My plans to kill myself when I turn 30 are back on

[FireFox]

Life is not for me as I grow older I now realise it, I wish I never came to this conclusion because I really wanted to live and be happy. My 20s have been a cycle of confusion in never knowing where I belong in this world, disappointments and things constantly going wrong. I don't want to see another decade. I really don't.

All my life I have had to deal with people thinking I am crazy especially at a young age. When I was in Primary school teachers complained to my family about me being weird and not normal like the other children. I used to talk to myself but grew out of it in my mid 20s my mum never get me help for it neither did the school flag up any potential learning problems I may have. In year 6 i used to have an active imagine and made up imaginary friends for fun. I had real friends in primary school but teacher tought I was werid and complained. I have seen the school written assessments about me. Family got mad at me for failing to be normal. My relatives gossiped about how I was crazy behind my back even the ones I loved also participated in this behaviour. I had regular mental breakdowns at school. Secondary school I was regularly builled for being the werid girl who didn't have friends and struggled to fit in. Growing up with parent and grandparent from a different culture they can't relete nor understand any of my problems I have as result I do suffer from loneliness. It's is very possible to be lonely with family. I have all these cousins, uncles and aunties who dont even care about me.

It absolutely hurts me so much that all my life I have never been anyone's crush or that woman a man really wanted. As a teenager all the other girls at school had boys interested in them and pursued them while I was the werid unpopular girl who the boys regularly builled at school and made fun of. In adulthood I give all my attention and love to the men I love but they never give it back and just want someone else.

No amount of therapy can ever help me. Never having male love at a young age and always being that girl now woman who never ever gets picked has a psychologically damaged me permanently. I genuinely now believe I am unlovable. I don't want to be single in my 30s as it's gets harder to find someone. I always be the unwanted woman.

2023 was the worst year of my life because I had an entire year of things going wrong. In 2022 my life was finally getting better and for the first time I was no longer suicidal. Last year everything came crashing down if none of the events of last year never happened I wouldn't be making all this plans to kill myself. Last year showed me life is not worth living.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

Some of these behaviours that people thought you were weird for aren't even weird. Talking to yourself, for example, is completely normal and healthy. Self-talk/private speech is something we start engaging in as children and it plays an important role in things, such as self-regulation and self-guidance. Same thing with imaginary friends. They are normal to have and can allow for children to further practice things, such as their social skills. I still have imaginary friends as an adult, lol (though I engage with them more in my head than irl). It's concerning that your teachers, people whose literal job is to work with children, are flagging some of these normal behaviours as "weird".

It seems like the adults in your life failed you tremdously. Normalcy is a lie. It's an illusion that we work to try and upkeep because our ability to gain the approval of those around us and function within the in-group hinges on it. Most people are weird, it's just that some people better at hiding it than others.

 

[TAW122]

I'm sorry to hear about your suffering and all the ills that come with sentience. My life is similar in various ways, being the odd one out, being an outcast, and many more. I'm also in my early 30's now so I'm not really just a young teen anymore, but an young adult getting closer and closer to middle age each passing year. I too am on the road towards CTB, it is not a matter of if, but when (the time and circumstance is right).

I hope you will be able to find relief in whatever you choose to do.

 

[FireFox]

Some of these behaviours that people thought you were weird for aren't even weird. Talking to yourself, for example, is completely normal and healthy. Self-talk/private speech is something we start engaging in as children and it plays an important role in things, such as self-regulation and self-guidance. Same thing with imaginary friends. They are normal to have and can allow for children to further practice things, such as their social skills. I still have imaginary friends as an adult, lol (though I engage with them more in my head than irl). It's concerning that your teachers, people whose literal job is to work with children, are flagging some of these normal behaviours as "weird".

It seems like the adults in your life failed you tremdously. Normalcy is a lie. It's an illusion that we work to try and upkeep because our ability to gain the approval of those around us and function within the in-group hinges on it. Most people are weird, it's just that some people better at hiding it than others.

