My Story

[IntelligentLeg]

My spouse is abusive. It's daily. He will sexually harass me and if I tell him to stop he will tell me that I have someone else. He always tells me "Go back to so and so, you're probably fking him anyways" "I own you"
Then of course, verbal abuse. "Good for nothing" "The world is better off without you" "You're a whore" "Go hang yourself again"
The physical abuse has toned down for now. I have bloody nose, black eyes, kicked in the head until unconscious abuse from him. He was physically abusive about 6 weeks ago, shoved me into a nightstand and wall.
He's forced me to be a SAHM. I'm not allowed to want a break from being a mom. He will be abusive if I say anything.
It sucks.
I've been planning on CTB since October. Dealing with all of this daily is really rough.
My mental health is horrible bc of what I deal with.
All the years of struggling mentally, also with finances, homelessness, going from place to place, no education, I'm not smart either.
My mental health is so bad that I can't have a normal conversation with my spouse. I forget simple words, I stutter. He will call me stupid or just say something abusive anyways. "I don't want to understand you"
"It's not my fault that you did that" "It's not my fault that happend"
I told him yesterday that he gaslights me and he said "WTF is that? That sounds retarded." Then proceeded to joke "My car gas light isn't on"
I know what I'm typing is A LOT.
I've been depressed for 20 years. He's not the reason why I am depressed but he's the reason why I'm going to CTB very soon.

Not looking for or needing advice. I've been in and out of DV centers. Just needed to tell my story.

 

[Rairii]

Gosh what a scumbag of a person (your husband). I'm terribly sorry you're in that position and you in no way deserve that. I've been in an abusive relationship myself where I was dependent on the man so I can emphasize to some extent but obviously not fully, from where you're coming from.

I wish you weren't there and I wish things would get better. I know sometimes leaving isnt really possible or realistic, so i never liked people giving the whole "jUST leAVE" statements. So hopefully none of my words have come accross that way because I dont mean it as such. Just sucks that shit people have to abuse others like that. glad you were able to share your story at least.

 

[Lost in a Dream]

I'm sorry you got stuck living with an asshole like him. No one should have to be put through that kind of hell by another person, especially when you haven't done anything to deserve that kind of treatment (but he definitely has).

Not sure if this helps at all, but the fact that he doesn't know what "gaslighting" means tells me he's a few IQ points lower than he thinks he is. Odds are good that you're more intelligent than him, so at least give yourself credit for that.

 

[IntelligentLeg]

Gosh what a scumbag of a person (your husband). I'm terribly sorry you're in that position and you in no way deserve that. I've been in an abusive relationship myself where I was dependent on the man so I can emphasize to some extent but obviously not fully, from where you're coming from.

I wish you weren't there and I wish things would get better. I know sometimes leaving isnt really possible or realistic, so i never liked people giving the whole "jUST leAVE" statements. So hopefully none of my words have come accross that way because I dont mean it as such. Just sucks that shit people have to abuse others like that. glad you were able to share your story

I don't even think about wishing I was somewhere else and don't think to want things to be better. That kind of stuff doesn't cross my mind anymore. I'm passed the point of no return. I'm ready to go. When I think about CTB I get excited and it makes me feel happy knowing I will be set free from this life. I will cease to exist. I want that freedom.
Yeah DV relationships suck balls. Thanks for replying to my story.

I'm sorry you got stuck living with an asshole like him. No one should have to be put through that kind of hell by another person, especially when you haven't done anything to deserve that kind of treatment (but he definitely has).

Not sure if this helps at all, but the fact that he doesn't know what "gaslighting" means tells me he's a few IQ points lower than he thinks he is. Odds are good that you're more intelligent than him, so at least give yourself credit for that.

Such is life, right? My dude is probably smarter. He tells me that I can't figure out problems on my own.

 

[Thalassa]

"I'm not allowed to want a break from being a mom"

I'm very sorry about your situation, but can I ask you how old your kids are?

And catching the bus isn't the only way out of a DV situation. Have you spoken to a social worker? Have you heard of TANF (Temporary Assistance for Needy Families) which you should be able to get if you left your husband? Or SNAP (food stamps)? There's also food banks and "welfare to work" programs (among other things).

You said you've been to DV shelters. Did they hook you up with a social worker? I'm not an expert in any of this stuff, but I know programs exist to help people in your situation. If nothing else, please get In touch with these people and ask them about programs that exist that can help you - both at the national and local level:

National Domestic Violence Hotline

24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year, the National Domestic Violence Hotline provides essential tools and support to help survivors of domestic violence so they can live their lives free of abuse.

www.thehotline.org

Sorry for being a "do gooder" but I will feel guilty if I don't respond to this thread since apparently kids are involved.

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds really horrific what you have to experience, it's such a cruel world where all of this endless suffering and torment continues to exist and I understand why you would be looking forward to leaving this world. At least to me there is nothing more ideal than permanent non existence, it's all that I've ever really wished for.

 

[mineko]

My heart really goes out to you. I'm in a domestic violence situation myself and it breaks my heart to hear what you're going through. You really don't deserve this.

 

[IntelligentLeg]

My heart really goes out to you. I'm in a domestic violence situation myself and it breaks my heart to hear what you're going through. You really don't deserve this.

The DV has been going on for so long, that I've lost all social skills. I have trouble getting words out. I forget a lot or I've been gaslighted so much into thinking that I said or did or didn't say or did something when I either did or didn't.
I really hope that your situation isn't that bad. It just makes our depression worse you know.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

What I horrible situation. I feel for you. No one deserves that. All us guys are not like that.

