Division Day
It's life that scares me to death
- Oct 28, 2023
- 155
I've had struggles for so long, but maybe 10 years ago I had a proper nervous breakdown and haven't been okay since. My brain feels like it shatters into a million pieces and I get into a state where literally everything gives me intense anxiety. Then I spend months or years slowly getting things back together and it happens again. I've tried everything offered with therapy and meds and constantly trying to get better and I'm so so tired of this fight.
In the last few weeks I fell apart again for no reason I could tell and I have no quality of life. Music, video games, walking, whatever gives me intense anxiety and I'm terrified of food. I have no idea how to turn this around before I get back to the point where I can't eat at all. I'm already having to take diazepam to eat anything and feel dizzy and exhausted when I stand up and walk short distances.
So I decided that dying was the only way I could see. Even if I survive this breakdown somehow, I can't do this for another 50 years and no one has a clue how to help me get better. The only option I have access to is a rope and after hours of research on noose knot placement and how to tie the other end to a rafter securely I was ready to go. But I didn't have the guts to kick the chair away and stepped off instead. The lights were going out and then my foot found a hold and my stupid body had pulled my head out of the noose.
I still desperately want to die, but I don't know what to do. I guess I don't have the guts to hang and I can barely walk to the garden, let alone to a train station or a high place or a body of water. And now I'm scared that I'm too much of a coward to make that last step even if I get to a train platform with a through train approaching or whatever.
I just want out so so bad. I wish I had access to something that would give me a peaceful way, or someone to go with me so we could take the last step together and provide support.
In the last few weeks I fell apart again for no reason I could tell and I have no quality of life. Music, video games, walking, whatever gives me intense anxiety and I'm terrified of food. I have no idea how to turn this around before I get back to the point where I can't eat at all. I'm already having to take diazepam to eat anything and feel dizzy and exhausted when I stand up and walk short distances.
So I decided that dying was the only way I could see. Even if I survive this breakdown somehow, I can't do this for another 50 years and no one has a clue how to help me get better. The only option I have access to is a rope and after hours of research on noose knot placement and how to tie the other end to a rafter securely I was ready to go. But I didn't have the guts to kick the chair away and stepped off instead. The lights were going out and then my foot found a hold and my stupid body had pulled my head out of the noose.
I still desperately want to die, but I don't know what to do. I guess I don't have the guts to hang and I can barely walk to the garden, let alone to a train station or a high place or a body of water. And now I'm scared that I'm too much of a coward to make that last step even if I get to a train platform with a through train approaching or whatever.
I just want out so so bad. I wish I had access to something that would give me a peaceful way, or someone to go with me so we could take the last step together and provide support.
