New member. Ctb or be destitute and homeless with a debilitating incurable illness?

[BlazingBob]

Thank you for letting me join. I'm 49 and haven't worked in 3 years because of my health. I have a neurological disease that makes it impossible to sleep. As soon as I start to relax my brain sends messages to my muscles to move. If I try to resist or ignore it, it feels like biting red ants crawling in and out of my bones. Getting up and moving around stops the torturous sensations but unfortunately you can't sleep while walking around. My record is 5 days with no sleep. It's very similar to how POW's are tortured with sleep deprivation. I have to take the second or third strongest painkiller in existence to quell the torment. A sizable percentage of people with this condition ctb because it's absolutely hell on earth. I think I also may have CFS/ME. Because of extreme sleep deprivation and medication side effects I can barely function. Just to do the simplest of things I need to pop an Adderall. My quality of life is non existent.
I've suffered from treatment resistant depression for decades. I've tried tons of medications, tons of therapy, TMS, ketamine infusions, psychedelics, and too many others to mention. My childhood was violent and cruel. I have a couple of broken bones that never healed correctly as souvenirs courtesy of my psychopath father. I've met ice cubes with more warmth than my mom. No love or encouragement. They hated each other and hate their kids. They divorced when I was 10. My dad is on his 3rd wife. The family is completely dissolved and I can't turn to any of them for help. I had to drop out of high school to work so I could eat. Total neglect and abandonment. I've never been married and don't have any kids.
Against all odds I managed to go as far as earning a bachelors and master's degree with 3.78 and 4.0 respective GPA's. I went into teaching and really enjoyed it and was passionate about it. I got to help a lot of people. Unfortunately I had to give it up three years ago because of my health.
Right now I'm living with a woman I used to date. Her house is huge and I take care of the place in lieu of paying rent. My health is getting worse and my days here are numbered. The bottom line is that I can't pull my own weight. Disability just wouldn't cut it financially.
I'm so tired. I'm suffering. I'm very isolated. I'm running out of money. I've become a total misanthropic curmudgeon and a recluse. I've traveled to many parts of the world and all over the US. I've had a very colorful love life. I was a limo driver and tour guide in Los Angeles for 7 years. I've done a lot of things. I want to call it a night and sign off before things deteriorate further. I was planning on partial suspension but apparently it's harder and not as fool proof as I thought. I'd really like to shed this diseased mortal coil before the holidays.
Sorry for the war and peace like thread. I'm really glad I found this site.

 

[supermario]

I'm really really sorry to hear about your story. In many ways I can relate, as my demons are the worst as well when I'm in bed. I've gone 7 days max without sleeping before.

If you lived close to me I'd offer you a place to stay while you figure things out, but I'm in Asia. Maybe I can help in some other small way financially. If you ever need that helping hand, just message me.

 

[Someone123]

I can think of options I would consider but one of the rules here is not to encourage acts, so one thing to consider is to just explore options on the site to see if anything is helpful to you. If you look under Forums- Suicide Discussion and scroll down a little to Suicide Resource Compilation there are a lot of threads with various topics that might have information that could help. I feel especially sorry that you said your days are numbered for living where you are living- I wonder if a GoFundMe page might help in getting enough financial help so that you could stay there. It's a long shot, though, because I think GoFundMe works better when people can see that enough funds will solve a problem rather than an ongoing situation. Maybe trying to raise funds for a year of covering your living expenses could help. GoFundMe helps a lot of people and some get a lot more than they ask for, while other very worthy causes somehow don't get the funding, kso you never know. Maybe someone you know personally could help you put together a GoFundMe page.

 

[Insomniac]

as a young adult, seeing people in their 40s on this forum scares me and comfort me in my decision to CTB asap

 

[supermario]

Gofundme is a great idea. If you ever do create one, I will contribute what I can.

 

[Koppite]

I'm really really sorry to hear about your story. In many ways I can relate, as my demons are the worst as well when I'm in bed. I've gone 7 days max without sleeping before.

If you lived close to me I'd offer you a place to stay while you figure things out, but I'm in Asia. Maybe I can help in some other small way financially. If you ever need that helping hand, just message me.

