Discussion Need guidance, very unlucky it seems.

[Omniscient Chasm]

I have tried almost every method of CTB but nothing has worked.
Hell, at one point I got so desperate and attempted suicide by cop. Not even attempted, I went through with it and got shot multiple times.
BUT--like fucking always my body and modern medicine work against me.

No idea why I'm making the foolish decision to mention the above. It is very difficult to speak about due to how public it all was. But at the same time. I have yet to see anyone who has been through that incredibly specific experience, and maybe share some POV as someone who went through with it. (Prefacing this with the fact I DO NOT condone this act. Also fuck journos for sensationalizing that whole incident and harassing my family the same day it happened.)

I am diagnosed Autistic/ADHD and CPTSD. I'm know I must have a multitude of other things wrong. I've never trusted a therapist enough to ever fully come clean about my full life events as even talking partially gets a report/hospitalization of some sort going, instead of you know.. actually caring to process it. Not that I would ever waste my time with that nonsense as I have been through every little treatment you can imagine. (When I was younger I put actual effort into the treatments.)

I'm in my late 20s and definitely don't want to be around for 30 to see my life degrade and become more pathetic due to the above mentioned illnesses making my life hell. Because my 'life' isn't a life. All I do is work and sleep due to being unable to have energy for ANYTHING else. Even on days off I spend it all in bed because I feel unwell/cannot sleep most of the time. I'm genuinely useless as my weak brain just seemingly cannot handle anything more than just work. I deal with GI issues due to the above mentioned attempt and other weird health issues that I don't have nor the time or patience to explore. I'm very scarred on my body due to my attempt. Thankfully I can hide it for the most part, but even then. I get reminded of my greatest failure to be out of all this. Very condensed. But again, tired of this shit.

My ideation has intensified these past months. Despite my SI being virtually nonexistent. I still struggle to settle on a new method because if I fail. It's over. I'll get thrown in a loony bin for the rest of my conceivable days. (And I do desire to at least have SOMETHING presentable. But it's not truly a priority because I just want to be done with it.)

So far I'm contemplating
- Driving off a beach cliffside at full speed (150ft drop with aggressive currents)
- Getting blackout drunk and zip tying my neck once I'm semi drowsy. (In a private hotel room obviously, may play music/movies to hide any sounds of thrashing/vomit)
- SN (Although I'm genuinely clueless and have trouble figuring out how to obtain it without getting scammed + the actual threads confuse me as I see a lot of conflicting info)
- OD (Specifically on a mix of Gabapentin and lorezapam as a previous attempt with Gabapentin alone essentially succeeded with me falling comatose. The only reason I survived was because I was a foolish kid and was found early. Although again..unsure of how I would go about obtaining these as I'm generally clueless as to how without a prescription/the hassle of going to a doc)

Hanging is another that appeals to me but I always seem to have trouble figuring out placements for knot despite feeling my carotid. I'm not even on the larger side and can feel it quite easily. Not sure what I'm doing wrong there, but if I could get linked more extensive/cohesive resources pertaining to this method PLEASE do link them in replies because if I manage to figure this one out this will be the way I go.

Apologies if this post is nonsensical. My ADHD is severe. It is getting worse as I age and it's getting harder and harder to piece my thoughts in a cohesive manner.
Basically: Giving rare POV (So feel free to ask about the attempt if you so wish), seeking advice/extensive discussion on CTB methods as I'm too disorganized to pick anything cohesive or effective.

 

[fadedghost]

I have tried almost every method of CTB but nothing has worked.
Hell, at one point I got so desperate and attempted suicide by cop. Not even attempted, I went through with it and got shot multiple times.
BUT--like fucking always my body and modern medicine work against me.

No idea why I'm making the foolish decision to mention the above. It is very difficult to speak about due to how public it all was. But at the same time. I have yet to see anyone who has been through that incredibly specific experience, and maybe share some POV as someone who went through with it. (Prefacing this with the fact I DO NOT condone this act. Also fuck journos for sensationalizing that whole incident and harassing my family the same day it happened.)

I am diagnosed Autistic/ADHD and CPTSD. I'm know I must have a multitude of other things wrong. I've never trusted a therapist enough to ever fully come clean about my full life events as even talking partially gets a report/hospitalization of some sort going, instead of you know.. actually caring to process it. Not that I would ever waste my time with that nonsense as I have been through every little treatment you can imagine. (When I was younger I put actual effort into the treatments.)

