AloneGunManTheory
Member
- Jul 21, 2026
- 6
hey all, i think its about time i fill you in on why i created an account on this site.
(TW for stuff like pedophilia, grooming, etc)
My SI has reached an all time high, ive thought about ways i would hurt myself/how the people around me would feel for YEARS, but over the past few months its gotten seriously bad. it's many compounding factors all at once, but one of the biggest reason why is: obsession.
i have been severely obsessed with a boy i met online for the past 4 or so years (for context, i am 18 and the boy is 17, turning 18 in a couple months). let's call him "K". he's completely plagued my mind over the years, i mean he is all i can think about. hes an artist and i have been seriously obsessed with his art. we share soo much in common. we're both homosexual, love the color green, love the same games, medias, love flowers, have identical sexual preferences, i could go on for hours. but K's had a boyfriend for the past couple of years and that had made me deeply envious. i felt like shit because i had been planning on telling K my true feelings for months, but i took too long and he had gotten with someone that i had actually introduced to him (lets call him J), which made me feel even worse. what made it all the more hurtful was that when i had initially met J, he was standoffish with me because of my age (i was about 15 and he was 18/19) and then decided to cut all ties with me after hooking up with K (who is younger than me, and J knew that). i feel it was because i wasnt an artist. i cant draw, ive never been good at it. but J and K are both artists in a similar field, so my mind kind of went with that. it didnt help at all that K had gotten involved in closed hangout circles with people who had been openly grooming both me and K. it wasnt hidden at all. there were 2 of them. both were in their 20's and had been nonstop talking to both me and K about NSFW topics. K even included them in NSFW artwork involving all of their OCs, which made me feel like total dogshit. how did i get traded out for literal pedophiles?.. this person i had known for years who had little to no connections, i got him to where he was now, and what do i get for it? spit on. i know its extremely petty of me to talk like this, and boviously i know that K doesnt have an obligation to me simply because i connected him with people, but it was my genuine headspace at the time. but, if i am being honest. i likely wouldnt change anything regarding me and K's relationship. he knows VERY WELL that i am obsessed with him and in love with him. hes told me before that he sees me as a good friend and i respect that. i would never do anything to force a relationship with K, nor would i wish for him to be in love with me. because i know deep down that he would not feel happy in that sort of relationship, and i all i want is for K to be safe and happy.
Now, why my SI has developed so rapidly is because, in september he is turning 18. and he's told me that once he turns 18 he plans on making a public NSFW art account. that killed me inside. because for me that meant that i would be painstakingly scrolling thru his account every day, checking his posts, comments, likes, followers, etc. because thats the level of obsession i was at. i didnt want to live like that, but i obviously cant tell him to NOT go through with making a public account. im just some dude on the internet and he is turning 19. i have absolutely no say in the matter. so, i thought of the next best thing, which was CTB. i had planned to wait until my birthday, get some birthday money, purchase a shotgun, and CTB. because the obsession has taken over so much of my life, i cannot stress it enough. i cant play certain games or listen to certain music anymore simply because K enjoys them. hobbies and interests i used to enjoy i now despise because they remind me of K. ive become a husk of my former self and no longer wished to live.
recently, i had a talk with my ex-lover, lets call them G (yes, i had fallen in love with another person while still being obsessed over K. pathetic i know.), theyre also an artist, and a VERY good one at that. we had a very indepth conversation regarding art. i helped them regain a new passion for it,so to speak, because they had been wanting to stop making art for awhile, and the conversation we had the other day made them develop a new insight, and revived their love for art(?). that conversation made me realize. all these years, i had never been able to help K. no matter what they were going through, i had never been able to properly assist them. they never wanted my help, nor did they see me as someone trustworth enough to vent their feelings to. but G was different. me and G also share alot of the same interests, but with G, i felt like i could genuinely relate to the, because they actually trusted me enough to share their deep internal struggles with me. i related heavily with them and i wanted to help them as much as possible. the other day i had just helped them recover their love for their favorite hobby, and it made me feel something i havent felt in years; it made me feel useful. so now whenver i think of K, i just think "meh...". i think my obsession is finally dying down thanks to G, and i feel like i can finally breathe again. let me just clarify, i still deeply care for K as a genuine friend, he's helped me thru a helluva lot. he still decided to stick with me through everything and he genuinely wants me to get better and i cant thank him enough for it. i don't want to jinx getting better, anything can happen. but i have also been planning on getting some ADHD medication so i can lock in and work on this storybook series ive been working on. if everything comes together, maybe i wont have to CTB. and maybe i can finally start living a life that is, yknow, actually worth living.
thank you all for hearing me out.
