hi i just recently found this site a few days ago after looking online a lot about my plan to ctb.
i don't know all the acronyms on here yet so apologies.
i've struggled with my mental health all my life, with severe depression and anxiety and i also think i have BPD though i'm not diagnosed.
i dropped out of school in 8th grade, because of all the stuff happening at home and my mental health was horrible, i stopped going and nobody at the school ever reached out to me to ask why or what was going on with me, just anger and frustration at me like with my mom.
since i dropped out then i haven't had any friends in person since elementary school.
i've stayed at home for over a decade now doing nothing. just playing video games on my computer.
it's been so incredibly lonely and isolating and i really started to build up this thought in my head that i'm not even a human being, like i am a lesser life form, a slug or a leech. something that regular people shouldn't even have the displeasure of looking at or being around. when a stranger smiles at me it feels like the most undeserved thing in the world, like i'm not worthy of anyone even looking at me. i think i am scum, i think i drain the life out of people and that's just the nature of me. i think i'm not human.
recently in the last few months since i am on income support (i've never had a job because of my anxiety, mental health and not finishing highschool) , they suddenly started asking me to do a huge checklist of stuff to be able to keep getting money and it's all been extremely overwhelming for me and lots of stuff that i had never done before, lots of doctors appointments, paperwork, phonecalls, financial courses etc
they wanted me to also start this program, it was an employment training program with emphasis on supporting mental health. i thought it sounded like something that could really help me, i thought i could do better. i started really looking forward to going and feeling less depressed, the staff there were extremely kind and i built a strong emotional attachment to them, one woman was especially caring and maternal towards me and it made me really happy. but then with the actual classes i would get in there and just feel completely lost, the job stuff was terrifying for me and sharing emotions with other people was too much for me to handle. i was really trying my best at first but i guess i wasn't doing good enough, i would start shutting down or not participating and having a really hard time speaking. they started to become aware of my depression and suicidal ideations by nature of the mental health part of the program, they tried to help me, give me resources and support and breaks and one time they had to take me to a crisis centre. i started to see their frustration with me grow, i could see the tired look in their eyes.
then i started to have a crush on the one male counselor there. he exuded such positive friendly vibes, and seemed so genuine, not like a clinical therapist vibe but like a genuinely kind and fun person, he was the complete opposite of me and soon it became an infatuation. that became my main reason i feel for continuing this program and maybe, for living. just to see him again and be around him. but with that my mental health started to tank even more, a deep spiral of depression and yearning because i knew that it wouldn't be allowed and only fueled my self hate because i just felt like i wasn't good enough, how could i be good enough for him when he's such a great person and i am not even human.
i told one of the other counselors in a session that i had a huge crush on him, which i know i shouldn't have but i have no one to talk to.
later i mentioned to that staff member i grew really close with that i was getting really nervous around him and she said that that counselor had mentioned that i talked to her about that, this sent me into a spiral of depression and fear that she had also told him about it, which ended up with me leaving class the next day to go to the bridge, which has been my plan to ctb. i came back later after not going through with it, though sitting there for hours staring at the bridge and missing an appointment.
he asked me where i went and i told him i didn't want to answer.
he asked me if i went to the bridge and i said yes.
he asked me why.
i said "why do you think"
and he said "i don't know, some people go there for the view."
and i just smiled a really sad smile at him.
i ended up telling him about my crush on him, because that was the center of the problem of why i was upset that day.
he didn't say much about it, he smiled nervously and said "oh i see, well i'm really flattered"
and moved on after that.
he had the whole conversation with me that he can't let me leave now, that he has to call a crisis line or 911. he talked about how this program was probably not a good for me right now, said he would see me on monday, that he would help me find alternatives. he kept reassuring me that he would see me again and that i would still keep coming back this week like normal and that they weren't abandoning me. the cops showed up and involuntarily apprehended me to take me to the psych ward. he walked me to the car with the cops and i asked him for a hug and he said "suuure.." and i got the most awkward pity side hug and then he left without looking back.
i spent 7 hours in the psych ward where a nurse just basically asked what was going on, then saw a doctor who all he said was "how are you feeling now?" i said "tired" he said "are you going to hurt yourself tonight?" i said no. he said "ok you can go home."