I'm in my late 20s and definitely don't want to be around for 30 to see my life degrade and become more pathetic due to the above mentioned illnesses making my life hell. Because my 'life' isn't a life. All I do is work and sleep due to being unable to have energy for ANYTHING else. Even on days off I spend it all in bed because I feel unwell/cannot sleep most of the time. I'm genuinely useless as my weak brain just seemingly cannot handle anything more than just work. I deal with GI issues due to the above mentioned attempt and other weird health issues that I don't have nor the time or patience to explore. I'm very scarred on my body due to my attempt. Thankfully I can hide it for the most part, but even then. I get reminded of my greatest failure to be out of all this. Very condensed. But again, tired of this shit.

My ideation has intensified these past months. Despite my SI being virtually nonexistent. I still struggle to settle on a new method because if I fail. It's over. I'll get thrown in a loony bin for the rest of my conceivable days. (And I do desire to at least have SOMETHING presentable. But it's not truly a priority because I just want to be done with it.)

So far I'm contemplating
- Driving off a beach cliffside at full speed (150ft drop with aggressive currents)
- Getting blackout drunk and zip tying my neck once I'm semi drowsy. (In a private hotel room obviously, may play music/movies to hide any sounds of thrashing/vomit)
- SN (Although I'm genuinely clueless and have trouble figuring out how to obtain it without getting scammed + the actual threads confuse me as I see a lot of conflicting info)
- OD (Specifically on a mix of Gabapentin and lorezapam as a previous attempt with Gabapentin alone essentially succeeded with me falling comatose. The only reason I survived was because I was a foolish kid and was found early. Although again..unsure of how I would go about obtaining these as I'm generally clueless as to how without a prescription/the hassle of going to a doc)

Hanging is another that appeals to me but I always seem to have trouble figuring out placements for knot despite feeling my carotid. I'm not even on the larger side and can feel it quite easily. Not sure what I'm doing wrong there, but if I could get linked more extensive/cohesive resources pertaining to this method PLEASE do link them in replies because if I manage to figure this one out this will be the way I go.

Apologies if this post is nonsensical. My ADHD is severe. It is getting worse as I age and it's getting harder and harder to piece my thoughts in a cohesive manner.
Basically: Giving rare POV (So feel free to ask about the attempt if you so wish), seeking advice/extensive discussion on CTB methods as I'm too disorganized to pick anything cohesive or effective.

I relate to this so much. I am not necessarily so disabled that I can't work at all, but I am so tired and have so many issues that I am exhausted by working and just end up either working or doing nothing, and even that is difficult. But having worked, it would be hard for me to claim disability, and if I did so, it would force me to interact with more mental health professionals, which ups my risk of hospitalization, and I'm terrified of hospitalization and mental health professionals.

My fear of mental health professionals and mental health care if the primary reason I keep working and am not trying to be on disability, but it's an awful existence. It's really unfortunate that there isn't a "partly disabled" category or that someone like me couldn't be on disability while also avoiding psychiatry.

Just realize how lucky you were to not end up in a situation where you couldn't choose to end things if you want. It could be so much worse. That may be of no consolation.

 

[ineedssris]

I have tried almost every method of CTB but nothing has worked.
Hell, at one point I got so desperate and attempted suicide by cop. Not even attempted, I went through with it and got shot multiple times.
BUT--like fucking always my body and modern medicine work against me.

No idea why I'm making the foolish decision to mention the above. It is very difficult to speak about due to how public it all was. But at the same time. I have yet to see anyone who has been through that incredibly specific experience, and maybe share some POV as someone who went through with it. (Prefacing this with the fact I DO NOT condone this act. Also fuck journos for sensationalizing that whole incident and harassing my family the same day it happened.)

I am diagnosed Autistic/ADHD and CPTSD. I'm know I must have a multitude of other things wrong. I've never trusted a therapist enough to ever fully come clean about my full life events as even talking partially gets a report/hospitalization of some sort going, instead of you know.. actually caring to process it. Not that I would ever waste my time with that nonsense as I have been through every little treatment you can imagine. (When I was younger I put actual effort into the treatments.)

