My Sick Sick Brain 🧠

[dust-in-the-wind]

I've been on here over 2 years and although my depression has gotten better enough to the point that I can leave the house some days now, instead of being bedridden, I still would prefer to be dead. Family and friends are so happy and think I am all better, which I am not and most likely never will be. I am a 57f, been battling MDD most of my adult life. I am grateful that medication gave me some years of reprieve from this relentless demon and I got to experience some joys and make a difference to others but I am just so done now. Medications no longer work enough for me to make my life worth living. There is nothing inherently wrong in my life, its just a deep seated dread and darkness that follows me everywhere. Even when you think it's gone, it is lurking in the shadows waiting to pounce. I have to take prescribed stimulants every day to even be able to do anything because I am already dead inside. The only future ahead of me now is old age and all the horrors that come with it. Tell me how can a brain be two things at once by having no drive to live yet also be in survival mode to the point you can't end it? It's really fucking twisted. TY for letting me rant. Wish you all & .

 

[hihi2027]

I think you're really brave for making it this far despite your mental health being in the doldrums for god knows how long. I am a lot younger than you but relate to the feeling that this darkness in life always pounces at the moments you least expect it. Even in the happiest moments, I have suicidal thoughts and a sense of unworthiness. On paper, my life is better than others who are blown up and disabled for life, but I still feel a deep emptiness inside. I'm rambling here but just wanted to acknowledge your strength and courage for making it this far despite the horrors

 

[PeaceSeeker83]

Once again, I am a person who can relate. Once again, saying that will not help in the slightest I guess. To be honest, all I can do is laugh at this pathetic world. If there were any common sense, somebody like me (in Oz) would have been dead through assisted dying by now.

 

[Hollowman]

I don't know how but it does.

 

[dust-in-the-wind]

Once again, I am a person who can relate. Once again, saying that will not help in the slightest I guess. To be honest, all I can do is laugh at this pathetic world. If there were any common sense, somebody like me (in Oz) would have been dead through assisted dying by now.

Where is Oz? It makes me think of the Wizard of Oz. I wish I could laugh at this world. In philosophy it is called 'Absurdism'. I mostly cry over the world with all its suffering and horror.

 

[Macedonian1987]

I've been on here over 2 years and although my depression has gotten better enough to the point that I can leave the house some days now, instead of being bedridden, I still would prefer to be dead. Family and friends are so happy and think I am all better, which I am not and most likely never will be. I am a 57f, been battling MDD most of my adult life. I am grateful that medication gave me some years of reprieve from this relentless demon and I got to experience some joys and make a difference to others but I am just so done now. Medications no longer work enough for me to make my life worth living. There is nothing inherently wrong in my life, its just a deep seated dread and darkness that follows me everywhere. Even when you think it's gone, it is lurking in the shadows waiting to pounce. I have to take prescribed stimulants every day to even be able to do anything because I am already dead inside. The only future ahead of me now is old age and all the horrors that come with it. Tell me how can a brain be two things at once by having no drive to live yet also be in survival mode to the point you can't end it? It's really fucking twisted. TY for letting me rant. Wish you all & .

It breaks my heart to hear how exhausted you are, especially having to put on a brave face for everyone else when that heavy darkness is still right there. That cruel tug of war your brain is playing by keeping you in survival mode while draining away any desire to live is so painfully unfair, and you have every right to be angry and tired.

 

[PeaceSeeker83]

Where is Oz? It makes me think of the Wizard of Oz. I wish I could laugh at this world. In philosophy it is called 'Absurdism'. I mostly cry over the world with all its suffering and horror.

Australia. There is too much suffering and horror. It's gotten a lot worse too and I don't see much here for most people in the future. When I see babies in prams I just think you poor poor humans.

 

[Off_Switch]

I feel your pain. The older I get, the exponentially worse the feeling becomes. The years go by faster and faster, but in the moment feel like they're going by slower and slower. And the chokehold becomes tighter and tighter.

