ConfusedHurting2632
Student
- Dec 22, 2021
- 116
Alright this whole thing ended up WAAAAY longer than I expected, and if you do decide to read this long ass post beyond this point, all I can say to you is for you to please brace yourself. I talk about a whole bunch of personal, arguably absolutely disgusting shit. This is not the type of thing I can really provide a TL;DR for, so you're not getting one, sorry, but for this type of in-depth serious topic it would be incredibly disingenuous for me to try to summarize or paraphrase any of it at all. If you do keep reading, then good luck, and thank you in advance! All I ask is for you to be nice and not throw personal insults at me or anything like that. Though I realize it would be unfair for me to ask you all not to judge me, because as humans we judge everyone all the time, whether we like it or not, or whether we consciously realize it or not. But yeah, that's it for the warning introduction stuff. Let's start!
I've been kind of wanting to write about this for a while, but didn't know when I should write about this or where I should post it...though predominately I mainly use either this website or Reddit, so it was between just these two anyway. I could've written this on some sub-reddit about asexuality or at least demisexuality, but with me, I have a very pessimistic viewpoint of life and literally EVERYTHING about me inevitably goes back to death, extreme depression and anxiety, and suicide. And it feels like I can't express that part of myself on Reddit or any other mainstream social media without it "breaking the rules" and being eventually taken down by a moderator or administrator. And even when it comes to the few sub-reddits dedicated to depression, suicide discussion/suicide watch, or mental health issues; no one on there seems to pay attention to my posts or notice them because my post just gets lost in new because so many people are posting all the time. So it kind of helps that this website is kind of a smaller community than Reddit.
I'm posting this on off topic because though everything about me eventually goes back to death and suicide/depression, the main focus of this specific post is my "weird" history with romantic and sexual feelings, and me possibly being some form of asexual. Wouldn't feel too fair to post this sort of thing in suicide discussion where many people are posting about their last words before they eventually kill themselves very soon, or discussing methods on how to ultimately kill themselves. It would just feel wrong and out of place. Also I tagged it as NSFW because I do plan to go very in-depth about my romantic and sexual feelings, which can make some people uncomfortable.
I say "weird" in quotes like that because weird is quite subjective, though what I'm about to start describing pertaining to my history with romantic and sexual feelings can indeed be seen as "objectively weird" by the majority of the population. Especially because the average person wouldn't really overanalyze their life behaviors in such detail like this, in such a brutally honest way. Be prepared to read some weird shit up ahead. Sorry in advance if things get too weird. You can think what you want of me, all I ask is that you please do not leave mean comments. I'm already judged and ostracized by everyone as it is, both offline and online. Please don't add fuel to the fire. Thank you.
But anyway, I guess I should start writing about the topic itself. So starting with my earliest childhood memories...6 years old in kindergarten is when I VIVIDLY started to remember more stuff, though I do remember some pretty small snippets from about ages 3-5. Though I highly doubt I remember anything from ages 0-2, lol. But onto the romantic feelings...strangely enough, I don't ever remember NOT having romantic feelings! But it wasn't quite in the way you'd expect. I felt romantic feelings only towards fictional girls. As in literally just cartoon/animated girls. Not real girls. I don't know exactly what it was, but at that young age girls who were my age just seemed to be kind of too immature? When it came to cartoon girls, even if they were supposed to be very young they generally acted way more mature than someone their age generally would. And that's sort of what drew me to them I guess? Honestly as a kid I didn't really like other kids. I was scared of them and didn't fit in with them, and they would notice I was rather shy/awkward/weird and single me out and tease me and call me names. And that was both the girls and the boys. I also didn't really like how noisy, destructive, and messy kids my age tended to be. But cartoon girls seemed a lot nicer and more mature. Besides that though, on a more superficial level I just found cartoon girls cute as fuck. They were kind of perfect in a way. And this was back when I was a very young child, so I literally thought these cartoon girls were real the same way I thought Santa Claus and The Easter Bunny were real. I thought there was a potential I could meet these cartoon girls one day, and we could like...I don't know? Hang out as friends? Maybe give each other hugs? Maybe give each other innocent pecks on the cheeks and on the lips? Just typical innocent romantic stuff. PG rated at best. Nothing sexual or R rated though. That kind of stuff would come later on between ages 11-13.
At this point it's obvious I did like girls, but I haven't told you guys my own sex/gender, which would be AMAB or Assigned Male At Birth for my biological sex, and as a young child I did fully identify as a boy for my gender, but around age 18 or so I would begin to take a more non-binary or agender role. And I'm 21 today if it matters. But for now I was basically just a straight boy interested in romance with cartoon girls.