One question I would ask, and I understand completely why you're contemplating ctb and feel the need to urgently get out, but one question I would ask is how your children will be once your gone? Are they abused, too, buy your husband, their father? Will they be abused, physically or emotionally, if you go?

 

[IntelligentLeg]

What I horrible situation. I feel for you. No one deserves that. All us guys are not like that.

One question I would ask, and I understand completely why you're contemplating ctb and feel the need to urgently get out, but one question I would ask is how your children will be once your gone? Are they abused, too, buy your husband, their father? Will they be abused, physically or emotionally, if you go?

My kid is fine thanks. He doesn't hurt his other kids with his ex wife nor our kid. That's never been an issue. He's never done anything stupid in front of our kid either. I wouldn't have mentioned the fact that I have a kid if I knew so many people would be up my ass about it. Too late to delete now.

 

[DeadManLiving]

It sounds like you've been the veteran victim of hardcore narcissistic abuse.

I know what it's like because I grew up with a few. I know you probably don't have the energy to carry on, nor do I. I respect your decision to CTB, and I know exactly what you mean by being excited and happy just the moments before.

It's a sense of bittersweet relief. I've been struggling for 4 years fighting to hold on against my survival instincts. The last two years have been spent on coming to terms with accepting my fate and making peace with my end. The last few months have been that honeymoon bittersweet relief phase, where the pure anguish to resolves to an indescribable peace knowing that it'll be over soon.

However, it would be unfruitful with the unfinished business letting the scumbag who ruined your life let slip. I know you're low on energy, and the last thing on your mind is having the energy to conjure up revenge. But it's important that Justice be done before you go and give this scumbag an "everlasting" taste of his own medicine.

Certainly don't let your suicide be in vain. If you must go, implicate the him in some way.

I don't know the exact specific details and circumstances of your situation, but if you could provide some more background and insight?

I've brought narcissists to their knees after being within their grips for so long, and could offer you some very interesting and particular techniques.

 

[IntelligentLeg]

It sounds like you've been the veteran victim of hardcore narcissistic abuse.

I know what it's like because I grew up with a few. I know you probably don't have the energy to carry on, nor do I. I respect your decision to CTB, and I know exactly what you mean by being excited and happy just the moments before.

It's a sense of bittersweet relief. I've been struggling for 4 years fighting to hold on against my survival instincts. The last two years have been spent on coming to terms with accepting my fate and making peace with my end. The last few months have been that honeymoon bittersweet relief phase, where the pure anguish to resolves to an indescribable peace knowing that it'll be over soon.

However, it would be unfruitful with the unfinished business letting the scumbag who ruined your life let slip. I know you're low on energy, and the last thing on your mind is having the energy to conjure up revenge. But it's important that Justice be done before you go and give this scumbag an "everlasting" taste of his own medicine.

Certainly don't let your suicide be in vain. If you must go, implicate the him in some way.

I don't know the exact specific details and circumstances of your situation, but if you could provide some more background and insight?

I've brought narcissists to their knees after being within their grips for so long, and could offer you some very interesting and particular techniques.

Revenge? Im already in the process of CTB in a few hours with my SN. I was able to ask to be alone for my birthday, which is today. I wouldnt be able to do this any other day. He was verbally abusive about me being alone but somehow respected it. It's the only thing I asked for. It's too late.

 

[dopaminedeath]

Happy birthday <3

 

[IntelligentLeg]

Happy birthday <3

Thanks

 

[Andry387]

My spouse is abusive. It's daily. He will sexually harass me and if I tell him to stop he will tell me that I have someone else. He always tells me "Go back to so and so, you're probably fking him anyways" "I own you"
Then of course, verbal abuse. "Good for nothing" "The world is better off without you" "You're a whore" "Go hang yourself again"
The physical abuse has toned down for now. I have bloody nose, black eyes, kicked in the head until unconscious abuse from him. He was physically abusive about 6 weeks ago, shoved me into a nightstand and wall.
He's forced me to be a SAHM. I'm not allowed to want a break from being a mom. He will be abusive if I say anything.
It sucks.
I've been planning on CTB since October. Dealing with all of this daily is really rough.
My mental health is horrible bc of what I deal with.
All the years of struggling mentally, also with finances, homelessness, going from place to place, no education, I'm not smart either.
My mental health is so bad that I can't have a normal conversation with my spouse. I forget simple words, I stutter. He will call me stupid or just say something abusive anyways. "I don't want to understand you"
"It's not my fault that you did that" "It's not my fault that happend"
I told him yesterday that he gaslights me and he said "WTF is that? That sounds retarded." Then proceeded to joke "My car gas light isn't on"
I know what I'm typing is A LOT.
I've been depressed for 20 years. He's not the reason why I am depressed but he's the reason why I'm going to CTB very soon.

Not looking for or needing advice. I've been in and out of DV centers. Just needed to tell my story.

can 't you divorce your husband ?

 

[locked*n*loaded]

My kid is fine thanks. He doesn't hurt his other kids with his ex wife nor our kid. That's never been an issue. He's never done anything stupid in front of our kid either. I wouldn't have mentioned the fact that I have a kid if I knew so many people would be up my ass about it. Too late to delete now.

I don't feel I was "up your ass" about it. I was merely posing a question to gain more facts about your situation. I think it was a completely fair follow-up question based on the information you provided. I'm glad to hear your child will be OK, at least in the abuse regard, should you leave.

 

[OldDude]

I'm angry on this asshole that brought you to this point. I knew there's not always an option and a way out.

The world sucks