 

[rainhappy]

You can truly be proud of how far you've come. I don't see 57 years of life in this text; I see 57 years of survival, of inner struggles, of urges—and despite how much you've suffered and how strongly you've wanted to end it all, you've managed to overcome them a little more each day. Perhaps this resilience stems from the realization—even if it's unconscious—that there are things you might lose forever if you were to leave. It surely comes from the fact that you always have loved ones by your side. Whatever the case may be, you can truly be very proud of yourself, of all the battles you've fought against your own thoughts, and I wish you a bright future .

 

[darksoul999]

Medications for me made me too numb to where i actually missed my Bipolar episodes.

I just could not be myself.

 

[dust-in-the-wind]

I think you're really brave for making it this far despite your mental health being in the doldrums for god knows how long. I am a lot younger than you but relate to the feeling that this darkness in life always pounces at the moments you least expect it. Even in the happiest moments, I have suicidal thoughts and a sense of unworthiness. On paper, my life is better than others who are blown up and disabled for life, but I still feel a deep emptiness inside. I'm rambling here but just wanted to acknowledge your strength and courage for making it this far despite the horrors

Thank You for your reply. I don't believe the darkness will ever go away. It is just who I am but medications sometimes have often helped me with suicidal ideation. I can be out with family or friends and still be thinking about wanting to die. That there is no poin


I honestly don't know how I made it this far and never envisioned myself reaching this age. But survival instinct is so hard to overcome, even when you want to die.

Australia. There is too much suffering and horror. It's gotten a lot worse too and I don't see much here for most people in the future. When I see babies in prams I just think you poor poor humans.

I intentionally never had children because I thought the world was horrible 20-30 years ago. Now..I have no words. I am thankful I got to grow up without internet & social media. I didn't even have a cell phone until my early 30's ! Everyone, especially the younger generations, are all walking around like zombies and their phone have become an additional appendage to their bodies.

I feel your pain. The older I get, the exponentially worse the feeling becomes. The years go by faster and faster, but in the moment feel like they're going by slower and slower. And the chokehold becomes tighter and tighter.

Yes, I totally get this. I don't understand people calling getting old the "golden years" or "its a privilege". No, it is like watching a horror movie unfold where you are the leading actor.

Medications for me made me too numb to where i actually missed my Bipolar episodes.

I just could not be myself.

Meds aren't for everyone. I'm not bipolar. I am considered unipolar, always depressed to some degree. If I had bipolar, I would surely enjoy having a little mania in life.

You can truly be proud of how far you've come. I don't see 57 years of life in this text; I see 57 years of survival, of inner struggles, of urges—and despite how much you've suffered and how strongly you've wanted to end it all, you've managed to overcome them a little more each day. Perhaps this resilience stems from the realization—even if it's unconscious—that there are things you might lose forever if you were to leave. It surely comes from the fact that you always have loved ones by your side. Whatever the case may be, you can truly be very proud of yourself, of all the battles you've fought against your own thoughts, and I wish you a bright future .

Thank you so much for this genuine heart felt post . I don't have a lot of loved ones, but just a few, and I know my death would greatly affect them. But when my depression gets really severe, I don't even care about anyone. I just need the mental anguish to end. I've tried partial a few times but it has never worked out. I also love my dog to death. I would miss him the most. But then again, if I'm dead I wouldn't have the consciousness to miss anything. I don't even think I would call myself resilient. I think it is more cowardness that I am still here. I think what is the point of even trying to push through all the suffering when there is no prize at the end, only death is the ultimate reward, providing final peace. Right now I don't know what my future holds and can only manage one day at a time. I try to do something good each day to help another, even if it is just commenting to a post on here with some words of wisdom from my older age experience. Some of the younger ones on here are too quick to want to end it over situations that can improve. So just maybe I save a life. However, I will always be pro-choice.