Venting Need to vent. Try to sum everything relevant up.

[whorl]

My wish to kms and ctb has its roots in never having had a safe, stable, available, nurturing home.

I've grown up completely detached, abandoned, no higher self just braindead traumatized adults. No respect, no consciousness, awareness or boundaries anywhere to be found, just pure reactiveness all around.

I ever felt only overwhelmed in pure chaos.
Never ending relocations, attempts to reach out but being rejected. Acting out because of being speechless, but then being punished because of being misunderstood.
No help, no safety, no hope in sight.

I was never told about being actually a »self«.
Was never informed about having actually »own« needs, never told how to protect/fill them (ask for help in form of emotional presence/love/support).
In myself, it was just pure survival, ever.

The single only skill that I was shown/taught was harming the person that is me, giving myself completely up, self-destruct.

Sexual abuse made attachment even more relevant to me, because of the now new known triggers and dopamine levels.

Relocations and having to start over and over just perpetuated one failed relationship after the other, losing a sense of home and orientation completely.

I can't function like this. I can't value any love, because my emotional receptors are bruised. My object constancy memory muscle is damaged.

 

[jj#blm]

I'm so sorry to hear that. I hope you can find a way to recover and give life another chance. And if not I wish you a peaceful ctb however you decide to do it.

 

[Fabi_2312]

Im sorry you need to go through that. I would recommend going into a psych ward, its really not that bad.
Still I hope you find peace in your decision, either through ctb or recovery.

 

[FuneralCry]

That must be so awful what you've endured, it's certainly such a cruel world we exist in where people suffer all through no fault of their own.