my resolve is wavering

[zurukunai]

i have a nice fantasy going on right now about taking shelter at the top of a particular garage during this hurricane and executing Stan's method while wearing a raincoat. wouldn't be much cleanup and odds are the hurricane may even take care of the cleanup so that the first responders don't have to deal with my mess. it's almost perfect.

it feels like my grief has actually defeated me this time.

i shouldn't do it. i have every reason not to do it and i still want to. i am very calm right now and not panicking about it.

i found out that i'm very likely to lose my kidneys.

i don't know if i can prevent the schizophrenia from getting worse. i don't know if i can hold out. i feel like a burden that will never be worth its price. i have nothing to offer the world other than indiscriminate fury and egotism. i wonder if i'm a psychopath. if i relapse into alcoholism i'm likely to gravely injure everybody around me. it seems to me that euthanasia isn't entirely inappropriate at this point. i wish it weren't such a calming thought. i want the pain to end while i still have control, some amount of dignity.

i lost a very good friend in high school. he died out of nowhere in a freak accident. i ended up going to the school he had been accepted into and was looking forward to attending. i got to join groups he would have been an amazing part of. i cried every day when i moved onto campus thinking of all the things that should have been his. i couldn't talk about it or explain it because the grief was still too raw.

i can't bear to put my friends through something like that when they think of what i am concerned i will do to myself. i can't bear to throw away the help i have been given but i fear that nothing could ever be enough for individuals such as myself. i think i'm a monster for even continuing to entertain the thought. i want to beg and plead for attention from the few people whose opinions mean something to me but I've done enough of that and they don't deserve the burden.
maybe just disappearing during the hurricane for a while is the correct balance between desperate attention-seeking and actually receiving the support i need. but it's too risky and i'm really trying to avoid being diagnosed with borderline personality disorder.

 

[timf]

You might not want the timetable of a storm to dictate your plans. Grief can be overwhelming at times. However, rather than thinking of all the things he is missing, you might try to picture what it would be like if he were still by your side. You might picture what he would enjoy.

 

[mellie5]

I find it very positive that you don't want to relapse into taking the substance you were addicted to (alcohol). Many would be not so strong.

Your schizophrenia can be made better with medication, psychotherapy and psychoeducation (e.g. learning what to do when warning signs appear).

A borderline personality disorder is not forever and can be treated. The diagnosis of a borderline personality disorder is not a "black mark", it is just a diagnosis that will e.g. help those treating the schizophrenia focus their approach differently.

"very likely to lose the kidneys" - what do you mean "very likely"? was this told you by a nephrologist? idk what you have and I'm sorry you have that, psychological support would help too.

 

[IWillSurvive]

Think about the people you will leave behind, how they will feel? what will they do? will they be able to just go on with their life?. If after thinking on all of this you still feel like killing yourself I fully respect your choice, but I belive that if you are receiving help and if you are able to just get over this after more or less time(I belive you will for what I have seen) I think that you should crawl a bit more, just to see if it gets better later on. Also, you are not at fault for your friends accident, even though I dont know how it feels, I know that it must be excruciatingly painful and that you would anything to be able to share your situation with them, but I belive that the best thing you can do, for his memory and for yourself, is try to just live the life that he wanted and be a good friend to the people you meet. In the end, there is(I belive) nothing after death, so why no just try to make the most of it on the little time we have in existance?. I dont know your friend, but knowing how important they are to you I do think that they would like you to live the life they wanted. After saying what I wanted to say(because I truly feel like you can get to a better place with time, it happened to me after all) I also want to tell you that it is in the end a choice that you must make. If you still confidently belive you want to kill yourself after thinking on the actual consecuences(because trust me, even if you may think it doesnt hurt that much, it is hell to lose someone you knew), if you still feel it hurts more than what you are prepared to tolerate, I at least hope you are able to find your peace. Hope you get to a better place, regardless of it happening on death or life.