Continuing the point with the romantic attraction to the cartoon girls though...I feel it's honest/fair to talk about some specific ones I was into. At each young childhood age I was more or less into a different one. For around ages 3-6, mainly picturing age 6 since age 3-5 was extremely vague...I was really into this Brazilian cartoon called Turma Da Monica, and I had a crush on this female character from there named Magali. That cartoon had four main characters: two girls, two boys. The other girl was named Monica, but I liked Magali much more because Monica was always aggressive and beating up the boys, while Magali was a lot more chill and peaceful, and just sort of loved food/watermelons, lol. I also just thought her physical appearance was cuter/softer/more feminine. At around this same age range 3-6, I was also really into the Teletubbies, and this was more of a semi-crush than an actual crush, but I did quite like Laa-Laa from the Teletubbies. I say semi-crush because Laa-Laa was quite obviously not human, and I did recognize this: she was just kind of a big giant yellow plush toy. But she was still relatively humanoid and did have a slightly tanned skin colored face. And she was kind of cute in her own way. Though it was not a real crush like with the actual human girl Magali, and it was mostly because I was just so obsessed with the Teletubbies that I quite literally FORCED myself to have a semi-crush on Laa-Laa, the most obviously feminine Teletubby, just so I could say I had a crush from my favorite show at the time, lol. Moving onto age 7 though...I was really into this girl named Zoe Drake from this anime called Dinosaur King. At age 7 I was completely obsessed with dinosaurs, so I loved that Zoe loved dinosaurs as well; and she also loved the color green which I thought was a great color, and eventually ended up becoming my own favorite color soon after! Her design was also just cute as fuck: just a cute slim anime girl with pinkish orange hair that she styles in cute, bushy pigtails. Moving onto age 8...I really liked Wendy Testaburger from South Park. Yes, my parents did let me watch the R rated South Park at 8 years old, lol. They just didn't care. They also had let me watch Family Guy and a bunch of terrifying horror movies. But for Wendy, I just liked how she seemed smart and genuine, and I thought her design was cute, albeit very simple. There was one episode where she seemed to have anger issues and was screaming a lot, and she literally murdered a substitute teacher, which kind of scared me...but that's what I get for watching South Park at 8 years old I guess, lol. But for Wendy it was literally just a one time thing in the VERY FIRST season of a currently 25 season show that's been going on since 1997, back when they were still figuring out her character, and she's developed a lot since...so I guess she gets a pass, lol. Then moving onto age 9...I really liked Blossom from the PowerPuff Girls. Just like Wendy her design was very simple, but also very adorable to me. Blossom was also shown time and time again to be "the smart one" of the PowerPuff Girls and an excellent leader...which I greatly admired. She also kind of seemed to be the strongest overall PowerPuff Girl, or to at least have the best strategy, so that was a plus. And lastly, moving onto age 10. I really liked Misty from Pokemon. Similar to Zoe from earlier, Misty was just a really cute slim anime girl, with orange hair tied in a side ponytail. She was tomboyish but also sensitive and sweet, and a really powerful Water type Pokemon trainer. Once age 11 came though...I kind of realized on my own that all these cartoon girls I had been obsessing over all this time weren't real, and that they were just hand-drawn or digitally drawn and colored in, and that voice actors did their voices. I also realized that Santa Claus and The Easter Bunny weren't real either. I basically realized that none of the fun fictional characters I had hoped to meet one day were even real. So I got over having genuine crushes on them and treating them as if they were real people.
At age 10 I did gradually start to realize how oversexualized culture was in general though...I quite vividly remember at age 10 I was watching a YouTube video about Misty from Pokemon, and one of the most popular comments was something like, "Wow! Misty sure grew boobs! So hot!" And I was just like: "What the fuck are boobs? Why do you even care about that?! Why not just look at her face?!" And I just tried to avoid anything sexual like the plague because it was weird and didn't make sense to me...
At age 11 though...it became a slightly different story. I began to come across this genre of anime called "ecchi harem anime." Basically anime that is sexy without being straight up porn or hentai. Usually no nudity either most of the time, and when there is nudity it's usually censored in some way. These sort of anime do tend to have some sort of story or plot, and unique/memorable characters, though they usually aren't the best written. Still though...I ate that shit up. I enjoyed the general story and romance of these shows, and I did enjoy the personality of these characters, while also getting to enjoy big anime titties in skimpy clothes like a low cut shirt, bra, or bikini top; or panty shots in a very short mini skirt! It wasn't quite a sexual thing for me yet (at least not 100% sexual yet), but I was starting to be intrigued by this sexuality stuff, and I did think that the big anime titties and panty shots looked visually appealing, though not necessarily arousing yet. However I was still really disgusted by anything involving actual nudity, or actual sex/porn/hentai. I only liked to see the anime girls half naked! No more explicit than that!
If it matters what specific ecchi harem anime type shows I watched, then it was stuff like: School Days, Sora No Otoshimono, Kore Wa Zombie Desu Ka, Hoshizora E Kakaru Hashi, Date A Live, NouCome, Dokuro Chan, Kiss X Sis, Rosario Vampire, etc. I think that's all the ones I watched over time, though I could be missing one or two of course, haha. Most of these shows were pretty generic and more or less bled into each other anyway. I feel I should be even more specific though. Though the ecchi harem anime satisfied my romantic and newly developing sexual urges the best, a lot of anime in general, including those not even in the genre, did have some "fan service" or oversexualized characters. Namely a lot of battle shounens. Like Nami from One Piece, Lucy from Fairy Tail, or Bulma from Dragon Ball. I was also intrigued by these characters, though they were not the main focus of their stories like in ecchi harems.
One day though, when I was around 12/13, so most likely 12 and a half, I noticed my penis would get hard when watching all this sexy anime stuff. I didn't know what to make of it, and I was even a bit scared/confused, but...I noticed it was a pattern. One day I started lightly stroking my penis whenever it would happen. It felt kind of good. So I started to do it more. I started to do it more regularly over a couple of days. One day I stroked my penis slightly longer and harder compared to the other days, and I felt this weird sensation in my penis, as if my penis was becoming alive or taking a mind of its own or something, and then suddenly white gooey stuff began to gradually shoot out from my penis. Of course this was cum/semen, but I didn't really know what it was at the time. Regardless, I liked it, and I would start to masturbate regularly from this point on. There would be times ahead where I would even do it several times in just one day, or where I would become addicted to it. Being addicted to it would be a problem, where I would do it just to get an easy shot of immediate pleasure/dopamine, regardless of how much it physically started to hurt and sting my penis. Not too healthy. But regardless, I was still glad I discovered this new thing about myself in the end. By this time, unlike at age 11, it had indeed evolved into something sexual. My dick was literally getting hard and I was masturbating, so by this point I had not only romantic feelings, but sexual feelings as well.
