my sanity is time-sensitive

[wildbluekiss]

crazy how depression fucks your head up. but what's crazier is how difficult it is to jump off of roof like how i picture it in my dreams for so long because this stupid survival instinct is too strong.

i really want to die, and literally cut off my online friends (excluding the ones on this site, ofc) and i don't even need to mention about the people irl, i don't have even one to talk to (at least through my perspective). i'm a shut in. and yet, it's still difficult.

it should've been easy, because i really want to cease to exist, i'm not joking around, the pain is crushing me to pieces, pushing me onto my limit. but in reality, it's difficult. why is it difficult, though? i'm dead serious about trying to die. but it's still. difficult. how disgusting.

 

[DoubleUp8]

I know exactly how you feel. It's a constant battle between the death wish and human survival instinct and that SI is as strong a force as there is. People go on living even when they know they will be better off dead.
SI has me surviving almost 20 years now since I became disabled even though as horrible as I imagined disability could be, the reality of being disabled is infinitely worse than anything I ever imagined. I gotta catch that bus. I can't take anymore. Yet here I am still breathing.

 

[wildbluekiss]

I know exactly how you feel. It's a constant battle between the death wish and human survival instinct and that SI is as strong a force as there is. People go on living even when they know they will be better off dead.

thank you so much, your kind words remind me that i'm not alone trapped by these ugly feelings. my incapability to off myself sometimes icks me—i'm not doing this life right, and now i can't even bring myself to death right, i'm not doing anything right at this point. even in suffering, i can't end myself right. it's sad, it's so sad. the act of invalidating ourselves because of physical survival instinct that out of our control, is so sad…

 

[DoubleUp8]

I almost took a chance at grabbing a cop's gun the other day. I wasn't afraid of death but didn't do it because I feared that I might not pull it off exactly right and end up being charged with a crime or sent to 1 of those horrible fraudulent mental health facilities
of If I felt that I could have pulled it off 100 percent, I would have. But probably the cop would have tried to wrestle it away and it could have been ugly.

 

[wildbluekiss]

I almost took a chance at grabbing a cop's gun the other day. I wasn't afraid of death but didn't do it because I feared that I might not pull it off exactly right and end up being charged with a crime or sent to 1 of those horrible fraudulent mental health facilities
of If I felt that I could have pulled it off 100 percent, I would have. But probably the cop would have tried to wrestle it away and it could have been ugly.

right, ours—human's mind is disgustingly unique. a strong survival instinct exists, but also a strong impulsive thought out of the strong need to die. i commute with trains everyday, the strong will to jump off is haunting me, but yet i can't do it, even if i'm 100% i will nail it (train accidents here are usually lethal, they're fast enough) and 100% desperate to die. crazy. hope we can get through this, alive or dead