My Sick Sick Brain 🧠

[dust-in-the-wind]

I've been on here over 2 years and although my depression has gotten better enough to the point that I can leave the house some days now, instead of being bedridden, I still would prefer to be dead. Family and friends are so happy and think I am all better, which I am not and most likely never will be. I am a 57f, been battling MDD most of my adult life. I am grateful that medication gave me some years of reprieve from this relentless demon and I got to experience some joys and make a difference to others but I am just so done now. Medications no longer work enough for me to make my life worth living. There is nothing inherently wrong in my life, its just a deep seated dread and darkness that follows me everywhere. Even when you think it's gone, it is lurking in the shadows waiting to pounce. I have to take prescribed stimulants every day to even be able to do anything because I am already dead inside. The only future ahead of me now is old age and all the horrors that come with it. Tell me how can a brain be two things at once by having no drive to live yet also be in survival mode to the point you can't end it? It's really fucking twisted. TY for letting me rant. Wish you all & .

 

[hihi2027]

I think you're really brave for making it this far despite your mental health being in the doldrums for god knows how long. I am a lot younger than you but relate to the feeling that this darkness in life always pounces at the moments you least expect it. Even in the happiest moments, I have suicidal thoughts and a sense of unworthiness. On paper, my life is better than others who are blown up and disabled for life, but I still feel a deep emptiness inside. I'm rambling here but just wanted to acknowledge your strength and courage for making it this far despite the horrors

 

[PeaceSeeker83]

Once again, I am a person who can relate. Once again, saying that will not help in the slightest I guess. To be honest, all I can do is laugh at this pathetic world. If there were any common sense, somebody like me (in Oz) would have been dead through assisted dying by now.

 

[Hollowman]

I don't know how but it does.