Something else also happened though...around this same time I discovered masturbation at around 12 and a half, I soon began to notice actual real girls my age soon after. Before this point I used to think real girls my age were just really immature, noisy, and mean. But I was 12 and a half now...I wasn't 3-6 years old anymore. I had grown up a lot compared to before, and so had the girls around me. The girls my age weren't as immature, noisy, or mean anymore. They were actually rather nice and polite now. They did nothing to bother me or make fun of me anymore. And for the first time...I thought they were uh...kind of sexy. I looked around at them, and noticed that most of them, if not nearly ALL of them had quite noticeable breasts now. Just like in the ecchi harem anime I was watching...but this was better, because these were real boobs, and more proportional to their bodies than the unnaturally huge anime boobs. I also had kind of developed a thing for bra straps showing or the outline of the cups of the bra showing. It reminded me the girl was human and wore underwear (bras) like everyone else. The only disappointing thing was the real girls didn't wear short mini skirts to show off their legs and panties, but they did wear rather tight jeans/trousers that emphasized the shape of their ass and thighs...better than nothing, lol.
However, something else was also going on. While I did definitely feel sexual attraction to an extent, and I definitely did get hard and masturbate...I wasn't turned on by nudity or porn, still. I was only attracted to girls in bikini or in their underwear. Any more than that and I was completely turned off sexually. I found the genitalia/vagina very weird looking and not sexy. I'd rather a woman cover it up with a panty or bikini bottom. Same goes for the butthole. As for the boobs...well they don't look too bad I guess, but I still think they look much better with the support of a bra or bikini top. Then for porn...I just found it completely gross/repulsive, to be honest. Especially when the guy in porn would start to shoot his cum all over the place, all over the woman, etc. Also, while I did find girls my age physically attractive and sexy now, I didn't want to have sex with them. Sex just seemed like such a gross and messy activity. And I was completely against casual hook up culture too. And I was a super shy introvert with social anxiety, so the idea of partaking in that sort of thing just had zero appeal to me, and seemed to go against my entire personality and everything I believed in. But apparently, I was the abnormal one. Everyone at school was talking about sex literally all the time. How they were a huge fan of nudity, how they watched all sorts of kinky porn. And a lot of them were expressing that they either wanted to have sex really bad, or even that they already HAD sex or WERE having sex currently. And I...just couldn't relate to any of it. Nudity was gross to me. Porn was gross to me. The idea of having sex with someone was gross to me. What the fuck was wrong with me? Literally everyone else was into this stuff. Why couldn't I be as well? Why couldn't I just join the party with literally everyone else?
Then came age 14, and I began to notice more new things about my sexuality. I had now developed a thing for silky smooth sexy bare legs...while the girls my age didn't wear Japanese schoolgirl mini skirts, they did wear SHORT SHORTS. Which was just as good, if not even better. Short shorts showed just as much bare leg as a mini skirt, whilst also being practical for everyday life and exercise, and they looked simple and not excessively girly like a skirt, and were a bit more gender-neutral. Another thing I began to notice though...my attraction to bare legs was not limited to just girls. I liked boy's bare legs too! Unfortunately boy's shorts weren't really "short shorts" as they tended to be knee-length or slightly below the knee, but I still got a glimpse of their thighs when they sat down and their shorts rode up a bit, or when they were exercising in different positions and their shorts also rode up then. This is when I realized I was bisexual or pansexual. While I definitely did prefer girls, and feminine girls at that too, I still could see at least some sexiness in boys as well. And when it came to the legs/thighs specifically, there wasn't that much difference between the girls and the boys except for the amount of leg hair, but a lot of boys didn't have that much leg hair either.
From age 14 forward things seemed to sort of stagnate a bit in terms of romantic and sexual feelings...at age 15 things didn't seem much different at all. At age 16 though...there was this really cute girl named Cecilia in my AP Psychology class, and I became literally completely OBSESSED with her for about a year. Physically I liked her a lot. She was a White girl with light brown skin...she did seem to go out in the sun a lot, but she did seem to be naturally slightly tanned as well. She had uh sort of medium to light brown hair, mid-back length. She wore short shorts a lot in the middle of class and I admired her confidence. I checked out her Instagram and Facebook and she had tons of bikini pics, so I admired her confidence there as well. She was about average height, not that tall, not that short either, but probably closer to slightly taller than average if anything. Personality wise...I barely knew her and the traits I came up in my mind for her were based on shallow observations of how she interacted with others, but she still did seem generally friendly and outgoing and a little bit funny/goofy as well. She also seemed relatively intelligent and seemed eager to learn about AP Psychology and would often answer the teacher's questions. The way I've been describing Cecilia she might seem like a dream come true, but my obsession with her was completely unhealthy and lasted for way too long. The worst part though was that I had barely talked to her the whole school year and then at the END sent her a friend request on Instagram and Facebook...she didn't outright deny them, but she didn't accept either. She just let the friend request sit there forever. And one day, I was feeling super nervous and super tired as well and forgot to say thank you to her as she held the door for me, and she cursed me out SUPER LOUD in the school hallway for EVERYONE to hear. That pretty much confirmed she had zero interest in me and wanted nothing to do with me.
When it came to Cecilia though, I think I liked more the IDEA of being with her rather than ACTUALLY being with her. If we had actually gotten together as a couple I have no idea what we'd do. Cuddle, hug, and kiss? Seems fun enough. Would I have wanna have had sex with her though? Ew no, sex is still gross and doesn't interest me at all. Maybe it's best we didn't even end up together, lol.
Another important thing from age 16 pertaining to Cecilia though...I had enjoyed writing stories and making up my own characters...and though I had made up several characters, the two main characters were basically Recon, who was basically my self-insert with some traits modified...and Luna, who was originally based off of Cecilia but I gradually changed her more and more to become her own unique person/character rather than just literally being Cecilia. Luna was 5'11, a half Black half White woman, medium brown colored skin, dark brown colored straight hair that's very long and reaches just past her butt that she usually keeps in a really long ponytail, a curvaceous figure with big boobs and a big butt, relatively small waist, overall pretty muscular figure as well, flat toned stomach with abs, toned long legs in proportion to her body, etc. If I had to compare her to someone it'd be Korra from Legend of Korra, though I still envision her as way different. As for her personality...Luna was very sweet and strong, very touchy feely, she hated wearing pants and wore short shorts all the time, or a short skirt or short dress that goes well above her knees. Luna was also extremely open-minded and willing to accept Recon exactly for who he is, and willing to help him express himself better.
