I would label this as 'story' but I'm also venting.. 
TLDR:
Bunch of stuff happened last year due to my addiction spiraling out of control that made me grieve so much, stop enjoying life & feel horrified by my past every day. It's excruciatingly painful emotionally to exist from the moment I wake up. I see no end in sight for the emotional pain. Now I'm here.
& QUESTION : If you have any fave threads for "quick & painless" methods, please feel free to share - I will continue to read up & explore on here.
I still don't have a search option so I'm hoping I'll be able to navigate the site more efficiently once I have that.
__________________________
Hello, (F, 32) I learned recently that apparently you need to post a few times in order to gain a search function. That's basically why I'm posting.
And I figured maybe if I share a little bit about me, someone else might feel less alone or at the very least get some entertainment maybe? Almost like reading those 'FML' posts back in the day…?
Not really expecting anyone will read this cuz it's worthless ranting but for me it's kind of cathartic.
I'm here because I've been googling around and looking at research articles and already have chosen a method for CTB but figured I might as well search around here because there are so many risks.
I'm so fucking scared and one of the hardest things is that I hate the idea of my dad crying and grieving me & living without/missing me & my mom for the rest of his life.
He doesn't deserve it at all and has been such a great dad. My mom passed away a few years ago from alcoholism and I'm basically one of his only friends. He's not very social. All he does is work & is so hopeful & patient with me even though I even told him I'm planning on CTB for the past few months. He cried a bit a few times but overall is typing to keep it together & be positive, which is so sad to see because I'm sure nothing will help.
Every time I try to think about trying to live instead of planning my death, it just feels so much worse.
The story:
Basically, last year I ruined my life with drugs (K) and alcohol addiction. I got broken up with by the love of my life, lost a dream job, and got a reputation for being an addict. Word got around and people were either concerned or distancing themselves, etc. I embarrassed myself by sending people weird and totally inappropriate messages and even videos. I did sexual acts for 2 dealers to get drugs. Word got around about this as well. Before drugs took over, I was the type of woman that only was intimate with someone if I loved them. The high me went on a rampage.
I feel like I can't live with my past - it absolutely disgusts me.
Now I feel like I can't enjoy any of the things I used to. Like I've been jaded & list the innocent joy I had when I had things I looked forward to. Before, I had a great social life, enjoyed going out, dancing & dressing up, was motivated to work out, had a job that brought me purpose, was a leader in my community (worked in waste reduction/sustainability), was described by people as 'inspiring', etc.
But now I feel like I can't even enjoy doing the usual fun things because I feel haunted by my past & I feel like I can't relate to anyone. I want to just cry no matter what I'm doing because I feel wrecked.
It's like I just woke up from a real nightmare and it's always on my mind, but I'm living with the real aftermath of it - bad memories, missing my ex, my job, my previous life… and knowing I can't get it back.
Also I can't drink or do drugs anymore - either it doesn't feel good or feels weird or I do too much - whereas even beginning of last year, I was able to control it & have the best time ever.
My ex (who I miss extremely) is very tapped in to the entertainment industry & city scene & everything reminds me of him & the amazing times we shared. He's also at the best parties & more close with the organizers & key crew there & even if I wanted to go out - I'd feel left out & would probably be trying to lurk him to see what he's doing & if he's with another girl - weird stalker vibes.
He was also such a great partner - he dumped me 9 months ago & I still cry almost every day missing him.
The past few days, I had dreams that we got back together & when I woke up & realized it was a dream, I cried. First thing upon waking. Fucking sucks.
I also am broke, and am helping my dad care for his mom with dementia. She pisses & shits on the floor cuz she doesn't know where the toilet is sometimes & is confused, & I constantly need to clean it.
I can't help but compare my life to the people I used to hang out with who seem to (at least on social media) have their shit together, have their own place, have hobbies, workout, enjoy parties, socializing, etc.
I can't even pretend to have anything going on on social media.
I know compared to others on here who have had it 'worse' like lived with suicidal ideation for years or lived with disability or through some kind of terrible trauma - me complaining that I can't enjoy parties etc - probably sounds pretty privileged. Maybe most people on here reading this would think I should just STFU & get over it.
But that's what I looked forward to outside of work, chores, etc. And even for work - I lost my fave job and I was working with a best friend who is now not talking to me because my addiction affected my job & his livelihood.
And my love of my life left me - who is now partying it up & having so much fun while I'm feeling absolutely miserable.
