Hello, so I'm currently in a abusive relationship with my parents and been contemplating suicide for the longest time. However, I couldn't find a way to make partial hanging work (check my other posts) and been clinging more towards cutting my throat, but that too wouldn't work because I have no sharp knife that can pull off a carotid cut well enough. Anyways, today I learnt that my dad have a heart problem and him and mom will be going to a pilgrimage to Mecca sometime this year. Before this, I had no worries about killing myself whatsoever, but right now I'm weighting in on whether to go through with it because with my dad's illness and parent's dumbass financial decision to sell their belonging and doing the stupid islamic act of worshipping arab supremacy, might put my two little sisters in jeopardy. If I go through with the suicide, I fear that there won't be anyone to take good care of my sisters because of my ultra religious abusive parents and how much of a shithole my country is. I fear that the indoctrination would get even worse and my parents will become even more abusive without me being a target for them and my sisters having no one to tell them that what my parents preach isn't exactly right.
I fear that one of my little sister won't be able to discover more of her talent in arts even further because of Islamic teachings, which is basically to opress women in everyway shape and form. And my other little sister's outgoing attitude in learning knowledge. If you've read until this far, I think you can tell that I'm pretty much the dissapointment of the family due to what my little sisters and my little brother (who went oversea this year) had achieve at such a young age. All I'm pretty much good for is being the black sheep for my parents and taken care of every chore in the house, and it might sound stupid, but I can't deal with all this treatment anymore even with all the fears I listed above. I don't think I can survive long enough in this world to even help my little sisters along the way and frankly, I just want to rest forever instead of upholding that responsibility alone. I didn't ask to be the first born and I didn't ask to be given such a heavy task. I know what I'm saying here is very cowardly, but I'm tired of just smiling away and keeping my true thought just tuck in deep inside. This is what I truly believe in and I just want to leave this world this instance.
so.... i know my writitngs are all over the place and I apologize, but, what should I consider here? am I being too selfish? am I in the wrong? should I just hold and cling on until my little sisters are indipendent and can manage to find their own place in the world, and then take my own life?
I fear that one of my little sister won't be able to discover more of her talent in arts even further because of Islamic teachings, which is basically to opress women in everyway shape and form. And my other little sister's outgoing attitude in learning knowledge. If you've read until this far, I think you can tell that I'm pretty much the dissapointment of the family due to what my little sisters and my little brother (who went oversea this year) had achieve at such a young age. All I'm pretty much good for is being the black sheep for my parents and taken care of every chore in the house, and it might sound stupid, but I can't deal with all this treatment anymore even with all the fears I listed above. I don't think I can survive long enough in this world to even help my little sisters along the way and frankly, I just want to rest forever instead of upholding that responsibility alone. I didn't ask to be the first born and I didn't ask to be given such a heavy task. I know what I'm saying here is very cowardly, but I'm tired of just smiling away and keeping my true thought just tuck in deep inside. This is what I truly believe in and I just want to leave this world this instance.
so.... i know my writitngs are all over the place and I apologize, but, what should I consider here? am I being too selfish? am I in the wrong? should I just hold and cling on until my little sisters are indipendent and can manage to find their own place in the world, and then take my own life?