Since age 16 and the end of AP Psychology I have since completely gotten over Cecilia, but Luna still remains to this day at age 21 for me. Not in a bad way though. The idea of Luna is just really comforting to me. I imagine me and Luna would definitely hug, cuddle, kiss, and nuzzle cheeks with each other so I can feel her soft cheeks on my face. Would me and Luna have sex though...I don't know. Me imagining having sex with her feels rather unnatural, and like I'm forcing something because I'm "supposed" to rather than because I actually WANT to. But if sex with Luna made her happy I could MAYBE handle it as long as she wasn't into any of that super painful BDSM type stuff, or anything gross like a pee or poop fetish.
I realize finding a woman exactly like Luna 1 to 1 in every way is basically next to impossible; but even if Luna herself did come to life I still don't think I'd be able to handle a relationship with her. There are several reasons to this, but the main reason is I'm a depressed suicidal train-wreck and I absolutely hate myself. No matter how nice and accepting Luna is, nobody wants to or can stand to see the person they love constantly beating themselves up. I also don't really take care of myself or shower/bathe or brush my teeth very often, so the smell alone would already drive Luna or anyone else away. And in general, in practice, a relationship, even with someone as "perfect" as Luna, would still require a lot of commitment and effort I know I wouldn't be ready for. So basically, while I do like the idea of a relationship with Luna or at least someone very similar to her, I only like the IDEA of it. In practice I know it wouldn't work out in the long run, with me being the way I am.
Moving on...age 17, not much different at all. Then age 18, in terms of romantic and sexual feelings I didn't really change, but this is where I started to take on a more non-binary or agender role rather than just strictly male like I was assigned at birth. Not much really changed, but I became more comfortable thinking about and embracing more feminine sides of myself, rather than just being strictly male all the time. I did experiment with shaving/waxing my legs and painting my nails; which both are way too much work to do regularly, especially considering I can't even bring myself to do basic hygiene on most days, but I definitely did enjoy them when I did them, and I would do them again if there ever came a day where I was in a less lazy, less pessimistic mood! Not gonna lie, I did flirt with the idea of just being a trans woman, and I did think that in the case of the Luna fantasy character maybe I wanted to BE her rather than being WITH her; and overall I do face some feelings of genderfluidity...but overall most of the time I feel like either a perfect combination of both male and female, or just genderless/agender/no gender at all, so trans woman definitely doesn't suit me overall. Non-binary or agender was the perfect way to describe it.
Then moving onto age 19...not much changed. Then 20...also not much changed. And that brings us to today, 21, lol. Wow. I can't believe I just wrote all this. It took me way longer than you'd think to write all this; several hours in fact...I just kept writing, zoning out and doing other things, then going back to writing, then going back to zoning out and being distracted by other things...I'm not even sure how much time passed anymore.
But my main point in sharing all this was to show my "shameful" and "abnormal" romantic and sexual experiences. And of course the possibility of me being asexual or demisexual...though a little research showed I may be this relatively new term (to me at least) called "aegosexual." I don't do a lot of research with anything and am not very smart, but from what I saw it seems to mean an asexual person who like almost every other asexual doesn't desire to participate in sex itself and/or is kind of repulsed by it...which I am. But they can still have some sort of sexual fantasy in their mind from time to time, and may masturbate frequently as well...which perfectly applies to me, lol. I get turned on pretty big time by a woman or man in some nice short shorts that show their thighs, or a woman in a nice swimsuit/bikini, or a woman in underwear/lingerie, or the idea of being with the Luna fantasy character I made in my mind, lol. But actual sex, genitalia showing, or nudity? Still a hard no for me.
All in all though, though I talked about this so honestly out here, I am still really ashamed about all of this and would much rather just be a normal person. And by normal I just mean a totally average guy who doesn't really have anything bad about him, but nothing good either. In terms of these romantic and sexual feelings I've been describing; I'd rather be normal in the sense that I'm 100% a manly man who is comfortable identifying as a man and doesn't even think of doing anything remotely feminine, and doesn't identify as non-binary or agender or genderfluid or whatever. I'd also rather be 100% straight rather than bi or pan, because that's what's "normal." When it comes to romance, I'd rather have been a person who had absolutely no history of being attracted to female cartoon characters. Though it's no longer the case now anyway, the fact that I used to be attracted to cartoon and anime characters, even as a younger child and teen...it's just a source of shame I'll always carry with me. Then when it comes to the stuff about sexuality, I'd rather just be a regular porn loving dude who only gets off to the most kinkiest of porn because that's what's "cool" and "normal," and being into more vanilla or tame stuff is "lame." I wish I did find nudity and genitalia sexy like everyone else did. I wish I was interested in having lots of sex with a lot of different girls, and then could go and brag to my friends about it and "just be one of the bros." But while I would want all that normalcy, I know it would probably be disingenuous to my true self, so I don't even bother to try to change.
Ultimately though, I just wanna fucking die and kill myself. And no, it's not JUST because of the romantic and sexual attraction stuff I described here today. What I described here today is just one of the MANY reasons I want to kill myself.
One of the main reasons I've always wanted to kill myself for so many years was that I just had such a fucking hard time relating to other people. Like I was some sort of alien or robot sent from another planet to try to learn to be human, and failing miserably at it. Like an alien who is a completely different species from humans and the human ways just "don't feel natural to me," or a robot who keeps constantly getting "SYSTEM ERROR, SYSTEM ERROR," whenever I try to analyze, relate to, and understand basic human behavior. And this stuff related to my romantic and sexual feelings is definitely PART of it, among-st so many other things. It's basically literally everything, I can't relate to other people on ANYTHING. Just literally NOTHING at all. Add onto the fact that I've always been socially awkward as hell and not at all charismatic, among-st a billion of other issues.
