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lili

lili

Specialist
Feb 17, 2022
319
I've made many attempts so it's kind of difficult to say. I have been struggling recently with the last one I did, because it made my lover decide to leave me. And it was someone I met on this website too. He said he could never forgive me after me overdosing once again. It really tore me apart and made me want to die even more. Ended up once again at the hospital too. But I guess I need to see what has happened that is positive since then.

1. I was able to finish writing a feature, although I don't think it will ever get made.
2. My youngest brother came to visit me for the first time since I have lived in this country (close to ten years).
3. I met a new friend group, although Ive been hooking up with a lot of the guys in the group so I don't know if it's an entirely positive thing.
4. I have played Tears of the Kingdom, although I am not sure if that is strong enough to make it worth living for me.
5. I really enjoyed Elden Ring.
6. I had a birthday party and people actually came. I was really surprised that so many people came and some gave me flowers. But I got really fucked up and threw up everywhere and passed out on the toilet. I hate it that I always make a scene like that.
 
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murphyy

murphyy

yeehaw
Nov 24, 2022
39
I would never see the animatic a reader made because they were inspired by my writing, and the all the nice comments I received about it. I felt like I was worth something, like I could take on the world -- if only for a day or two :]
 
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iLikeFrogs

iLikeFrogs

In the grippy socks jail
May 5, 2023
88
Owning a dog, getting drunk and swimming in a lake in rain.
 
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FormerlyFe(IV)

FormerlyFe(IV)

Snapped.
Jun 27, 2023
419
I'm still waiting for Silksong.

No joke, I've overhyped this game to myself but it was a reason to look forward. Sounds dumb, but so is life and humanity.

Also now I have three cats <3
 
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S

ssummers11

Member
Jun 30, 2023
5
I don't know who needs to read this but to give you a picture I've suffered with feeling extremely isolated and depressed for the most part of my life. I did not have a great upbringing, I was told as a child by my own mother that she wished I was dead. I had an estranged relationship with my father, was relentlessly bullied in school, lived with my alcoholic, bipolar, depressed mother and 2 younger half brothers. I was from a poor household and many of my basic needs were not met as a child and I was abused. To make matters worse, after turning 18 and moving out and trying to restore the relationship with my mother, her partner of 5 years CTB a couple days after Christmas and she followed on the 30th. Needless to say I wasn't feeling very optimistic at a happy new year. I had lived much of my childhood longing for death and the only thing that kept me on this earth was knowing how it would effect my younger half brothers and that they would likely take on the brunt of the abuse from my mother instead of me. I want to give hope to those of you that feel like you have none, because despite all this (and my current problems in life which in themselves are extremely demotivating and depressing) there is a light at the end of the tunnel for some. If I had never stuck it through those dark times for so long then I would have never met my incredible girlfriend or amazing friends who I can confidently say, make all of the struggle and suffering I've endured more than worth it. I've experienced the happiest times of my life with these people and I want people to know that no matter how hopeless it seems or how broken you feel, you have the power to make it through to the other side and finally experience what makes life worth living. If the rest of my days on this earth are sprinkled with moments of joy, love, happiness and laughter mixed in with the bad moments then it's worth living and it's worth the hardship. I understand this is just one persons story of billions and my story isn't over yet, but if you're going through a dark time and don't see a way out, please try your best hold on for as long as you can as you never know when things will turn around in the most unexpected ways. The circumstances that I met my friends and girlfriend seem so unlikely that if my past wasn't exactly the way it has been then I would have never met these people and if that's what it took to meet them, then I'm glad for everything I went through. If I could do it then I believe there is hope for all of you <3 Take it one day at a time and please don't give up hope for a better future
 
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RedSpiderLily

RedSpiderLily

Angst Fanatic
Jun 30, 2023
10
Some positives things for me fall under the "it's the little things" logic, but that is is, as I've learned, perfectly fine.

If I CTB in 2022 I wouldn't have:

  • Gotten to see the anime adaptation to BLEACH
  • Gotten back into writing
  • Wrote my 34k word one-shot
  • Gotten to play Tears of the Kingdom or Hogwarts Legacy
  • See my husband enjoy watching Naruto
  • Stand up to my sister in a way that fucking mattered
  • Watched my friend start the re-write of her book and get the opportunity to read the first chapter of the re-write before anyone else
  • Got to own a husky like I've dreamed of since I was a kid
  • Learned to play guitar
Zombieland has it right, ig, because it's stupid things like these that make me wanna keep going in some of my darker moments.
 
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illvoid

illvoid

he/it
Aug 11, 2022
115
I never would have played what went on to be my favorite game, Life is Strange. I wouldnt have ended up in a relationship with my best friend. I would have never learned about Job Corps, which is currently my only hope for getting some life skills and getting out of poverty. I wouldn't have gone into ED recovery. Wouldn't have seen MCR live. Wouldn't have fixed my relationships with the people I fucked over. I would have missed a lot of things. Thank you for posting this thread, holy shit.
 