I saw a friend's IG stories of him dancing on a podium with a sexy girl and having the best time. I wished it was with me & it double felt like shit because I'm in no place to go & dress sexy or feel good. I haven't worked out in months, have had no energy for that & gained weight. I'm getting back pain because basically I'm just stagnant all the time. I feel like I've fallen so low.
All of this year, my mind has been telling me to kill myself and it just keeps getting worse.
I know that death is painful and horrifying and that even the 'quick & painless' methods can go horribly wrong - and make me mentally/physically disabled &/or end up in a psych ward, but I can't keep living so it's now this painful process of trying to figure out how, when, & where to do it.
I've written out most of my 'Why I Ended It' letter for people, because apparently something that hurts people when they find out a loved one committed suicide, is not understanding why.
So I wrote out a general letter for close friends/family to be able to read, and will be working on letters to those closest to me.
I also have so much stuff and I want to get rid of it so that my dad and brother don't need to be the ones cleaning it.
But it's sooo hard.
Getting rid of my clothes, the things I like, etc.
Selling it would take forever.
& part of me is like 'once I give this away, that's it'. It's like my stuff is part of what's in the way of finally CTB. My room is also a fucking mess & whenever I go in there, I feel like my head is spinning in circles.
This is so depressing to write.
I can't believe even a year ago I was still enjoying life & thought I had a future.
I can't believe I want to die.
I think of my younger self - little did she fucking know. It's so heartbreaking.
I wish I wanted to live. But I want to die so badly.
I wish I had a friend who was in my same position & we could help each other pack up our things, clean our place, and OD or something together. I can understand the appeal of suicide pacts because this shit makes you feel alone as ever.
I could go on and on but I'll leave it here.
Not sure if anyone will read cuz there's a lot of posts like this & they're all a different flavour of doom & woe is me, but that's my story.
Also for the record, I am planning on hot boxing CO in a little tent with a charcoal grill in the park by my dad's house (I live with him).
I don't want my dad to find me.
& I was going to send a scheduled email (so he can't call the police at that exact time) to a friend who would then contact police with my location, who would then contact my dad.
I also hate the idea of my body getting cut up with an autopsy to determine cause of death. Ugh. Or waking up in the hospital with brain damage because I did not CO-asphyxia myself well enough.
Will continue to search on here in case I can do a 'complex' method using multiple avenues to make sure I really CTB.
Thanks for reading.
TLDR:
Bunch of stuff happened last year due to my addiction spiraling out of control that made me grieve so much, stop enjoying life & feel horrified by my past every day. It's excruciatingly painful emotionally to exist from the moment I wake up. I see no end in sight for the emotional pain. Now I'm here.
& QUESTION : If you have any fave threads for "quick & painless" methods, please feel free to share - I will continue to read up & explore on here.
I still don't have a search option so I'm hoping I'll be able to navigate the site more efficiently once I have that.
__________________________
Hello, (F, 32) I learned recently that apparently you need to post a few times in order to gain a search function. That's basically why I'm posting.
And I figured maybe if I share a little bit about me, someone else might feel less alone or at the very least get some entertainment maybe? Almost like reading those 'FML' posts back in the day…?
Not really expecting anyone will read this cuz it's worthless ranting but for me it's kind of cathartic.
I'm here because I've been googling around and looking at research articles and already have chosen a method for CTB but figured I might as well search around here because there are so many risks.
I'm so fucking scared and one of the hardest things is that I hate the idea of my dad crying and grieving me & living without/missing me & my mom for the rest of his life.
He doesn't deserve it at all and has been such a great dad. My mom passed away a few years ago from alcoholism and I'm basically one of his only friends. He's not very social. All he does is work & is so hopeful & patient with me even though I even told him I'm planning on CTB for the past few months. He cried a bit a few times but overall is typing to keep it together & be positive, which is so sad to see because I'm sure nothing will help.
Every time I try to think about trying to live instead of planning my death, it just feels so much worse.
The story:
Basically, last year I ruined my life with drugs (K) and alcohol addiction. I got broken up with by the love of my life, lost a dream job, and got a reputation for being an addict. Word got around and people were either concerned or distancing themselves, etc. I embarrassed myself by sending people weird and totally inappropriate messages and even videos. I did sexual acts for 2 dealers to get drugs. Word got around about this as well. Before drugs took over, I was the type of woman that only was intimate with someone if I loved them. The high me went on a rampage.
I feel like I can't live with my past - it absolutely disgusts me.