But yeah, um...I think that's all I wanted to share today. I'm 21 years old today with a birthday coming up on July 20...let's all pray I can die naturally or kill myself before turning 22. Living just a couple of months more to turn 22 seems unbearable to me...I definitely don't wanna make it to my 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s, 70s, 80s, 90s...and oh fucking God, please don't say I'll live to be 100+! Talk about a long and painful existence! I'm only 21 and feel so damn ancient already!
I've been kind of wanting to write about this for a while, but didn't know when I should write about this or where I should post it...though predominately I mainly use either this website or Reddit, so it was between just these two anyway. I could've written this on some sub-reddit about asexuality or at least demisexuality, but with me, I have a very pessimistic viewpoint of life and literally EVERYTHING about me inevitably goes back to death, extreme depression and anxiety, and suicide. And it feels like I can't express that part of myself on Reddit or any other mainstream social media without it "breaking the rules" and being eventually taken down by a moderator or administrator. And even when it comes to the few sub-reddits dedicated to depression, suicide discussion/suicide watch, or mental health issues; no one on there seems to pay attention to my posts or notice them because my post just gets lost in new because so many people are posting all the time. So it kind of helps that this website is kind of a smaller community than Reddit.
I'm posting this on off topic because though everything about me eventually goes back to death and suicide/depression, the main focus of this specific post is my "weird" history with romantic and sexual feelings, and me possibly being some form of asexual. Wouldn't feel too fair to post this sort of thing in suicide discussion where many people are posting about their last words before they eventually kill themselves very soon, or discussing methods on how to ultimately kill themselves. It would just feel wrong and out of place. Also I tagged it as NSFW because I do plan to go very in-depth about my romantic and sexual feelings, which can make some people uncomfortable.
I say "weird" in quotes like that because weird is quite subjective, though what I'm about to start describing pertaining to my history with romantic and sexual feelings can indeed be seen as "objectively weird" by the majority of the population. Especially because the average person wouldn't really overanalyze their life behaviors in such detail like this, in such a brutally honest way. Be prepared to read some weird shit up ahead. Sorry in advance if things get too weird. You can think what you want of me, all I ask is that you please do not leave mean comments. I'm already judged and ostracized by everyone as it is, both offline and online. Please don't add fuel to the fire. Thank you.
But anyway, I guess I should start writing about the topic itself. So starting with my earliest childhood memories...6 years old in kindergarten is when I VIVIDLY started to remember more stuff, though I do remember some pretty small snippets from about ages 3-5. Though I highly doubt I remember anything from ages 0-2, lol. But onto the romantic feelings...strangely enough, I don't ever remember NOT having romantic feelings! But it wasn't quite in the way you'd expect. I felt romantic feelings only towards fictional girls. As in literally just cartoon/animated girls. Not real girls. I don't know exactly what it was, but at that young age girls who were my age just seemed to be kind of too immature? When it came to cartoon girls, even if they were supposed to be very young they generally acted way more mature than someone their age generally would. And that's sort of what drew me to them I guess? Honestly as a kid I didn't really like other kids. I was scared of them and didn't fit in with them, and they would notice I was rather shy/awkward/weird and single me out and tease me and call me names. And that was both the girls and the boys. I also didn't really like how noisy, destructive, and messy kids my age tended to be. But cartoon girls seemed a lot nicer and more mature. Besides that though, on a more superficial level I just found cartoon girls cute as fuck. They were kind of perfect in a way. And this was back when I was a very young child, so I literally thought these cartoon girls were real the same way I thought Santa Claus and The Easter Bunny were real. I thought there was a potential I could meet these cartoon girls one day, and we could like...I don't know? Hang out as friends? Maybe give each other hugs? Maybe give each other innocent pecks on the cheeks and on the lips? Just typical innocent romantic stuff. PG rated at best. Nothing sexual or R rated though. That kind of stuff would come later on between ages 11-13.
At this point it's obvious I did like girls, but I haven't told you guys my own sex/gender, which would be AMAB or Assigned Male At Birth for my biological sex, and as a young child I did fully identify as a boy for my gender, but around age 18 or so I would begin to take a more non-binary or agender role. And I'm 21 today if it matters. But for now I was basically just a straight boy interested in romance with cartoon girls.
Continuing the point with the romantic attraction to the cartoon girls though...I feel it's honest/fair to talk about some specific ones I was into. At each young childhood age I was more or less into a different one. For around ages 3-6, mainly picturing age 6 since age 3-5 was extremely vague...I was really into this Brazilian cartoon called Turma Da Monica, and I had a crush on this female character from there named Magali. That cartoon had four main characters: two girls, two boys. The other girl was named Monica, but I liked Magali much more because Monica was always aggressive and beating up the boys, while Magali was a lot more chill and peaceful, and just sort of loved food/watermelons, lol. I also just thought her physical appearance was cuter/softer/more feminine. At around this same age range 3-6, I was also really into the Teletubbies, and this was more of a semi-crush than an actual crush, but I did quite like Laa-Laa from the Teletubbies. I say semi-crush because Laa-Laa was quite obviously not human, and I did recognize this: she was just kind of a big giant yellow plush toy. But she was still relatively humanoid and did have a slightly tanned skin colored face. And she was kind of cute in her own way. Though it was not a real crush like with the actual human girl Magali, and it was mostly because I was just so obsessed with the Teletubbies that I quite literally FORCED myself to have a semi-crush on Laa-Laa, the most obviously feminine Teletubby, just so I could say I had a crush from my favorite show at the time, lol. Moving onto age 7 though...I was really into this girl named Zoe Drake from this anime called Dinosaur King. At age 7 I was completely obsessed with dinosaurs, so I loved that Zoe loved dinosaurs as well; and she also loved the color green which I thought was a great color, and eventually ended up becoming my own favorite color soon after! Her design was also just cute as fuck: just a cute slim anime girl with pinkish orange hair that she styles in cute, bushy pigtails. Moving onto age 8...I really liked Wendy Testaburger from South Park. Yes, my parents did let me watch the R rated South Park at 8 years old, lol. They just didn't care. They also had let me watch Family Guy and a bunch of terrifying horror movies. But for Wendy, I just liked how she seemed smart and genuine, and I thought her design was cute, albeit very simple. There was one episode where she seemed to have anger issues and was screaming a lot, and she literally murdered a substitute teacher, which kind of scared me...but that's what I get for watching South Park at 8 years old I guess, lol. But for Wendy it was literally just a one time thing in the VERY FIRST season of a currently 25 season show that's been going on since 1997, back when they were still figuring out her character, and she's developed a lot since...so I guess she gets a pass, lol. Then moving onto age 9...I really liked Blossom from the PowerPuff Girls. Just like Wendy her design was very simple, but also very adorable to me. Blossom was also shown time and time again to be "the smart one" of the PowerPuff Girls and an excellent leader...which I greatly admired. She also kind of seemed to be the strongest overall PowerPuff Girl, or to at least have the best strategy, so that was a plus. And lastly, moving onto age 10. I really liked Misty from Pokemon. Similar to Zoe from earlier, Misty was just a really cute slim anime girl, with orange hair tied in a side ponytail. She was tomboyish but also sensitive and sweet, and a really powerful Water type Pokemon trainer. Once age 11 came though...I kind of realized on my own that all these cartoon girls I had been obsessing over all this time weren't real, and that they were just hand-drawn or digitally drawn and colored in, and that voice actors did their voices. I also realized that Santa Claus and The Easter Bunny weren't real either. I basically realized that none of the fun fictional characters I had hoped to meet one day were even real. So I got over having genuine crushes on them and treating them as if they were real people.