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Celerity

Celerity

shape without form, shade without colour
Jan 24, 2021
2,733
  • There is certainly some really great media that I would have missed out on if I had CTB including TV shows, movies, books, and poetry. I believe enjoying art is part of what gives human life meaning, and I have gained a more subtle appreciation for all forms of art as I have gotten older. My tastes have certainly becoming more eclectic, and I am willing to be more patient with new forms of art I am exposed to.
  • My dad came very close to dying a few years ago, and I am grateful for the fact that I could be there for him in his darkest hour. In fact, if life had worked out like I had planned, I would have been several states away at the time of his emergency. I also played a major role in bullying him into the medical treatment he needed. With my parents' marriage being as terrible as it is and my brother embroiled in his own very busy life, it is realistic to say that my dad may have died without my intervention. The medical treatment he received was barely just in time to save him.
  • I still have not experienced romantic love and likely never will. However, I did have a brush with an infatuation that was like the song lyrics talk about and how they present it in the movies. Overall, it was a very painful experience since it didn't work out, but I will never forget the exhilaration I felt before it all fell apart.
  • I have learned so much about my past through therapy that I feel like it would have been a shame to CTB without knowing it. CTB may still be in my future, but I am thankful to know the truth about how I have gotten to be where I am. There really is nothing like having that lightbulb moment when you understand your disjointed life story for the first time.
Ok. Easy answer.

Nothing.

I really tried to CTB exactly 10 years ago and everything would have been better if I succeeded. My parents were younger and they would have coped with it better. Now, it would kill them. They are sickly old people in the middle of their 70s. My nephews were babies or not even born yet and it wouldn't gave them ideas. I had a lot more friends that would have actually missed me. I did nothing of importance in that period of time, I have formed no new relationships, I have no memories worth mentioning.

It was the perfect moment and I blew it.
I felt exactly like this no less than a year ago, even with the elderly parents to boot. I hope things improve for you despite the odds as they have for me. Not to be trite, but maybe your breakthrough is right around the corner. I had no hope of getting better until I somehow did.
 
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Chunchi

Chunchi

Member
Apr 9, 2023
21
Well it would probably be falling in love. I hated life and mostly still do but I love the feeling of somone actually caring for me for once. Its like something i have never felt before and its amazing. She is mostly the reason i am alive today and havent commited ctb. Really scared of what is going to happen if we ever break up.
 
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S

suicidalloser

Specialist
Jun 30, 2023
365
nothing, why is that so hard to believe for some people?
 
misarexic

misarexic

i’ve never felt so low
Jun 23, 2023
18
i've been waiting for the fnaf movie for 7 years i might as well give it another couple of months for the Oct 27th release
 
sometimes.sometimes

sometimes.sometimes

Student
Jun 4, 2023
145
  • Being one of the winners of a writing competition
  • Finding out that Futurama is getting renewed
  • The Mario Brothers Movie
  • Finding out what a healthy relationship actually is like, and who to avoid
  • Slowly learning who I want to be and what I want to do with myself
  • Watching the remake of All Quiet on the Western Front
  • Finally getting back into books. I have been reading more comics, too, which is very wild. (Scott Pilgrim was pretty interesting, haha)
  • Learning how to mimic people's handwriting
  • Learning how to write with both hands (my left hand still needs practice, but it looks good)
  • Learning French
  • Getting back into contact with my grandma
  • Learning how to voice act
 
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themisfell

themisfell

Member
May 31, 2023
63
going to uni, escaping a co-dependent and physically abusive relationship. getting a degree as well as one of my favorite games of all time (Final Fantasy XIV)
 
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GRIM_DEADMAN

GRIM_DEADMAN

Dead Man Walking
Feb 14, 2023
51
I would have never met some amazing people
I wouldn't have played some games I love
I wouldv'e missed out on listening to an album I was looking forward to
I wouldn't have seen some movies I really like

Think that's about it.
 
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LunaXCBN

LunaXCBN

The Best Thing (That Never Happened)
Feb 6, 2023
119
Realizing i'm capable of being fixed.
I just need help in life, that's all.
 
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AriasRed

AriasRed

Member
Jul 6, 2023
34
Wouldn't have watched John Wick with my mom and showed her how good the movie is.
 
