I want to begin by saying that I believe I was abused as a child. During my childhood and adolescence, I felt a deep sense of disgust toward a distant cousin. I didn't understand why, but I felt repulsion toward him, his family, and even his house. Every time we visited them, I felt uncomfortable, out of place. I didn't realize the reason until, three years ago, my brother confessed that he had been abused by him. That revelation broke my heart—not so much because of me, but because of my brother. Somehow, I feel like my mind erased certain memories to protect me, but it hurt deeply to see him suffer.
Although I eventually managed to overcome part of that pain, I know that those experiences left deep marks on my personality. From a young age, I was very antisocial. At school, I was bullied and never felt accepted. Attending classes was torture; I was always alone, and that shaped me. During this time, I developed anxiety and, around the age of 15, obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). I lived through an inner hell. Despite that, I found strength and little by little learned to move forward. School remained difficult until my final year, when, for the first time, I had friends and actually enjoyed myself. That year gave me a glimpse of happiness.
However, when the pandemic arrived, everything came back: the anxiety, the loneliness, and, this time, body dysmorphia as well. Those years were especially hard because it was also when my brother confessed what had happened to him. Shortly after, I started university, and that marked the beginning of the best period of my life. I left much of my anxiety behind, made friends, went to parties, and met many people. I felt alive, as if life was finally smiling at me again. Although the dysmorphia was still there, I had learned to control it.
Things changed when my group of friends started drifting away from me. They no longer invited me, acted strangely, and eventually the group broke apart. I was left with just one close friend, and from then on I fell into a depressive emptiness where nothing seemed to have meaning. At that point I still didn't think about suicide, but I was deeply down. Then I met a girl. The problem was that I met her during the worst period of my life: full of anxiety, childhood fears, fear of loneliness, fear of rejection, fear of abandonment. I entered a relationship carrying all that weight. She made me happy, but I was unwell. That turned me into someone controlling, full of insecurities and panic attacks. She couldn't endure it.
I had always dreamed of leaving my country. I worked, saved, and finally achieved it. However, that trip had been planned with my ex-partner. Before leaving, we talked and agreed to remain friends, though she made it clear that our relationship was over. Out of love and emotional dependence, I stayed by her side, and that ended up destroying me. What had once been my dream turned into my worst nightmare. For months I watched her enjoy the trip while I was living in hell.
Today it hurts to think that loneliness always finds me, that no matter what I do, I always end up alone. That thought has made me feel like I don't belong in this world, burdened with guilt and the sense that everything I try inevitably falls apart.
It is for all this that in two weeks I will return to my country with my dream frustrated and planning to buy SN which is easily accessible in my country, I plan to do it in 1 month.
P.S. My English is very basic, so I had to use translator
Although I eventually managed to overcome part of that pain, I know that those experiences left deep marks on my personality. From a young age, I was very antisocial. At school, I was bullied and never felt accepted. Attending classes was torture; I was always alone, and that shaped me. During this time, I developed anxiety and, around the age of 15, obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). I lived through an inner hell. Despite that, I found strength and little by little learned to move forward. School remained difficult until my final year, when, for the first time, I had friends and actually enjoyed myself. That year gave me a glimpse of happiness.
However, when the pandemic arrived, everything came back: the anxiety, the loneliness, and, this time, body dysmorphia as well. Those years were especially hard because it was also when my brother confessed what had happened to him. Shortly after, I started university, and that marked the beginning of the best period of my life. I left much of my anxiety behind, made friends, went to parties, and met many people. I felt alive, as if life was finally smiling at me again. Although the dysmorphia was still there, I had learned to control it.
Things changed when my group of friends started drifting away from me. They no longer invited me, acted strangely, and eventually the group broke apart. I was left with just one close friend, and from then on I fell into a depressive emptiness where nothing seemed to have meaning. At that point I still didn't think about suicide, but I was deeply down. Then I met a girl. The problem was that I met her during the worst period of my life: full of anxiety, childhood fears, fear of loneliness, fear of rejection, fear of abandonment. I entered a relationship carrying all that weight. She made me happy, but I was unwell. That turned me into someone controlling, full of insecurities and panic attacks. She couldn't endure it.
I had always dreamed of leaving my country. I worked, saved, and finally achieved it. However, that trip had been planned with my ex-partner. Before leaving, we talked and agreed to remain friends, though she made it clear that our relationship was over. Out of love and emotional dependence, I stayed by her side, and that ended up destroying me. What had once been my dream turned into my worst nightmare. For months I watched her enjoy the trip while I was living in hell.
Today it hurts to think that loneliness always finds me, that no matter what I do, I always end up alone. That thought has made me feel like I don't belong in this world, burdened with guilt and the sense that everything I try inevitably falls apart.
It is for all this that in two weeks I will return to my country with my dream frustrated and planning to buy SN which is easily accessible in my country, I plan to do it in 1 month.
P.S. My English is very basic, so I had to use translator