At age 10 I did gradually start to realize how oversexualized culture was in general though...I quite vividly remember at age 10 I was watching a YouTube video about Misty from Pokemon, and one of the most popular comments was something like, "Wow! Misty sure grew boobs! So hot!" And I was just like: "What the fuck are boobs? Why do you even care about that?! Why not just look at her face?!" And I just tried to avoid anything sexual like the plague because it was weird and didn't make sense to me...
At age 11 though...it became a slightly different story. I began to come across this genre of anime called "ecchi harem anime." Basically anime that is sexy without being straight up porn or hentai. Usually no nudity either most of the time, and when there is nudity it's usually censored in some way. These sort of anime do tend to have some sort of story or plot, and unique/memorable characters, though they usually aren't the best written. Still though...I ate that shit up. I enjoyed the general story and romance of these shows, and I did enjoy the personality of these characters, while also getting to enjoy big anime titties in skimpy clothes like a low cut shirt, bra, or bikini top; or panty shots in a very short mini skirt! It wasn't quite a sexual thing for me yet (at least not 100% sexual yet), but I was starting to be intrigued by this sexuality stuff, and I did think that the big anime titties and panty shots looked visually appealing, though not necessarily arousing yet. However I was still really disgusted by anything involving actual nudity, or actual sex/porn/hentai. I only liked to see the anime girls half naked! No more explicit than that!
If it matters what specific ecchi harem anime type shows I watched, then it was stuff like: School Days, Sora No Otoshimono, Kore Wa Zombie Desu Ka, Hoshizora E Kakaru Hashi, Date A Live, NouCome, Dokuro Chan, Kiss X Sis, Rosario Vampire, etc. I think that's all the ones I watched over time, though I could be missing one or two of course, haha. Most of these shows were pretty generic and more or less bled into each other anyway. I feel I should be even more specific though. Though the ecchi harem anime satisfied my romantic and newly developing sexual urges the best, a lot of anime in general, including those not even in the genre, did have some "fan service" or oversexualized characters. Namely a lot of battle shounens. Like Nami from One Piece, Lucy from Fairy Tail, or Bulma from Dragon Ball. I was also intrigued by these characters, though they were not the main focus of their stories like in ecchi harems.
One day though, when I was around 12/13, so most likely 12 and a half, I noticed my penis would get hard when watching all this sexy anime stuff. I didn't know what to make of it, and I was even a bit scared/confused, but...I noticed it was a pattern. One day I started lightly stroking my penis whenever it would happen. It felt kind of good. So I started to do it more. I started to do it more regularly over a couple of days. One day I stroked my penis slightly longer and harder compared to the other days, and I felt this weird sensation in my penis, as if my penis was becoming alive or taking a mind of its own or something, and then suddenly white gooey stuff began to gradually shoot out from my penis. Of course this was cum/semen, but I didn't really know what it was at the time. Regardless, I liked it, and I would start to masturbate regularly from this point on. There would be times ahead where I would even do it several times in just one day, or where I would become addicted to it. Being addicted to it would be a problem, where I would do it just to get an easy shot of immediate pleasure/dopamine, regardless of how much it physically started to hurt and sting my penis. Not too healthy. But regardless, I was still glad I discovered this new thing about myself in the end. By this time, unlike at age 11, it had indeed evolved into something sexual. My dick was literally getting hard and I was masturbating, so by this point I had not only romantic feelings, but sexual feelings as well.
Something else also happened though...around this same time I discovered masturbation at around 12 and a half, I soon began to notice actual real girls my age soon after. Before this point I used to think real girls my age were just really immature, noisy, and mean. But I was 12 and a half now...I wasn't 3-6 years old anymore. I had grown up a lot compared to before, and so had the girls around me. The girls my age weren't as immature, noisy, or mean anymore. They were actually rather nice and polite now. They did nothing to bother me or make fun of me anymore. And for the first time...I thought they were uh...kind of sexy. I looked around at them, and noticed that most of them, if not nearly ALL of them had quite noticeable breasts now. Just like in the ecchi harem anime I was watching...but this was better, because these were real boobs, and more proportional to their bodies than the unnaturally huge anime boobs. I also had kind of developed a thing for bra straps showing or the outline of the cups of the bra showing. It reminded me the girl was human and wore underwear (bras) like everyone else. The only disappointing thing was the real girls didn't wear short mini skirts to show off their legs and panties, but they did wear rather tight jeans/trousers that emphasized the shape of their ass and thighs...better than nothing, lol.
