Help My trauma is making me develop multiple personalities. Help.

[amor.dor]

I need to tell the truth about what's destroying me.I spent a long time thinking about whether to write this here, but I can't keep it to myself anymore. I live through a process that breaks me inside every day. My ex, the person I loved the most, took his own life, and I had to witness it all over a phone call, unable to do anything because I wasn't in the same city.

At first, I didn't feel the weight. After months, I was constantly crying. Then I accepted it, and when I was already giving up on living and had accepted death, I was convinced to try living again—but that made all my traumas and anguish come back, each time stronger and stronger.

Since then, my mind has collapsed. Sometimes I forget who I am. I start acting like him, talking like him... I catch myself using male pronouns in conversations because, deep down, I wanted to be him. I wanted to be in his place. I embody his ways so he doesn't disappear, to feel he still exists through me. My mind cannot accept that he died.

Night after night, I dream he's alive, only to wake up and remember that screen, that moment, the reality that he's gone. I no longer know where I end and he begins. I've noticed that sometimes I end up changing my personality trying to resemble him, so I lock myself at home and try to isolate, I don't check messages on my phone.

Can anyone understand this level of confusion, or have I already completely lost myself in this trauma?

In a few days I'll finally see a psychiatrist and psychologist, but I don't know how to explain this, and I feel more broken each day. Can anyone help me?

 

[orpheus_]

That's absolutely awful to experience, god I can't imagine it even. In general human brains can do weird things because of trauma. I don't know if you know much about dissociative disorders, but if not it might be worth looking into. Dissociative identity disorder (aka when someone has "multiple personalities") develops because of severe trauma in childhood, and similar mechanisms can appear later in life too though it's less talked about. It's good that you're seeing someone about this though. There are ways to treat trauma, and they can be effective. I hope you will be able to get help, remember that even if the professionals who talk to you first will not get it (although most psychiatrist and psychologists SHOULD know how to handle it), just know that this is a known phenomenon in psychology and there are people who will know how to help, search specifically for people who specialize in trauma and dissociative disorders. Still I hope you will be able to feel better sooner, sending hugs

 

[sweetdrowning]

Yes, I can completely understand this. I lost my sister and found myself acting more and more like her, sometimes believing that she is a part of me now, along with other parts of my brain fractured caused by trauma. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. It is a struggle to just get through every day with so many parts inside pulling in different directions.