awaitinglove
what a terrible mess i've made of my life
- Apr 30, 2023
- 77
i've always wondered why i've felt depressed and like an outcast for most of my life. i always blamed my depression on me being an overly emotional girl but that's not the reason why. the reason i feel so depressed is because i've never felt like enough. my family constantly talk shit about the not so good things i do and they NEVER talk about the good things i'm doing. shit, i'm first generation. i'm the only one in my immediate family that completed high school. the only one in my whole family who has pursued higher education. this doesn't seem to be enough for my family though. i jokingly talked about throwing a party for my college graduation and immediately got my feelings hurt. i got tole that getting my bachelors doesn't mean anything to them. they said they'll only congratulate me when i get a phd lol. i know a bachelors isn't a lot but i felt like this was a big deal for all of us. it felt like a major win for my family and myself. i just don't get how i'm supposed to be setting an example for my younger family members but what i'm doing right now isn't fucking enough? anyways, i'm ranting about this because i just came to the realization i'm so harsh on myself is because i've felt like a disappointment most of my life. also, i decided to sh today and my mind went straight to ctb after breaking down because of this realization. it's crazy because my SI has reduced over the past few months. i went from thinking about ctb every second of the day to a few times a week. i never thought i would sh again, but i did. surprisingly, i'm not too disappointed in myself. i just feel too drained to be disappointed. i want nothing more than to sleep and not wake up. sorry if this post is all over the place i just really had to rant.
