Venting My Personality Standing In My Way

[KafkaF]

I think my personality is one of the biggest things that's standing in my way of me finally ending it.

The thing is that I've always been a "fighter." Someone who's very determined. I rarely give up or accept that nothing is to be done. That's just not who I am.

But I also realize, more rationally, that in this case there really is nothing to be done. There isn't a solution to my problems. And the best possible thing I can do at this point is to accept that and find a way to peacefully end it.

But just because I rationally understand that, doesn't mean I emotionally do. Emotionally I think I'm hesitant to actually go through with it in part because of my usual personality. Which is that I have this tendency to keep wanting to find some other way. Some way around it that would make everything okay again.

Accepting that nothing can be done is so very against my nature. It's would be far better for me though. Hopefully I can get there because it terrifies me the idea that I can't.

 

[IwannaDazai]

I feel you. I know my situation can't change but I still fight it so hard. It's like I have one rogue brain cell with an optimistic streak preventing my rational mind from fully accepting reality. I did accept it once, I guess I'm waiting to get there again. Funny to be waiting around hoping to hit rock bottom, but here we are. I really hope you do find another way, tbh. But if that's not possible, I hope you find peace.

 

[Captive_Mind515]

I would have been the same in the past.

I've spent 20+ years just making the best of whatever limited life I've got, trying to do the best I could. There comes a point where you just realise the walls are closing in, a decision needs to be made. People reach that tipping point at different stages I guess. You certainly do need to be calm and peaceful about the decision you're making... which is obviously easier said than done. But I think I'm quite calm about things at this stage.