Now I feel like I can't enjoy any of the things I used to. Like I've been jaded & list the innocent joy I had when I had things I looked forward to. Before, I had a great social life, enjoyed going out, dancing & dressing up, was motivated to work out, had a job that brought me purpose, was a leader in my community (worked in waste reduction/sustainability), was described by people as 'inspiring', etc.
But now I feel like I can't even enjoy doing the usual fun things because I feel haunted by my past & I feel like I can't relate to anyone. I want to just cry no matter what I'm doing because I feel wrecked.
It's like I just woke up from a real nightmare and it's always on my mind, but I'm living with the real aftermath of it - bad memories, missing my ex, my job, my previous life… and knowing I can't get it back.
Also I can't drink or do drugs anymore - either it doesn't feel good or feels weird or I do too much - whereas even beginning of last year, I was able to control it & have the best time ever.
My ex (who I miss extremely) is very tapped in to the entertainment industry & city scene & everything reminds me of him & the amazing times we shared. He's also at the best parties & more close with the organizers & key crew there & even if I wanted to go out - I'd feel left out & would probably be trying to lurk him to see what he's doing & if he's with another girl - weird stalker vibes.
He was also such a great partner - he dumped me 9 months ago & I still cry almost every day missing him.
The past few days, I had dreams that we got back together & when I woke up & realized it was a dream, I cried. First thing upon waking. Fucking sucks.
I also am broke, and am helping my dad care for his mom with dementia. She pisses & shits on the floor cuz she doesn't know where the toilet is sometimes & is confused, & I constantly need to clean it.
I can't help but compare my life to the people I used to hang out with who seem to (at least on social media) have their shit together, have their own place, have hobbies, workout, enjoy parties, socializing, etc.
I can't even pretend to have anything going on on social media.
I know compared to others on here who have had it 'worse' like lived with suicidal ideation for years or lived with disability or through some kind of terrible trauma - me complaining that I can't enjoy parties etc - probably sounds pretty privileged. Maybe most people on here reading this would think I should just STFU & get over it.
But that's what I looked forward to outside of work, chores, etc. And even for work - I lost my fave job and I was working with a best friend who is now not talking to me because my addiction affected my job & his livelihood.
And my love of my life left me - who is now partying it up & having so much fun while I'm feeling absolutely miserable.
I saw a friend's IG stories of him dancing on a podium with a sexy girl and having the best time. I wished it was with me & it double felt like shit because I'm in no place to go & dress sexy or feel good. I haven't worked out in months, have had no energy for that & gained weight. I'm getting back pain because basically I'm just stagnant all the time. I feel like I've fallen so low.
All of this year, my mind has been telling me to kill myself and it just keeps getting worse.
I know that death is painful and horrifying and that even the 'quick & painless' methods can go horribly wrong - and make me mentally/physically disabled &/or end up in a psych ward, but I can't keep living so it's now this painful process of trying to figure out how, when, & where to do it.
I've written out most of my 'Why I Ended It' letter for people, because apparently something that hurts people when they find out a loved one committed suicide, is not understanding why.
So I wrote out a general letter for close friends/family to be able to read, and will be working on letters to those closest to me.
I also have so much stuff and I want to get rid of it so that my dad and brother don't need to be the ones cleaning it.
But it's sooo hard.
Getting rid of my clothes, the things I like, etc.
Selling it would take forever.
& part of me is like 'once I give this away, that's it'. It's like my stuff is part of what's in the way of finally CTB. My room is also a fucking mess & whenever I go in there, I feel like my head is spinning in circles.
This is so depressing to write.
I can't believe even a year ago I was still enjoying life & thought I had a future.
I can't believe I want to die.
I think of my younger self - little did she fucking know. It's so heartbreaking.
I wish I wanted to live. But I want to die so badly.
I wish I had a friend who was in my same position & we could help each other pack up our things, clean our place, and OD or something together. I can understand the appeal of suicide pacts because this shit makes you feel alone as ever.
I could go on and on but I'll leave it here.
Not sure if anyone will read cuz there's a lot of posts like this & they're all a different flavour of doom & woe is me, but that's my story.
Also for the record, I am planning on hot boxing CO in a little tent with a charcoal grill in the park by my dad's house (I live with him).
I don't want my dad to find me.
& I was going to send a scheduled email (so he can't call the police at that exact time) to a friend who would then contact police with my location, who would then contact my dad.
I also hate the idea of my body getting cut up with an autopsy to determine cause of death. Ugh. Or waking up in the hospital with brain damage because I did not CO-asphyxia myself well enough.
Will continue to search on here in case I can do a 'complex' method using multiple avenues to make sure I really CTB.
Thanks for reading.
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