@EvisceratedJester When I was in year 6 I was between the ages of 10 -11 but teacher thought I was werid at that age for having an active imagination. My family listened to everything teacher said and took it seriously. My grandmother even said " you see this is why teachers at school think you are cuckoo ( crazy) in the head"

The teacher who taught me builled my classmates she was teaching. She was a White New Zealander who emigrated to the UK to teach my class. In my class was a girl whose family moved from Afghanistan. She struggled with English and was weak in academics. One time she failed a test and the teacher humiliated her over it in front of the whole class. The teacher said "you have been in this country for how long and still don't know English" and she compared her to this white Eastern boy who was doing well in class.

This is teacher who the ALL adults at school listened to her judgements about the students she taught.

When it came to relatives my mum cared about their opinions. When I was a teenager one time my mum snapped at me and said " stop talking to yourself relatives think you are crazy"

The same relatives who were gossiping about me being crazy their households were the most dysfunctional but still these relatives were even bullying my grandmother into taking me to a witch doctor to undergo harmful, humiliating and psychologically damaging treatments to make me normal. Witch doctors in my parents home country are not medically qualified and their treatments they make people take are very harmful. Harmful treatments involve drinking a herbal solution mixed with anything, going into a forrest to bath in some river or whatever the witch doctor demands. Witch doctors have even been taken to court for abusing people who use their services.

Thank god my grandmother said no but it was distribing how my relatives wanted me to exposed to greater harm. The relatives who demanded I see a weirdo witch doctor never put their children through this treatment.

Growing up I wished I was known as the pretty girl because the pretty girls at school everyone wanted to be their friend, got better treatment and boys were so nice to them. Being known as the werid girl I got builled, excluded even from people at school who I thought were my friends and no boy ever liked me.

I'm sorry to hear about your suffering and all the ills that come with sentience. My life is similar in various ways, being the odd one out, being an outcast, and many more. I'm also in my early 30's now so I'm not really just a young teen anymore, but an young adult getting closer and closer to middle age each passing year. I too am on the road towards CTB, it is not a matter of if, but when (the time and circumstance is right).

I hope you will be able to find relief in whatever you choose to do.

@TAW122 People say suicide is selfish but what these people do not understand is no one wakes up one morning and decides to leave behind forever their family and friends. I truly believe mental illness is having a monster in your head if only non mentally ill people could see just for day what goes on inside our minds.

My body no longer feels under my control but under the control of something else, a darker entity. Everyday I feel it. Its a meancing presence that won't go away.

Having an eating disorder along with suicidal thoughts feels like having a doppelganger within you that stalks, shadows your life and slowly works to steal everything good you have in your life until it finally takes over your life.

As grow older I realise now people die from suicide not because their bodies succumbed to the illness but because the illness, the doppelganger won in taking total dominance of that person's body, mind and soul.

I truly believe mental illness kills your soul before you kill yourself. One of the worst things about being suicidal is nobody saw how hard you tried to really fight the monster within.

 

[Meowsies]

I honestly feel the same, I don't think I will make it past 30.

 

[FireFox]

I honestly feel the same, I don't think I will make it past 30.

@Meowsies Virtual hug honestly I am just fed of life I don't want to see another 20 years.

All my life I have known male rejection and being humiliated by men just seeing everyone else I grew up with now settled with spouses, kids and a career I feel like an enormous failure.

Being single all my life has now driven me to insanity.

At school the boys regularly builled and terrorised me while nicer to the other girls. I had confidence to talk to people and participated in school class activities but people at school thought I was the werid girl. I even experienced boys at school pretending to be interested in me as part of a laugh with their friends. I was that girl who never had a boy geniuenely like her, never got asked out to prom and never someone's first girlfriend.

Adulthood too men humiliate me or use me as a rebound option. I have met men when they are no longer together with their with girlfriend the man hangs around me a lot and later dumps me after reunites with his ex. Its the worst because I really invest my time in a man people don't understand how much effort i make to show a man I really care and actually want to make the man happy. No man ever sees how hard I try.

It's not only being single it's just everything else going wrong last year. I have now come to the conclusion life is not for me. I want out.