Venting my mum doesn't care that im suicidal

[Remy_is_tired]

ive tried to tell her before but she never took me seriously; i was just saying it casually so okay ig it could be misinterpreted

but yesterday (or the day before i dont even know anymore) i was crying and screaming at her and she still just.. didn't react. she just told me to shut up and "stop saying things like that"
why doesnt she care? shouldnt she love me? i begged her to even considdr helping me. i begged my mother to care about me. i don't have anyone anymore. why doesnt she care? she shouldve been concerned right? i dont know.
im tired
im so tired and not even my mother cares
theres no reason to keep going anymore
i always told myself: when i work up the courage to ask for help all of this will be over and I'll be normal
but she doesnt care why doesnt she care?

i shouldnt be so sad about this you know. i should be happy that when i kill myself atleast i can guarantee that she wont be hurt.
but some selfish part of me really wants her to care. its disgusting. im disgusting and selfish. i want her to be hurt by my death and i want everyone to know its her fault.
thats filthy. im so filthy. i shouldnt be so selfish.

 

[peewee]

i dont know how old you are but i can assure you she does care, sounds like she doesnt have the capacity/tools to be there for you how you need and deserve. its a part of growing up that we realise our parents are just people, and often our parents shouldnt have been parents, or they just cant show up for us the way we want and need. it hurts alot, its hard. your mum does care, she just doesnt have the tools. he parents probably didnt either, its often generational. consider trying to get better and finding other people that care - friends, healthcare professionals, helpline peeps, literally anyone. we care on here and we dont even know you. sending love and hugs xx

 

[Pale_Rider]

I think some people just can't fathom suicode is my opinion .

 

[Remy_is_tired]

i dont know how old you are but i can assure you she does care, sounds like she doesnt have the capacity/tools to be there for you how you need and deserve. its a part of growing up that we realise our parents are just people, and often our parents shouldnt have been parents, or they just cant show up for us the way we want and need. it hurts alot, its hard. your mum does care, she just doesnt have the tools. he parents probably didnt either, its often generational. consider trying to get better and finding other people that care - friends, healthcare professionals, helpline peeps, literally anyone. we care on here and we dont even know you. sending love and hugs xx

i know it isnt her fault
but god i just wish she never had kids
when i was 12 she was admitted to a mental hospital and my dad hid it from my younger sisters but not from me
i wish he had. it felt like he kept pushing this responsibility on me to take care of my sisters & mum (after she left the hospital) emotionally

it just doesnt feel fair in a way? my dad always told *me* to be all kind and nice to my mum to help her recovery and now she wont even show a bit of concern that im killing myself? i think i developed the same type of seasonal depression as her a while ago. i always hid it from my dad so hed focus on helping my mum.
i shouldnt be helping for any benefits i know but. i dont know

im so tired
i dont want to leave my sisters with her; she definitely has an eating disorder and keeps projecting onto my sisters. i dont want my sisters to be like her at all. i just wish she never had us

 

[itsgone2]

but yesterday (or the day before i dont even know anymore) i was crying and screaming at her and she still just.. didn't react. she just told me to shut up and "stop saying things like that"

Mine doesn't care. Long story but she knows I'm alone and suicidal and that I've had attempts. Not heard from her. It's like suicide; most can't conceive of killing themselves, I'm sure most/many can't conceive of a mother that doesn't care.
It's awful though.

 

[Forever Sleep]

It's not selfish to hope our parents care about us. They should indeed care. It's the job they took on when they decided to have children- in my opinion.

I'd say maybe partly her cold response could be to do with the context. You (understandably) sounded in a heightened emotional state- crying and screaming at her. I think a lot of people simply don't want to engage with others in such a state. They may talk calmly or dismissively to try and get them to calm down.

Not that I have all that many arguments with my Dad but, I've tended to find that some things said in a more emotional tone got worse responses than those explained more rationally/ calmly.

Not that I've told my Dad outright about some of my problems or, about ideation but- I used to find what tended to work better was a more calm and rational approach.

So: This is what I'm struggling with. This is where I could do with some help. By presenting it calmly, it places less blame on them for a start. No one likes being blamed or made to feel guilty about something- even if they are to blame! By saying- this is my problem and, I'm considering this as a solution- it also looks more positive to them. Like you are taking responsibility for your life. That you are struggling but, want to get better. I think they sometimes find that easier to respond to.

I suppose it's kind of a: 'Can we work together on this? I really need your help.' Rather than a: 'I'm struggling. Why don't you care?'

You'd hope that- having struggled herself, she might have more empathy but sadly, we're all human and some people go into competition pain olympics mode. As in- they had it far worse etc.

I think sometimes you almost need to set the tone to begin with though. Tell her you need to talk about something serious and hard to listen to but, you're at the point where you are struggling to cope alone.

Is your Dad still around may I ask? Have you spoken to him about how you feel?

 

[Remy_is_tired]

Is your Dad still around may I ask? Have you spoken to him about how you feel?

he recently got a promotion and it working abroad; he is present yeah and were going to travel to see him soon

my mum told him—im not sure what exactly she told him but he called me and starting mapping out ways to calm myself

hes had some serious anger issues in the past and has frequently gotten really frustrated at my self-destructive behaviours and has sometimes just lashed out at me for just being sad

hes been trying his best to lessen these outbursts and i think hes done some significant work but i just still cant get over the fear hell yell at me again

 

[Forever Sleep]

he recently got a promotion and it working abroad; he is present yeah and were going to travel to see him soon

my mum told him—im not sure what exactly she told him but he called me and starting mapping out ways to calm myself

hes had some serious anger issues in the past and has frequently gotten really frustrated at my self-destructive behaviours and has sometimes just lashed out at me for just being sad

hes been trying his best to lessen these outbursts and i think hes done some significant work but i just still cant get over the fear hell yell at me again

I'm sorry. It seems like both parents aren't at all equipped to deal with the situation. It's understandable you would feel afraid of an angry response.

It does sound like your Mum is taking it seriously- if she is talking to your Dad about it. I suspect they do in fact care. Although, even that isn't tremendously helpful if they don't then talk in a concerned, calm and constructive manner.

Would you consider talking to a therapist? Not that I'm a huge fan but, it does sound like you are at least open to being helped. Is it something you think your parents could consider or afford? Maybe you would benefit from an outside, neutral person listening and giving their input.

I think some people do indeed care but be ill equipped to acrually help.