i waited for monday with hope i could just see him again.
i called to ask if i was supposed to see him that morning, was told they would get back to me. hours later all i get is an email from him that is a formal release letter from the program, i hit rock bottom. i try to call him and it gets sent to voicemail. i start getting ready to go out to the bridge, i kiss my cat goodbye, i leave.
i spend all day at the bridge and then at some point outside the building for the program, but decide against going in. i keep trying to call him and voicemail. i go back to the bridge. i stand there on the bridge for maybe 40 minutes just staring into the water and crying, dozens of people pass me by.
i think that i'll try to call one more time. i finally get through to the woman i was close with there, i cry and say i'm sorry. she says i need to work on my mental health. i sit there in the grass infront of the bridge on the phone with her in silence.
i ask to talk to him, she says they have a meeting but she will get him to call me after. i wait in the same spot there on the grass for an hour and a half until i know their office is closed, he never called me. my phone dies. i feel like the most desperate, pathetic, saddest sack of shit in the world. i can't go through with my plan to ctb, there are too many people and cars, im tired and i have to pee. i get up and go home, feeling like i failed even in this.
that was on Monday, now i am still here, though i am at my lowest mentally than i have ever been. i feel like i might ctb any day, maybe tomorrow. i don't like to cause anyone any trouble though, and all the people are a big deterrent, but i guess mostly unavoidable given my choice of method. i really like and care about people in general and i wouldn't wish anyone the trauma of witnessing me do this, that's why i wish i could just vanish like i never existed in the first place.
to be clear this isn't the main reason for my wanting to do this, it's the last straw for me, i've been through a severe amount of trauma with my family since i was a kid and always had these thoughts and feelings, but for once i really felt like i had a chance, a support system, some hope, and i messed it up like i mess everything up, completely of my own doing. i don't hold any blame for anyone but me. i know i am the problem. i know i am the leech that slowly saps away all of your patience and care for me.
i'm sorry for this incredibly long wall of text, i'm grateful for anyone who even read a little bit of it.
i don't know all the acronyms on here yet so apologies.
i've struggled with my mental health all my life, with severe depression and anxiety and i also think i have BPD though i'm not diagnosed.
i dropped out of school in 8th grade, because of all the stuff happening at home and my mental health was horrible, i stopped going and nobody at the school ever reached out to me to ask why or what was going on with me, just anger and frustration at me like with my mom.
since i dropped out then i haven't had any friends in person since elementary school.
i've stayed at home for over a decade now doing nothing. just playing video games on my computer.
it's been so incredibly lonely and isolating and i really started to build up this thought in my head that i'm not even a human being, like i am a lesser life form, a slug or a leech. something that regular people shouldn't even have the displeasure of looking at or being around. when a stranger smiles at me it feels like the most undeserved thing in the world, like i'm not worthy of anyone even looking at me. i think i am scum, i think i drain the life out of people and that's just the nature of me. i think i'm not human.
recently in the last few months since i am on income support (i've never had a job because of my anxiety, mental health and not finishing highschool) , they suddenly started asking me to do a huge checklist of stuff to be able to keep getting money and it's all been extremely overwhelming for me and lots of stuff that i had never done before, lots of doctors appointments, paperwork, phonecalls, financial courses etc
they wanted me to also start this program, it was an employment training program with emphasis on supporting mental health. i thought it sounded like something that could really help me, i thought i could do better. i started really looking forward to going and feeling less depressed, the staff there were extremely kind and i built a strong emotional attachment to them, one woman was especially caring and maternal towards me and it made me really happy. but then with the actual classes i would get in there and just feel completely lost, the job stuff was terrifying for me and sharing emotions with other people was too much for me to handle. i was really trying my best at first but i guess i wasn't doing good enough, i would start shutting down or not participating and having a really hard time speaking. they started to become aware of my depression and suicidal ideations by nature of the mental health part of the program, they tried to help me, give me resources and support and breaks and one time they had to take me to a crisis centre. i started to see their frustration with me grow, i could see the tired look in their eyes.