However, something else was also going on. While I did definitely feel sexual attraction to an extent, and I definitely did get hard and masturbate...I wasn't turned on by nudity or porn, still. I was only attracted to girls in bikini or in their underwear. Any more than that and I was completely turned off sexually. I found the genitalia/vagina very weird looking and not sexy. I'd rather a woman cover it up with a panty or bikini bottom. Same goes for the butthole. As for the boobs...well they don't look too bad I guess, but I still think they look much better with the support of a bra or bikini top. Then for porn...I just found it completely gross/repulsive, to be honest. Especially when the guy in porn would start to shoot his cum all over the place, all over the woman, etc. Also, while I did find girls my age physically attractive and sexy now, I didn't want to have sex with them. Sex just seemed like such a gross and messy activity. And I was completely against casual hook up culture too. And I was a super shy introvert with social anxiety, so the idea of partaking in that sort of thing just had zero appeal to me, and seemed to go against my entire personality and everything I believed in. But apparently, I was the abnormal one. Everyone at school was talking about sex literally all the time. How they were a huge fan of nudity, how they watched all sorts of kinky porn. And a lot of them were expressing that they either wanted to have sex really bad, or even that they already HAD sex or WERE having sex currently. And I...just couldn't relate to any of it. Nudity was gross to me. Porn was gross to me. The idea of having sex with someone was gross to me. What the fuck was wrong with me? Literally everyone else was into this stuff. Why couldn't I be as well? Why couldn't I just join the party with literally everyone else?
Then came age 14, and I began to notice more new things about my sexuality. I had now developed a thing for silky smooth sexy bare legs...while the girls my age didn't wear Japanese schoolgirl mini skirts, they did wear SHORT SHORTS. Which was just as good, if not even better. Short shorts showed just as much bare leg as a mini skirt, whilst also being practical for everyday life and exercise, and they looked simple and not excessively girly like a skirt, and were a bit more gender-neutral. Another thing I began to notice though...my attraction to bare legs was not limited to just girls. I liked boy's bare legs too! Unfortunately boy's shorts weren't really "short shorts" as they tended to be knee-length or slightly below the knee, but I still got a glimpse of their thighs when they sat down and their shorts rode up a bit, or when they were exercising in different positions and their shorts also rode up then. This is when I realized I was bisexual or pansexual. While I definitely did prefer girls, and feminine girls at that too, I still could see at least some sexiness in boys as well. And when it came to the legs/thighs specifically, there wasn't that much difference between the girls and the boys except for the amount of leg hair, but a lot of boys didn't have that much leg hair either.
From age 14 forward things seemed to sort of stagnate a bit in terms of romantic and sexual feelings...at age 15 things didn't seem much different at all. At age 16 though...there was this really cute girl named Cecilia in my AP Psychology class, and I became literally completely OBSESSED with her for about a year. Physically I liked her a lot. She was a White girl with light brown skin...she did seem to go out in the sun a lot, but she did seem to be naturally slightly tanned as well. She had uh sort of medium to light brown hair, mid-back length. She wore short shorts a lot in the middle of class and I admired her confidence. I checked out her Instagram and Facebook and she had tons of bikini pics, so I admired her confidence there as well. She was about average height, not that tall, not that short either, but probably closer to slightly taller than average if anything. Personality wise...I barely knew her and the traits I came up in my mind for her were based on shallow observations of how she interacted with others, but she still did seem generally friendly and outgoing and a little bit funny/goofy as well. She also seemed relatively intelligent and seemed eager to learn about AP Psychology and would often answer the teacher's questions. The way I've been describing Cecilia she might seem like a dream come true, but my obsession with her was completely unhealthy and lasted for way too long. The worst part though was that I had barely talked to her the whole school year and then at the END sent her a friend request on Instagram and Facebook...she didn't outright deny them, but she didn't accept either. She just let the friend request sit there forever. And one day, I was feeling super nervous and super tired as well and forgot to say thank you to her as she held the door for me, and she cursed me out SUPER LOUD in the school hallway for EVERYONE to hear. That pretty much confirmed she had zero interest in me and wanted nothing to do with me.
When it came to Cecilia though, I think I liked more the IDEA of being with her rather than ACTUALLY being with her. If we had actually gotten together as a couple I have no idea what we'd do. Cuddle, hug, and kiss? Seems fun enough. Would I have wanna have had sex with her though? Ew no, sex is still gross and doesn't interest me at all. Maybe it's best we didn't even end up together, lol.
Another important thing from age 16 pertaining to Cecilia though...I had enjoyed writing stories and making up my own characters...and though I had made up several characters, the two main characters were basically Recon, who was basically my self-insert with some traits modified...and Luna, who was originally based off of Cecilia but I gradually changed her more and more to become her own unique person/character rather than just literally being Cecilia. Luna was 5'11, a half Black half White woman, medium brown colored skin, dark brown colored straight hair that's very long and reaches just past her butt that she usually keeps in a really long ponytail, a curvaceous figure with big boobs and a big butt, relatively small waist, overall pretty muscular figure as well, flat toned stomach with abs, toned long legs in proportion to her body, etc. If I had to compare her to someone it'd be Korra from Legend of Korra, though I still envision her as way different. As for her personality...Luna was very sweet and strong, very touchy feely, she hated wearing pants and wore short shorts all the time, or a short skirt or short dress that goes well above her knees. Luna was also extremely open-minded and willing to accept Recon exactly for who he is, and willing to help him express himself better.
