Sometimes I wonder why my brain operates the way it does. Here is what happened this afternoon:
I know its not for all, but lately therapy is a decent place for me. I have an amazing therapist that listens to me and does his best to help. It's a place where I can be honest about my suicidal thoughts. I've never stated an exact method so I don't get sent to the psych ward, but other then that I'm pretty honest about my thoughts or feelings. Then today happens. For some reason today my brain tells me to act like I'm going to stop considering suicide as an option. I was even saying shit like " I've come to realize that if I was going to kill myself I would have by now." So I then to proceed on about how I should spend less time focusing on dying and more time on looking at the good things. Like WTH????? Where did that come from??? It's not like the whole time I wasn't wishing that my therapist would call bullshit on me, because part of me wishes he had. Also, at the same time that I am saying this nonsense to him, part of my brain was trying to convince myself to come clean to him- that I have been researching methods- that I have decided that SN is the way to go. But I couldn't admit that. I still want to CTB. I don't even think about the future anymore because I want to be gone. Heck I posted on the partner thread looking for a partner. I know I don't belong in this world, never have never will. Just don't know why my mouth decided to spill out nonsense this afternoon. Anyone have any ideas
I know its not for all, but lately therapy is a decent place for me. I have an amazing therapist that listens to me and does his best to help. It's a place where I can be honest about my suicidal thoughts. I've never stated an exact method so I don't get sent to the psych ward, but other then that I'm pretty honest about my thoughts or feelings. Then today happens. For some reason today my brain tells me to act like I'm going to stop considering suicide as an option. I was even saying shit like " I've come to realize that if I was going to kill myself I would have by now." So I then to proceed on about how I should spend less time focusing on dying and more time on looking at the good things. Like WTH????? Where did that come from??? It's not like the whole time I wasn't wishing that my therapist would call bullshit on me, because part of me wishes he had. Also, at the same time that I am saying this nonsense to him, part of my brain was trying to convince myself to come clean to him- that I have been researching methods- that I have decided that SN is the way to go. But I couldn't admit that. I still want to CTB. I don't even think about the future anymore because I want to be gone. Heck I posted on the partner thread looking for a partner. I know I don't belong in this world, never have never will. Just don't know why my mouth decided to spill out nonsense this afternoon. Anyone have any ideas