I'm in my late 20s and definitely don't want to be around for 30 to see my life degrade and become more pathetic due to the above mentioned illnesses making my life hell. Because my 'life' isn't a life. All I do is work and sleep due to being unable to have energy for ANYTHING else. Even on days off I spend it all in bed because I feel unwell/cannot sleep most of the time. I'm genuinely useless as my weak brain just seemingly cannot handle anything more than just work. I deal with GI issues due to the above mentioned attempt and other weird health issues that I don't have nor the time or patience to explore. I'm very scarred on my body due to my attempt. Thankfully I can hide it for the most part, but even then. I get reminded of my greatest failure to be out of all this. Very condensed. But again, tired of this shit.

My ideation has intensified these past months. Despite my SI being virtually nonexistent. I still struggle to settle on a new method because if I fail. It's over. I'll get thrown in a loony bin for the rest of my conceivable days. (And I do desire to at least have SOMETHING presentable. But it's not truly a priority because I just want to be done with it.)

So far I'm contemplating
- Driving off a beach cliffside at full speed (150ft drop with aggressive currents)
- Getting blackout drunk and zip tying my neck once I'm semi drowsy. (In a private hotel room obviously, may play music/movies to hide any sounds of thrashing/vomit)
- SN (Although I'm genuinely clueless and have trouble figuring out how to obtain it without getting scammed + the actual threads confuse me as I see a lot of conflicting info)
- OD (Specifically on a mix of Gabapentin and lorezapam as a previous attempt with Gabapentin alone essentially succeeded with me falling comatose. The only reason I survived was because I was a foolish kid and was found early. Although again..unsure of how I would go about obtaining these as I'm generally clueless as to how without a prescription/the hassle of going to a doc)

Hanging is another that appeals to me but I always seem to have trouble figuring out placements for knot despite feeling my carotid. I'm not even on the larger side and can feel it quite easily. Not sure what I'm doing wrong there, but if I could get linked more extensive/cohesive resources pertaining to this method PLEASE do link them in replies because if I manage to figure this one out this will be the way I go.

Apologies if this post is nonsensical. My ADHD is severe. It is getting worse as I age and it's getting harder and harder to piece my thoughts in a cohesive manner.
Basically: Giving rare POV (So feel free to ask about the attempt if you so wish), seeking advice/extensive discussion on CTB methods as I'm too disorganized to pick anything cohesive or effective.

i wish i could give you a hug :( you're such a strong person for still being here even though it's hard for you. i am proud of you.
please remember you are loved, valued, and appreciated.

as for your statement on how medicine works against you, i once took over 50 blood pressure pills and i was fine, i guess they were such a small dosage. all that happened was i threw up and then slept for a bit.

 

[Omniscient Chasm]

I relate to this so much. I am not necessarily so disabled that I can't work at all, but I am so tired and have so many issues that I am exhausted by working and just end up either working or doing nothing, and even that is difficult. But having worked, it would be hard for me to claim disability, and if I did so, it would force me to interact with more mental health professionals, which ups my risk of hospitalization, and I'm terrified of hospitalization and mental health professionals.

My fear of mental health professionals and mental health care if the primary reason I keep working and am not trying to be on disability, but it's an awful existence. It's really unfortunate that there isn't a "partly disabled" category or that someone like me couldn't be on disability while also avoiding psychiatry.

Just realize how lucky you were to not end up in a situation where you couldn't choose to end things if you want. It could be so much worse. That may be of no consolation.

That's where I find myself very fortunate. I still have one more shot to do this right, others have been put in permanent commitment for far less severe attempts than mine.

It's a shame that to get any sort of accommodation or leeway you basically have to give up your autonomy by being on disability/subject to frequent checks by mental health professionals. It's so frustrating being in that inbetween where you're visibly abled enough to power through work but drown in other very needed tasks.

It drives me mad and makes me feel so useless because I know people CAN do it. But I just can't because I was born wrong.

Although, I'm the negative one for pointing this out apparently! God forbid I want to take the little control I have by ending my life on my own terms instead of continuing to decline.

 

[fadedghost]

That's where I find myself very fortunate. I still have one more shot to do this right, others have been put in permanent commitment for far less severe attempts than mine.

