Discussion My partner prioritizes sleep over my well-being. Can this be normal?

[d-tea]

My partner, more than once, has just turned around and slept while letting me cry myself to sleep. It seems like they prefer me quietly crying myself to sleep to not getting a good night's rest to be prepared for work the next day.
I can't imagine that this is normal? Am I exaggerating?
I can't see myself ignoring my significant other when they're suffering in any way, even if it costs me energy the next day. Are they so desensitised to my needs? Even though I try my best to communicate what I need, I told them many times before that, when I'm upset, just being there for me and cuddling is enough, maybe listen if you're awake enough.
It's not like I regularly cry myself to sleep anymore.
I told them I needed cuddle. They ignored me and said they wanted to sleep. It's already so hard to communicate your needs properly in the moment, when you're upset, it hurts so much more when they're denied. Am I being unreasonable? I feel like this isn't normal.
I don't want them to lose sleep. I don't want them to be exhausted tomorrow. It's already hard enough to let them know when I need something because I feel so guilty about needing something.

I feel angry. I know it's unfair but I just want to yell at them that it's no wonder I felt so lonely and unable to get help when I needed it most and tried to ctb when I was literally sleeping in the same bed as them. I'm so tired of feeling like a nuisance when I always try my best to make them feel validated. Am I just egocentric and delusional? I don't know what to think.

 

[Kamaainakupua]

It may not be normal (or nice), but it's certainly common. A lot of women I know have complained of this, with both male and female partners. Sadly, I always isolate before the tears so I can't give you a personal account, so instead, /hugs

 

[d-tea]

How do you even move on from this? I try to be transparent and communicate my feelings. I can't just wake them up now, but I also can't sleep until I've gotten this horrible feeling out some way. I feel like whatever I do is the wrong choice.

 

[raineen]

it's hard to say without knowing your specific situation, but i would say it's a mix. it's certainly common, and you can understand where they come from if it's a case of getting desensitized to it, or them recognizing something like that affects them too and deciding to opt out.
i am not saying it's a valid reasoning, but it's one someone can follow.

i myself have gone through the same, and i know how much it sucks, and on both occasions this happened, i found better to move on, and they agreed. i do not want to be with someone who cannot be there for me at my worst, especially when i try to be there for them. and i understand that sometimes they cannot deal with such things and still come out whole and unscathed.

i hope you get through this safely, and that it works out alright

 

[L.D.50]

my partner has done this to me too, except we're in a long distance relationship so he just mutes his phone or ignores it
it pisses me off too. i wish i had something more uplifting to say, but you're not alone. it is a shitty feeling.
it sounds as if this is something you're dealing with literally this exact moment, so i wouldn't do anything brash and figure out a way to bring it up tomorrow. everyone is more emotional at night and prone to doing impulsive or irrational things. i hope you can get some rest, and that whatever is bothering you will resolve.

 

[behindtheveil]

First of all, your tears carry value. You carry value. Don't lose it on life's mischievous nature. It does hurt when someone we hold close to our heart fails to notice our pain. But then, even they are human. We are wired to make mistakes. We tend to sometimes unwillingly ignore or not notice things that are important. This doesn't in any way lessen your importance.
I mean take it like this- we were once toddlers and kids and we took the affection and love showered by our parents for granted, but it no way means that we loved them any less.
You are a beautiful soul and the universe knows and now we know. Don't cry please, this life is not that valuable that we need to offer it our most precious feelings. Take care and lots of love.

 

[d-tea]

my partner has done this to me too, except we're in a long distance relationship so he just mutes his phone or ignores it
it pisses me off too. i wish i had something more uplifting to say, but you're not alone. it is a shitty feeling.
it sounds as if this is something you're dealing with literally this exact moment, so i wouldn't do anything brash and figure out a way to bring it up tomorrow. everyone is more emotional at night and prone to doing impulsive or irrational things. i hope you can get some rest, and that whatever is bothering you will resolve.

Thank you for the very kind and reasonable words. I've brought it up before. I'll do it again, I'm just very frustrated and frankly angry, I don't understand how they can tell me they care about me and are worried about me sometimes, and then when I actually need them they don't seem to care at all. They tell me that they're afraid of me doing something brash and impulsive, that I could be gone the next day when they wake up, and then they opt to go to work well rested instead of just taking a moment to be there for me. It probably would've been 5mins of their time and I would've felt better and been able to sleep well. Instead I am lying on the couch and overthinking until I'm not able to sleep.
Maybe I am too just much to put up with sometimes.
I don't really have moments like this often, anymore. If I were like this every night, I'd be desensitised and prioritising my own well being too. I can't even remember the last time this happened, tho, it's been so long. I don't know what to do if not just tell them again and again and feel lonely and like shit whenever this does happen.

 

[hurb]

Try to ask for attention when its not bed time and study their reaction.
I have a friend that is the kind of a person , that no matter what u do , he is gonna sleep at a specific time.
Some people's brains are simply wired that way and maybe ur partner's is too. Im not justifying ignoring u , i think they should force themselves to help u.
But I think its harder for people than others

 

[Kamaainakupua]

My current partner constantly ignores me, not when I'm crying (as I said before, I isolate so she doesn't even know), but on the daily I reach out and no response. In our case, both of us are on psych meds, so she literally is numb to my needs/wants, and I too, get angry, until I remember.
I don't know if your partner gets a free pass because of meds, but it's something to consider if it might be a factor. If not, definitely want to evaluate the shelf life of this matchup.