Good on you, lad. Putting the 'super' into supermario

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry you have been through all that. Life is just so horrible. I see it as a curse to be born. Our bodies are capable of torturing us, and the worst part is there is no limit as to how bad it can get. There should be the option of euthanasia, nobody should have to resort to methods that could fail. I wish you the best, I hope you find peace and freedom from suffering.

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

Thank you for letting me join. I'm 49 and haven't worked in 3 years because of my health. I have a neurological disease that makes it impossible to sleep. As soon as I start to relax my brain sends messages to my muscles to move. If I try to resist or ignore it, it feels like biting red ants crawling in and out of my bones. Getting up and moving around stops the torturous sensations but unfortunately you can't sleep while walking around. My record is 5 days with no sleep. It's very similar to how POW's are tortured with sleep deprivation. I have to take the second or third strongest painkiller in existence to quell the torment. A sizable percentage of people with this condition ctb because it's absolutely hell on earth. I think I also may have CFS/ME. Because of extreme sleep deprivation and medication side effects I can barely function. Just to do the simplest of things I need to pop an Adderall. My quality of life is non existent.
I've suffered from treatment resistant depression for decades. I've tried tons of medications, tons of therapy, TMS, ketamine infusions, psychedelics, and too many others to mention. My childhood was violent and cruel. I have a couple of broken bones that never healed correctly as souvenirs courtesy of my psychopath father. I've met ice cubes with more warmth than my mom. No love or encouragement. They hated each other and hate their kids. They divorced when I was 10. My dad is on his 3rd wife. The family is completely dissolved and I can't turn to any of them for help. I had to drop out of high school to work so I could eat. Total neglect and abandonment. I've never been married and don't have any kids.
Against all odds I managed to go as far as earning a bachelors and master's degree with 3.78 and 4.0 respective GPA's. I went into teaching and really enjoyed it and was passionate about it. I got to help a lot of people. Unfortunately I had to give it up three years ago because of my health.
Right now I'm living with a woman I used to date. Her house is huge and I take care of the place in lieu of paying rent. My health is getting worse and my days here are numbered. The bottom line is that I can't pull my own weight. Disability just wouldn't cut it financially.
I'm so tired. I'm suffering. I'm very isolated. I'm running out of money. I've become a total misanthropic curmudgeon and a recluse. I've traveled to many parts of the world and all over the US. I've had a very colorful love life. I was a limo driver and tour guide in Los Angeles for 7 years. I've done a lot of things. I want to call it a night and sign off before things deteriorate further. I was planning on partial suspension but apparently it's harder and not as fool proof as I thought. I'd really like to shed this diseased mortal coil before the holidays.
Sorry for the war and peace like thread. I'm really glad I found this site.

omg not being able to sleep must be absolute hell. Not sleeping enough is one of my many problems. It's hell but mine is not as bad as yours yet.

To maybe sleep I would try if possible to cut out or reduce as much as you can any meds, supplements caffiene , energy shots that you can and also try to do exercise as much as you can to maybe get tired to sleep. don't know if that will help

i guess extreme insomnia like cancer, stoke , homelessness, accident and other horrible nightmares can strike anyone at any time. But pro-lifers tell us to live no matter what . and i ask for what purpose? Why should i live ? To watch a dumb stupid youtube video to get some youtuber's views count up? yeah that's worth risking extreme torture not.

 

[LADY007]

I'm really really sorry to hear about your story. In many ways I can relate, as my demons are the worst as well when I'm in bed. I've gone 7 days max without sleeping before.

If you lived close to me I'd offer you a place to stay while you figure things out, but I'm in Asia. Maybe I can help in some other small way financially. If you ever need that helping hand, just message me.

You have the right name supermario.. You are super!!

 

[SuicidallyCurious]

Definitely CTB.

 

[Laowaiboss]

Being homeless is what scares me the most in life, and I come from a country that's quite high on the social scale but still you can end up homeless as shelters and emergency housing are usually full.

Absolute worst is being homeless in winter with freezing temperatures. If I were in that situation I'd rather do something like assault a cop that'll immediately lend me in prison for a few months (yeah they are not American cops here they won't shoot you) than being homeless in winter.

At least in prison I'll be housed in a warm place and fed warm meals, and prisons here aren't as bad as in many other countries, and you get priority access to things like social housing and 'social reintegration' jobs when you get out of prison.