It's a shame that to get any sort of accommodation or leeway you basically have to give up your autonomy by being on disability/subject to frequent checks by mental health professionals. It's so frustrating being in that inbetween where you're visibly abled enough to power through work but drown in other very needed tasks.

It drives me mad and makes me feel so useless because I know people CAN do it. But I just can't because I was born wrong.

Although, I'm the negative one for pointing this out apparently! God forbid I want to take the little control I have by ending my life on my own terms instead of continuing to decline.

It's just interesting how all the pro-lifers want people to call 988 and take this pill and do this therapy or that, but when it comes to actual real hard things, like the fact there's no partly-disabled category for people who are very damaged, they don't do anything. It's all "attitude of gratitude" this and "Prozac!" that, but real financial issues and problems with working full-time, often combined with difficult or abusive family, leads many people to end it. Why change the laws when you can encourage people to simply visualize a tranquility tree? The mental health industry is full of empty lies and a distraction from the real underlying issues making suicide rates increase.

People who are partly disabled are more likely to have parents who used drugs and alcohol and/or prescription quantities in limited quantities during the pregnancy (not enough for CPS to be involved or the child to be clearly damaged, like fetal alcohol syndrome, but enough to have problems) and so the half-disabled people of the world often don't have decent family support. It's like society wants us to die, and the empty messages of "think positive" or "call 988" are just another form of vicious cruelty.

 

[Omniscient Chasm]

It's just interesting how all the pro-lifers want people to call 988 and take this pill and do this therapy or that, but when it comes to actual real hard things, like the fact there's no partly-disabled category for people who are very damaged, they don't do anything. It's all "attitude of gratitude" this and "Prozac!" that, but real financial issues and problems with working full-time, often combined with difficult or abusive family, leads many people to end it. Why change the laws when you can encourage people to simply visualize a tranquility tree? The mental health industry is full of empty lies and a distraction from the real underlying issues making suicide rates increase.

People who are partly disabled are more likely to have parents who used drugs and alcohol and/or prescription quantities in limited quantities during the pregnancy (not enough for CPS to be involved or the child to be clearly damaged, like fetal alcohol syndrome, but enough to have problems) and so the half-disabled people of the world often don't have decent family support. It's like society wants us to die, and the empty messages of "think positive" or "call 988" are just another form of vicious cruelty.

As someone who always has thought through my suicide attempt and been very intentional about it. I never understood the gimmick behind 988 or similar hotlines. Why would I talk to someone who only aims to deescalate me enough to get me sent to a psych unit? I understand for more..emotional/attention seeking folks who just need a lifeline it could work to stabilize them and realize/fix the problems in their lives. (No judgement to those who attempt for attention/more seemingly 'emotional'/'foolish' reasons. I just simply cannot understand it.)

But for me personally it just never made sense. Because again. Why would I tell ANYONE about my plans to kill myself? I want to be actually successful. Not get pity or attention. Anyone like myself just goes forth with the attempt and succeds. (Or doesn't in my hilarious case. Genuinely still stumped as to how the fuck I survived suicide by cop despite my almost life ending injuries. One of the most lethal and foolproof methods. Yet I survived.)

 

[fadedghost]

As someone who always has thought through my suicide attempt and been very intentional about it. I never understood the gimmick behind 988 or similar hotlines. Why would I talk to someone who only aims to deescalate me enough to get me sent to a psych unit? I understand for more..emotional/attention seeking folks who just need a lifeline it could work to stabilize them and realize/fix the problems in their lives. (No judgement to those who attempt for attention/more seemingly 'emotional'/'foolish' reasons. I just simply cannot understand it.)

But for me personally it just never made sense. Because again. Why would I tell ANYONE about my plans to kill myself? I want to be actually successful. Not get pity or attention. Anyone like myself just goes forth with the attempt and succeds. (Or doesn't in my hilarious case. Genuinely still stumped as to how the fuck I survived suicide by cop despite my almost life ending injuries. One of the most lethal and foolproof methods. Yet I survived.)

Yeah, I get it. Quantim Immortality is a bitch. I've been there too. I'm still hoping to get around the laws of physics one way or another...

 

[Passenger4224]

Just wanted to say I strongly admire your courage. I hope things go well for you, no matter what you decide.