Since age 16 and the end of AP Psychology I have since completely gotten over Cecilia, but Luna still remains to this day at age 21 for me. Not in a bad way though. The idea of Luna is just really comforting to me. I imagine me and Luna would definitely hug, cuddle, kiss, and nuzzle cheeks with each other so I can feel her soft cheeks on my face. Would me and Luna have sex though...I don't know. Me imagining having sex with her feels rather unnatural, and like I'm forcing something because I'm "supposed" to rather than because I actually WANT to. But if sex with Luna made her happy I could MAYBE handle it as long as she wasn't into any of that super painful BDSM type stuff, or anything gross like a pee or poop fetish.
I realize finding a woman exactly like Luna 1 to 1 in every way is basically next to impossible; but even if Luna herself did come to life I still don't think I'd be able to handle a relationship with her. There are several reasons to this, but the main reason is I'm a depressed suicidal train-wreck and I absolutely hate myself. No matter how nice and accepting Luna is, nobody wants to or can stand to see the person they love constantly beating themselves up. I also don't really take care of myself or shower/bathe or brush my teeth very often, so the smell alone would already drive Luna or anyone else away. And in general, in practice, a relationship, even with someone as "perfect" as Luna, would still require a lot of commitment and effort I know I wouldn't be ready for. So basically, while I do like the idea of a relationship with Luna or at least someone very similar to her, I only like the IDEA of it. In practice I know it wouldn't work out in the long run, with me being the way I am.
Moving on...age 17, not much different at all. Then age 18, in terms of romantic and sexual feelings I didn't really change, but this is where I started to take on a more non-binary or agender role rather than just strictly male like I was assigned at birth. Not much really changed, but I became more comfortable thinking about and embracing more feminine sides of myself, rather than just being strictly male all the time. I did experiment with shaving/waxing my legs and painting my nails; which both are way too much work to do regularly, especially considering I can't even bring myself to do basic hygiene on most days, but I definitely did enjoy them when I did them, and I would do them again if there ever came a day where I was in a less lazy, less pessimistic mood! Not gonna lie, I did flirt with the idea of just being a trans woman, and I did think that in the case of the Luna fantasy character maybe I wanted to BE her rather than being WITH her; and overall I do face some feelings of genderfluidity...but overall most of the time I feel like either a perfect combination of both male and female, or just genderless/agender/no gender at all, so trans woman definitely doesn't suit me overall. Non-binary or agender was the perfect way to describe it.
Then moving onto age 19...not much changed. Then 20...also not much changed. And that brings us to today, 21, lol. Wow. I can't believe I just wrote all this. It took me way longer than you'd think to write all this; several hours in fact...I just kept writing, zoning out and doing other things, then going back to writing, then going back to zoning out and being distracted by other things...I'm not even sure how much time passed anymore.
But my main point in sharing all this was to show my "shameful" and "abnormal" romantic and sexual experiences. And of course the possibility of me being asexual or demisexual...though a little research showed I may be this relatively new term (to me at least) called "aegosexual." I don't do a lot of research with anything and am not very smart, but from what I saw it seems to mean an asexual person who like almost every other asexual doesn't desire to participate in sex itself and/or is kind of repulsed by it...which I am. But they can still have some sort of sexual fantasy in their mind from time to time, and may masturbate frequently as well...which perfectly applies to me, lol. I get turned on pretty big time by a woman or man in some nice short shorts that show their thighs, or a woman in a nice swimsuit/bikini, or a woman in underwear/lingerie, or the idea of being with the Luna fantasy character I made in my mind, lol. But actual sex, genitalia showing, or nudity? Still a hard no for me.
All in all though, though I talked about this so honestly out here, I am still really ashamed about all of this and would much rather just be a normal person. And by normal I just mean a totally average guy who doesn't really have anything bad about him, but nothing good either. In terms of these romantic and sexual feelings I've been describing; I'd rather be normal in the sense that I'm 100% a manly man who is comfortable identifying as a man and doesn't even think of doing anything remotely feminine, and doesn't identify as non-binary or agender or genderfluid or whatever. I'd also rather be 100% straight rather than bi or pan, because that's what's "normal." When it comes to romance, I'd rather have been a person who had absolutely no history of being attracted to female cartoon characters. Though it's no longer the case now anyway, the fact that I used to be attracted to cartoon and anime characters, even as a younger child and teen...it's just a source of shame I'll always carry with me. Then when it comes to the stuff about sexuality, I'd rather just be a regular porn loving dude who only gets off to the most kinkiest of porn because that's what's "cool" and "normal," and being into more vanilla or tame stuff is "lame." I wish I did find nudity and genitalia sexy like everyone else did. I wish I was interested in having lots of sex with a lot of different girls, and then could go and brag to my friends about it and "just be one of the bros." But while I would want all that normalcy, I know it would probably be disingenuous to my true self, so I don't even bother to try to change.
Ultimately though, I just wanna fucking die and kill myself. And no, it's not JUST because of the romantic and sexual attraction stuff I described here today. What I described here today is just one of the MANY reasons I want to kill myself.
One of the main reasons I've always wanted to kill myself for so many years was that I just had such a fucking hard time relating to other people. Like I was some sort of alien or robot sent from another planet to try to learn to be human, and failing miserably at it. Like an alien who is a completely different species from humans and the human ways just "don't feel natural to me," or a robot who keeps constantly getting "SYSTEM ERROR, SYSTEM ERROR," whenever I try to analyze, relate to, and understand basic human behavior. And this stuff related to my romantic and sexual feelings is definitely PART of it, among-st so many other things. It's basically literally everything, I can't relate to other people on ANYTHING. Just literally NOTHING at all. Add onto the fact that I've always been socially awkward as hell and not at all charismatic, among-st a billion of other issues.
But yeah, um...I think that's all I wanted to share today. I'm 21 years old today with a birthday coming up on July 20...let's all pray I can die naturally or kill myself before turning 22. Living just a couple of months more to turn 22 seems unbearable to me...I definitely don't wanna make it to my 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s, 70s, 80s, 90s...and oh fucking God, please don't say I'll live to be 100+! Talk about a long and painful existence! I'm only 21 and feel so damn ancient already!
