Need to be loved

[twistedtransistor47]

Over the years I've isolated myself more and more to the point where I have no real friends. Atp, the only people I talk to are my parents and my one online friend who I'd consider my best friend.

We've always been close and have only gotten closer in the 6 years we've known each other. We've also been jokingly flirtatious which has increased significantly the past couple years to the point where it's not a joke anymore. Pet names, spending time with each other every day, confession of some kind of feelings, talking about wanting to be intimate with each other, exchanging photos/videos and even talking about what it'd be like to live with each other.

There's always been a part of me that has held my feelings back. I felt seriously guilty that I was getting so close to him knowing full well I have plans to ctb plus other self esteem issues. But this person eased my pain, brought me so much joy, gave me something to look forward to, he became a routine in my life and someone I sort of ended up centering myself around.

The past couple months though I felt he's pulled back significantly and I'm not fully sure why. Maybe I wasn't doing enough, causing him to no longer see a future for us. Maybe feelings just wane sometimes and that's life. I'm just not sure how to deal with losing the last thing that motivated me to wake up in the mornings. I've cried every day for the past 2 weeks, I get nauseous thinking about eating, I can't fall asleep and I can't get out of bed and I'm exhausted and sad all day. I've experienced depression for about a decade now, twice in my life I've been depressed to the point of attempting ctb, but I wasn't prepared for this. I briefly experienced a bit of peace and now I have to relearn constant pain. I just want to be loved again and I don't know how to handle its absence. I don't even have anyone I can talk to about this because he was my only friend, thats why I'm posting here.

But there is a part of me that knows its better this way, it'll be easier on both of us when I leave (hopefully this year).

 

[Somewhat Suicidal]

The past couple months though I felt he's pulled back significantly and I'm not fully sure why.

Did you consider asking?
Sounds like you're missing out on a beautiful thing potentially, especially if it seems to really lift your spirits to a point of not wanting to CTB anymore.

On the other hand it's of course not quite healthy to completely hang everything on that one person, an issue I'm all to aware of myself from painful experience.
Apart from your online friendship, the rest of your situation is overall quite relatable to me.

 

[twistedtransistor47]

Did you consider asking?
Sounds like you're missing out on a beautiful thing potentially, especially if it seems to really lift your spirits to a point of not wanting to CTB anymore.

On the other hand it's of course not quite healthy to completely hang everything on that one person, an issue I'm all to aware of myself from painful experience.
Apart from your online friendship, the rest of your situation is overall quite relatable to me.

I did, we had a long conversation where he said he's going through a depressive episode which I completely understand, we both deal with mental health struggles. For a moment I thought it'd be ok, he's just depressed and that's the reason for everything, but he wouldn't give a straight answer when I asked if he was more than just sexually attracted to me. The next day told me he doesn't feel obligated exclusively to me and that if I was too emotionally invested he could pull back. I do believe he does care for me, just not how he used to.

Honestly it would never have stopped me from ctb anyway, cbt is something I want deeply that I've been planning for a long time. I just liked that I could take my mind off the pain for a while when we talked.

It feels a little silly being so distraught over a guy, especially when we never put a label on anything, but this person means a lot to me. Anyway I appreciate your reply, just being able to get my feelings out there helps so much.

 

[return2cloud]

i feel you and my heart is with you

 

[twistedtransistor47]

i feel you and my heart is with you

Thank you so much, I appreciate that

 

[Somewhat Suicidal]

I did, we had a long conversation where he said he's going through a depressive episode which I completely understand, we both deal with mental health struggles. For a moment I thought it'd be ok, he's just depressed and that's the reason for everything, but he wouldn't give a straight answer when I asked if he was more than just sexually attracted to me. The next day told me he doesn't feel obligated exclusively to me and that if I was too emotionally invested he could pull back. I do believe he does care for me, just not how he used to.

Hm, sounds complicated and maybe hes simply telling the truth after all or the feelings aren't as strong anymore as they used to, alternatively he simply is and always was just sexually attracted to each you, nothing more. I know from personal experience as a man love becomes kind of a complicated thing when depressed at least and it's definitely hard to separate from just being horny / sexually attracted to a woman...
Other possibilities I could think of include but aren't limited to him being insecure about his whole thing due to it being purely online (being catfished is a thing, but you said you video chatted already, so I find that unlikely).
The following is pure speculation ofc, but it could also be there is someone else he's interested on his end or alternatively he wants to keep his options open (lucky guy if he is any, as a depressed man, assuming you are a woman and we talking about a heterosexual relationship here, if this is a gay thing, that becomes incredibly more likely statistically speaking).

Honestly it would never have stopped me from ctb anyway, cbt is something I want deeply that I've been planning for a long time. I just liked that I could take my mind off the pain for a while when we talked.

Guess I misinterpreted that part then... so in that case neither of you is fully in it. Did you disclose that him ever and/or is he suicidal as well?

It feels a little silly being so distraught over a guy, especially when we never put a label on anything, but this person means a lot to me.

It's natural to feel distraught if your feelings aren't reciprocated or you don't know whether they are or aren't no matter the label. Sometimes labels are good for this reason, they do give clarity to an otherwise uncertain situation. But of course that is something you guys need to discuss among yourselves and he doesn't seem eager or ready for that (anymore?)

Good luck in any case, it sounded more positive in your first post, sadly now I'm not quite as hopeful anymore this will work out without someone getting hurt, but I nonetheless keep my