Venting never knew what peace and quiet feels like

[Sadocan]

in my life i genuinely DO NOT REMEMBER a single moment where i felt peace/ safety/ quietness. something bad always needed to be happening. no one protected me, even thought there were plenty to do so. i envy people who have functional families. i envy people who were born out of love. sometimes it bothers me seeing when they are incompetent at something i'm not. i feel like it should be the other way around, considering i've been dealt a far worse hand.so, i have become a very cynical person, and everytime i'm out in the streets i keep imagining a scenerio where i get mugged and killed.

every time i try to improve myself, like going to the gym, it does nothing to fix these bad things that are always there. i also don't feel that's it's right that i should be self-improving just to be able to achieve the simplest of things while others just have to be themselves. i never asked for any of this, and i want out.

 

[HangMan123]

Why should it be the other way around? It's beyond fair—and amazing—that you're more competent than them in those areas, as you've had life way harder.
It sounds like you may be experiencing an inferiority complex, which is absolutely ridiculous. You should be so proud of yourself for being able to survive, and continue to survive, such a horrible upbringing. In my opinion, you deserve far more than the average person! The reason that improving yourself in other areas doesn't make your negative thoughts go away is because you need to improve your internal view of yourself (which is NOT true) first. That's like painting a leaking boat and wondering why it's still sinking, or maybe not, because I'm terrible at making similes .
You seem like such a strong person, and it's sad to see you in so much pain. I hope you can see the positive side of yourself like I do!

 

[Hermitcrab]

i also don't feel that's it's right that i should be self-improving just to be able to achieve the simplest of things while others just have to be themselves.

Can relate.
It definitely feels unfair having to put in so much work just to end up on the same baseline as healthy, non-depressed people. All this effort just so I can pretend to be a normal human. It's kinda like running in a race. Except you have to sprint all the way to the starting line where everyone else is already waiting and ready. And now that the actual race begins you're too exhausted to keep going. I hope that analogy still makes sense outside of my head lol