then i started to have a crush on the one male counselor there. he exuded such positive friendly vibes, and seemed so genuine, not like a clinical therapist vibe but like a genuinely kind and fun person, he was the complete opposite of me and soon it became an infatuation. that became my main reason i feel for continuing this program and maybe, for living. just to see him again and be around him. but with that my mental health started to tank even more, a deep spiral of depression and yearning because i knew that it wouldn't be allowed and only fueled my self hate because i just felt like i wasn't good enough, how could i be good enough for him when he's such a great person and i am not even human.
i told one of the other counselors in a session that i had a huge crush on him, which i know i shouldn't have but i have no one to talk to.
later i mentioned to that staff member i grew really close with that i was getting really nervous around him and she said that that counselor had mentioned that i talked to her about that, this sent me into a spiral of depression and fear that she had also told him about it, which ended up with me leaving class the next day to go to the bridge, which has been my plan to ctb. i came back later after not going through with it, though sitting there for hours staring at the bridge and missing an appointment.
he asked me where i went and i told him i didn't want to answer.
he asked me if i went to the bridge and i said yes.
he asked me why.
i said "why do you think"
and he said "i don't know, some people go there for the view."
and i just smiled a really sad smile at him.
i ended up telling him about my crush on him, because that was the center of the problem of why i was upset that day.
he didn't say much about it, he smiled nervously and said "oh i see, well i'm really flattered"
and moved on after that.
he had the whole conversation with me that he can't let me leave now, that he has to call a crisis line or 911. he talked about how this program was probably not a good for me right now, said he would see me on monday, that he would help me find alternatives. he kept reassuring me that he would see me again and that i would still keep coming back this week like normal and that they weren't abandoning me. the cops showed up and involuntarily apprehended me to take me to the psych ward. he walked me to the car with the cops and i asked him for a hug and he said "suuure.." and i got the most awkward pity side hug and then he left without looking back.
i spent 7 hours in the psych ward where a nurse just basically asked what was going on, then saw a doctor who all he said was "how are you feeling now?" i said "tired" he said "are you going to hurt yourself tonight?" i said no. he said "ok you can go home."
i waited for monday with hope i could just see him again.
i called to ask if i was supposed to see him that morning, was told they would get back to me. hours later all i get is an email from him that is a formal release letter from the program, i hit rock bottom. i try to call him and it gets sent to voicemail. i start getting ready to go out to the bridge, i kiss my cat goodbye, i leave.
i spend all day at the bridge and then at some point outside the building for the program, but decide against going in. i keep trying to call him and voicemail. i go back to the bridge. i stand there on the bridge for maybe 40 minutes just staring into the water and crying, dozens of people pass me by.
i think that i'll try to call one more time. i finally get through to the woman i was close with there, i cry and say i'm sorry. she says i need to work on my mental health. i sit there in the grass infront of the bridge on the phone with her in silence.
i ask to talk to him, she says they have a meeting but she will get him to call me after. i wait in the same spot there on the grass for an hour and a half until i know their office is closed, he never called me. my phone dies. i feel like the most desperate, pathetic, saddest sack of shit in the world. i can't go through with my plan to ctb, there are too many people and cars, im tired and i have to pee. i get up and go home, feeling like i failed even in this.
that was on Monday, now i am still here, though i am at my lowest mentally than i have ever been. i feel like i might ctb any day, maybe tomorrow. i don't like to cause anyone any trouble though, and all the people are a big deterrent, but i guess mostly unavoidable given my choice of method. i really like and care about people in general and i wouldn't wish anyone the trauma of witnessing me do this, that's why i wish i could just vanish like i never existed in the first place.
to be clear this isn't the main reason for my wanting to do this, it's the last straw for me, i've been through a severe amount of trauma with my family since i was a kid and always had these thoughts and feelings, but for once i really felt like i had a chance, a support system, some hope, and i messed it up like i mess everything up, completely of my own doing. i don't hold any blame for anyone but me. i know i am the problem. i know i am the leech that slowly saps away all of your patience and care for me.
i'm sorry for this incredibly long wall of text, i'm grateful for anyone who even read a little bit of it.
