Mira Gaga
I'm not okay, but it's okay.
- Oct 16, 2025
- 59
Trigger warning: sexual abuse, trauma dumping, please don't read if you might get triggered. I just wanted to write it down somewhere, so maybe when I'm gone, someone will know my story.
I'm Mira, 18 F from Cali, USA. I just turned 18. I have been sexually and physically abused and exploited since I was three or four. I have severe borderline personality disorder comorbid homicidal OCD. I hate myself so much. My mother is bi and my father is straight. They were both sexually abused growing up as well. I've learned to just numb myself out, lock myself out of my body so I don't feel the pain anymore, but I can't always do that. Most of my extended family has slept with/molested me in some way. Sometimes they say something that really hurts and I just can't take it and I cry and they laugh. I am also a triathlete and had very good grades until sophomore year, when I had a depressive period and burned out. Last year, I dated this awesome senior in HS who was our star QB for the football team. He was so nice and sweet and kind, until he invited me to a house party with his friends. I got pretty drunk and I passed out. I woke up to them taking my clothes off and I was hogtied. They videotaped the whole 5 hours. They're probably out of juvie already, and probably just doing community service, but that doesn't matter. My family and my other friends all expect me to be a functional human on the outside. When I was little, I thought it was normal, to come home and play the "take your clothes off and pretend to be animals" game with my uncle. It was fun and games until it started hurting. I just want to stop remembering. I want everything to stop. I want to die a disgusting, gory death so no one ever looks at me like that again. Every night, I close my eyes and I see them all again. I feel hands on me so I try to cut away all the filth they put on me. I've been hospitalized before, the doctors didn't realize it was self harm so luckily I didn't get admitted to the psyche ward. I've attempted more times than I care to count, my most memorable ones were Sprite-antifreeze (excruciating kidney failure), carbon monoxide (it was messy and I didn't realize hybrid fuel cars didn't produce that much CO), drowning by jumping into a swamp (actually, this one almost worked, it was one of the most successful, if you can take being slowly asphyxiated by mud and sludge), jumping off a school building (didn't weigh enough to do any actual damage and building was too low), shooting (didn't realize the hammer was damaged and gun jammed, got scared and tossed it into a random trash can), and self immolation (too painful, ran around screaming and got caught), and a few hangings sprinkled in. Hanging never really worked for me, either I chose the wrong method or I tied it to an unstable object. Sorry if I just trauma dumped or triggered anyone, but I just had to say it. I've never really told anyone the full version before, but yeah, that's the autobiography of a royal fuckup. Thanks for reading my shit, and please try to have a good day/night.
~Mira
I'm Mira, 18 F from Cali, USA. I just turned 18. I have been sexually and physically abused and exploited since I was three or four. I have severe borderline personality disorder comorbid homicidal OCD. I hate myself so much. My mother is bi and my father is straight. They were both sexually abused growing up as well. I've learned to just numb myself out, lock myself out of my body so I don't feel the pain anymore, but I can't always do that. Most of my extended family has slept with/molested me in some way. Sometimes they say something that really hurts and I just can't take it and I cry and they laugh. I am also a triathlete and had very good grades until sophomore year, when I had a depressive period and burned out. Last year, I dated this awesome senior in HS who was our star QB for the football team. He was so nice and sweet and kind, until he invited me to a house party with his friends. I got pretty drunk and I passed out. I woke up to them taking my clothes off and I was hogtied. They videotaped the whole 5 hours. They're probably out of juvie already, and probably just doing community service, but that doesn't matter. My family and my other friends all expect me to be a functional human on the outside. When I was little, I thought it was normal, to come home and play the "take your clothes off and pretend to be animals" game with my uncle. It was fun and games until it started hurting. I just want to stop remembering. I want everything to stop. I want to die a disgusting, gory death so no one ever looks at me like that again. Every night, I close my eyes and I see them all again. I feel hands on me so I try to cut away all the filth they put on me. I've been hospitalized before, the doctors didn't realize it was self harm so luckily I didn't get admitted to the psyche ward. I've attempted more times than I care to count, my most memorable ones were Sprite-antifreeze (excruciating kidney failure), carbon monoxide (it was messy and I didn't realize hybrid fuel cars didn't produce that much CO), drowning by jumping into a swamp (actually, this one almost worked, it was one of the most successful, if you can take being slowly asphyxiated by mud and sludge), jumping off a school building (didn't weigh enough to do any actual damage and building was too low), shooting (didn't realize the hammer was damaged and gun jammed, got scared and tossed it into a random trash can), and self immolation (too painful, ran around screaming and got caught), and a few hangings sprinkled in. Hanging never really worked for me, either I chose the wrong method or I tied it to an unstable object. Sorry if I just trauma dumped or triggered anyone, but I just had to say it. I've never really told anyone the full version before, but yeah, that's the autobiography of a royal fuckup. Thanks for reading my shit, and please try to have a good day/night.
~Mira