Stripe19

Stripe19

Forgotten Martyr
Feb 28, 2023
39
If i CTB'd any of the times i planned to, i would never see the days i live now. Loneliness still crushes me, and isolation is downright unbearable, but i am a fucking hero to more people than i ever would've imagined, unaware that their "Unbreakable saint" is just very good at hiding their weakness. But what does that matter, what does it matter who's done whatever to me? I've had people attack and use and assualt me for any and every end, and yet it's me who comforts people ive known for days in my arms when they're sobbing and weak, it's me who has sworn to keep them safe and happy, it is me who people look up to. It doesn't matter what happened to me, it doesn't matter if im so much weaker than they think, because the mask i wear is enough, because nobody but me is willing to get burnt to pull someone out of the fire. Im an idiot to pessimists, a tragedy to those who get a glance, but to the people i consider friends, im their hero, their motherly figure, their guardian angel. I used to hate myself to very much, but none of the reasons matter anymore because i am not any of those things now, i simply must be the shining light in the dark these poor sops so desperately need.

Most of my life, ive lacked any true self love. I've had nothing but hate for myself, but this? This is the love showering of an amount of people so large it cant fit in my house, and the reminder that so many people genuinely believe in me and need me is greater than all the sins i'd want to burn for. This is bigger than me, but it doesn't have to exclude me. I apply my own mask to myself, and funnily enough, the mask becomes the face, the lie becomes the truth.
 
DeadPool360

DeadPool360

My everyday is nothing but a video on repeat
May 4, 2023
37
well idk
maybe those two friends who supported me for a while
idk cant seem to remember my past couple of years
seem to be forgetting a lot of my memories these days
maybe Couse nothing big happened idk feel like i am just a robot or something
oh i remembered something i finished mafia 2 story
and ac2 100% guess that counts
 
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LowlyBoy

LowlyBoy

Member
Jul 10, 2023
21
i never would've seen the ending to the owl house.
i never would've gotten my current cat :(
i never would've found my current religion i'm (loosely) following.
i never would've come out to my dad as transgender.
i never would've met my therapist.
i never would've met one of my now best friends.
i never would've known about the new season of black butler.
i never would've found out how good kiwis are.
i never would've met my amazing ASL teacher.
i never would've found out my theater teacher was gay-
and i never would've known about the hundreds of incredible songs and artists i've discovered.
 
HoleintheDark

HoleintheDark

Writhing with the worms
Jul 12, 2023
34
My favorite music artist just released a new album, and it was definitely worth sticking around for. Now I just gotta hang on until the next one lol
 
qwert3948

qwert3948

Member
Apr 24, 2023
40
i could only come up with some internet stuff i enjoy. cool animes, some music, etc.
i wonder if it was worth it.
 
sppplmgwiwlkiwbtft

sppplmgwiwlkiwbtft

you see it too. for me, it's always like this.
Jun 15, 2023
59
Would never meet a little kitten that i rescued from the streets and that is now growing up to be an incredibly beautiful, smart and sweet cat
Would never be meet and know closer a girl that is currently one of my best friends
Would never get drunk for the first time ever
Would never learned that I passed my final exams with brilliant scores
 
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GachiBoy

GachiBoy

Member
Aug 14, 2023
8
War.Unironically shit been soooo good for my mental health, it's unreal, fills me with purpose and made me rethink my life. I wanted to blow my brains out with dads shotgun 3 years ago, the only thing that saved me was the fact that he bought some sort of trigger lock cuz earlier I ranted to my familly about suicide, that shit made me laugh and kinda melted my heart. And now lo and behold WAR! And it was such a gut punch that I feel like I sobered up. Shits crazy
 
N

noname223

Angelic
Aug 18, 2020
4,661
I am sad that due to the data loss so many replies from this thread are now lost. Some comments were warm-heartening for my mind and feelings. I am glad when others are still able to see light in all of this darkness. (that life often is for many of us on here)
 
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Brown-Jacket Revy

Brown-Jacket Revy

Waste
Jul 10, 2023
175
There is literally nothing that I would have missed out on if I'd killed myself at 18.
 
jiuie

jiuie

New Member
Feb 5, 2023
1
have yet to experience something that made me go "im 100% glad i didnt kill myself that night" but my boyfriends smile is damn close
 
MiMif

MiMif

I do not live for others to understand me...
Sep 13, 2023
588
Here after a long time a recovery thread. I am struggling but I try to spread some positivity.

The plot of some animes that I love
Many Lil Peep and Juice WRLD songs
Attending college without an immediate relapse
Socializing at college and the good grades with give me more self-confidence
The David Foster Wallace stories and his biography
Buying a playstation 5
Buying a newspaper subscription and reading interesting science articles
Sharing my thoughts here in this community and getting support for it
Spending more time with my best friends
Some video games I waited many years to be released

Do you have some things that you are glad to have experienced? I was close to killing myself 2018 and a lot happened since. Sadly also very bad stuff but I want to focus here on positive aspects.
Making a group of friends I felt I fit in with (though that feeling didn't last long and I felt secluded and like I was just an extra and they wouldn't give a damn if I died) and probably anime releases...I love bungou stray dogs
 
D

dead_milky

Member
Sep 9, 2023
75
meeting the people I have, finding new hobbies, seeing new content for the things I love, exploring my gender identity, finding my personal style and how I want to present myself