Newby here...

[celandine]

There has only been one person I've spoken with honestly about how suicide intrigues me--that person is gone now. One month ago, on July 4th--which is Independence Day in the States--I went to check on my friend, whom nobody had heard from in a few days. After beating on his window and door, I eventually woke his roommate up and we broke into his room. He was in his bed with a bottle of mixed pills on the nightstand. His eyes were closed and there was blood running from his nose. There was a frothy mixture bubbling, too, that looked like foam. I shook him a few times, saying his name, but I knew in my heart that he was gone.

One time, not too long before he killed himself, we were riding down the street after getting tacos and talking about suicide. I told him that suicide pacts made the most sense to me--that you'd rally a few people you love the most so that nobody suffers being left behind. He was the only person I could talk to about suicide so openly--he never judged me or preached at me. He listened.

Part of me is angry he did it without me. Part of me is angry he did it at all. But mainly I just miss the hell out of him.

Ironically, he was a mental health counselor who worked to bring positivity to the life of others. He didn't show most people how much he suffered. On that same day I talked to him about suicide pacts, he divulged to me that he had a diagnosis of bipolar and had literally contemplated suicide every single day of his life. He had been prescribed a lot of medicine to swallow his pain and sang the particular praises of Spravato.

I don't have a question to ask here. I just needed to talk about this experience in a safe space--in a place where I could express my envy as well as my devastation. I wish I believed in heaven. I wish I believed I'd see my friend again.

Nobody ever found a note.

 

[Euthanza]

There has only been one person I've spoken with honestly about how suicide intrigues me--that person is gone now. One month ago, on July 4th--which is Independence Day in the States--I went to check on my friend, whom nobody had heard from in a few days. After beating on his window and door, I eventually woke his roommate up and we broke into his room. He was in his bed with a bottle of mixed pills on the nightstand. His eyes were closed and there was blood running from his nose. There was a frothy mixture bubbling, too, that looked like foam. I shook him a few times, saying his name, but I knew in my heart that he was gone.

One time, not too long before he killed himself, we were riding down the street after getting tacos and talking about suicide. I told him that suicide pacts made the most sense to me--that you'd rally a few people you love the most so that nobody suffers being left behind. He was the only person I could talk to about suicide so openly--he never judged me or preached at me. He listened.

Part of me is angry he did it without me. Part of me is angry he did it at all. But mainly I just miss the hell out of him.

Ironically, he was a mental health counselor who worked to bring positivity to the life of others. He didn't show most people how much he suffered. On that same day I talked to him about suicide pacts, he divulged to me that he had a diagnosis of bipolar and had literally contemplated suicide every single day of his life. He had been prescribed a lot of medicine to swallow his pain and sang the particular praises of Spravato.

I don't have a question to ask here. I just needed to talk about this experience in a safe space--in a place where I could express my envy as well as my devastation. I wish I believed in heaven. I wish I believed I'd see my friend again.

Nobody ever found a note.

I guess spravato didn't work? I heard it's an expensive drug

 

[FuneralCry]

It's such a cruel life that drives people to the point of ctb. I can imagine that it must be hard to deal with, losing someone, but at least all those who are gone are free from their suffering. I wish you the best.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm so sorry for your loss. It must have been a great shock to find him like that.

I have been suicidal since age 10 ( I'm 42 now). I actually had a half hearted suicide pact with the first friend I ever told. Half hearted in that the likelihood of either of us actually going through with it was pretty low but the feelings were sincere. She has since gone on to have a family and get her life together (luckily) but my ideation never really went away and it's terribly strong now.

I can empathise with the hurt you are feeling and the wish he had told you. Honestly though, the idea of pacts makes me kind of nervous- if one of you backs out or the attempt fails, you are possibly left with a dead or dying body and all the headache of getting the authorities involved. I think the idea of dying alongside another is beautiful but I think the practicalities could end up quite complicated.

I'm sure it is hurtful that he didn't tell you. However, from my standpoint- although some of my friends know I feel suicidal, I wouldn't want to tell them if I eventually plan to go ahead with it. I wouldn't want them to feel like they had tried and failed to stop me.

There's not much I can say but I hope your friend is at peace now. You mentioned you don't believe in heaven but at least his struggles in this life are over. I wish you all the best.