(TW for stuff like pedophilia, grooming, etc)
My SI has reached an all time high, ive thought about ways i would hurt myself/how the people around me would feel for YEARS, but over the past few months its gotten seriously bad. it's many compounding factors all at once, but one of the biggest reason why is: obsession.
i have been severely obsessed with a boy i met online for the past 4 or so years (for context, i am 18 and the boy is 17, turning 18 in a couple months). let's call him "K". he's completely plagued my mind over the years, i mean he is all i can think about. hes an artist and i have been seriously obsessed with his art. we share soo much in common. we're both homosexual, love the color green, love the same games, medias, love flowers, have identical sexual preferences, i could go on for hours. but K's had a boyfriend for the past couple of years and that had made me deeply envious. i felt like shit because i had been planning on telling K my true feelings for months, but i took too long and he had gotten with someone that i had actually introduced to him (lets call him J), which made me feel even worse. what made it all the more hurtful was that when i had initially met J, he was standoffish with me because of my age (i was about 15 and he was 18/19) and then decided to cut all ties with me after hooking up with K (who is younger than me, and J knew that). i feel it was because i wasnt an artist. i cant draw, ive never been good at it. but J and K are both artists in a similar field, so my mind kind of went with that. it didnt help at all that K had gotten involved in closed hangout circles with people who had been openly grooming both me and K. it wasnt hidden at all. there were 2 of them. both were in their 20's and had been nonstop talking to both me and K about NSFW topics. K even included them in NSFW artwork involving all of their OCs, which made me feel like total dogshit. how did i get traded out for literal pedophiles?.. this person i had known for years who had little to no connections, i got him to where he was now, and what do i get for it? spit on. i know its extremely petty of me to talk like this, and boviously i know that K doesnt have an obligation to me simply because i connected him with people, but it was my genuine headspace at the time. but, if i am being honest. i likely wouldnt change anything regarding me and K's relationship. he knows VERY WELL that i am obsessed with him and in love with him. hes told me before that he sees me as a good friend and i respect that. i would never do anything to force a relationship with K, nor would i wish for him to be in love with me. because i know deep down that he would not feel happy in that sort of relationship, and i all i want is for K to be safe and happy.
Now, why my SI has developed so rapidly is because, in september he is turning 18. and he's told me that once he turns 18 he plans on making a public NSFW art account. that killed me inside. because for me that meant that i would be painstakingly scrolling thru his account every day, checking his posts, comments, likes, followers, etc. because thats the level of obsession i was at. i didnt want to live like that, but i obviously cant tell him to NOT go through with making a public account. im just some dude on the internet and he is turning 19. i have absolutely no say in the matter. so, i thought of the next best thing, which was CTB. i had planned to wait until my birthday, get some birthday money, purchase a shotgun, and CTB. because the obsession has taken over so much of my life, i cannot stress it enough. i cant play certain games or listen to certain music anymore simply because K enjoys them. hobbies and interests i used to enjoy i now despise because they remind me of K. ive become a husk of my former self and no longer wished to live.
recently, i had a talk with my ex-lover, lets call them G (yes, i had fallen in love with another person while still being obsessed over K. pathetic i know.), theyre also an artist, and a VERY good one at that. we had a very indepth conversation regarding art. i helped them regain a new passion for it,so to speak, because they had been wanting to stop making art for awhile, and the conversation we had the other day made them develop a new insight, and revived their love for art(?). that conversation made me realize. all these years, i had never been able to help K. no matter what they were going through, i had never been able to properly assist them. they never wanted my help, nor did they see me as someone trustworth enough to vent their feelings to. but G was different. me and G also share alot of the same interests, but with G, i felt like i could genuinely relate to the, because they actually trusted me enough to share their deep internal struggles with me. i related heavily with them and i wanted to help them as much as possible. the other day i had just helped them recover their love for their favorite hobby, and it made me feel something i havent felt in years; it made me feel useful. so now whenver i think of K, i just think "meh...". i think my obsession is finally dying down thanks to G, and i feel like i can finally breathe again. let me just clarify, i still deeply care for K as a genuine friend, he's helped me thru a helluva lot. he still decided to stick with me through everything and he genuinely wants me to get better and i cant thank him enough for it. i don't want to jinx getting better, anything can happen. but i have also been planning on getting some ADHD medication so i can lock in and work on this storybook series ive been working on. if everything comes together, maybe i wont have to CTB. and maybe i can finally start living a life that is, yknow, actually worth living.
thank you all for hearing me out.
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