More and more I get the feeling I am either in a manic or mixed-manic depressive episode. It is hard to describe. I never done drugs but I have this specific feeling which feels like a manic high. I underestimated that for some time. I am not sure when I crossed the limit. So far my manic episodes always started with being awake at 5 a.m. unable to sleep because I am full of power. Seemingly my mind skipped that period(?). I am very anxious and cannot evaluate the situation. A member of my support team gave me the feedback I seem to be quite manic. It is true I was agitated, only could think about college and my responsibilities. I already made an analysis which factors contributed to that mental state. I won't share that now. This thread has a different purpose. Maybe I should meet my psychiatrist I will call her soon.
My dad phoned me some minutes ago. I ranted about it. This is why this thread will be shorter.
I considered to buy SN though once again I give councilling another shot. Told my mom and dad I might be in a manic episode. I don't know what to do. But there are signs I already crossed the red line. What will be the result of that? I doubt I will get another psychosis soon. Soon I have exams but a psychosis seems to be unplausible for me. At least at this stage. If I just keep studying my mania probably increases until the point I am relapsing by getting another psychosis. And I plan to ctb after the next one. My only alternative: taking a break from college which feels like failing so fucking much. I am already one of the oldest maybe I have to change university for that. The best thing would be my manic symptoms vanish when the exams are over. Though there are two signs that this won't happen. My sleeping rhythm is the same as during the other manic episodes. Moreover even benzos and z-medication cannot stop the manic symptoms fully. I don't know how to stop another manic or mixed-manic episode. I already predicted that something like that would happen. My (childsih) dream scenario would be becoming a monk for several months and fully concentrate on sensory deprivation. However I think maybe not even the sensory deprivation can end the mania. I will deliberate with my psychiatrist.
Maybe this ends my period without manic symptoms after 2 years. Bipolar is usually an illness that proceeds in cycles I think. So maye I am out of the game for several years. The last manias ended with psychosis and the crash into major depression with extreme psychosomatic pain. So I might have fucked up. Though I am not fully responsible college became more and more difficult. The stroke of my mom. It was all too much.
I search for the best option. I consider to buy SN in case I go on studying without taking a break. The risk of being exposed to the extreme psychosomatic pain is too high. I cannot stand that one more minute in my life.
The by far best scenario would be this is no manic episode and the symptoms fully decrease after the exams. I am anxious as fuck. Getting a stable income is essential for my survival and I failed to achieve that myriads of times. I am so fucking sick of it.
Maybe to fellow bipolar people. Have you ever been able to stop a manic epsiode which did not result in another crash or is this close to impossible? Fuck my life. It could take years to stabilize again. So maybe I will have to quit college forever. No more opportunities for a stable income is left.
I am scared about the blame game. I and maybe others will blame it on me. I will despise myself for having failed. Though I am such a mental wreck most people would never try these desperate attempts that I am doing.
My dad phoned me some minutes ago. I ranted about it. This is why this thread will be shorter.
I considered to buy SN though once again I give councilling another shot. Told my mom and dad I might be in a manic episode. I don't know what to do. But there are signs I already crossed the red line. What will be the result of that? I doubt I will get another psychosis soon. Soon I have exams but a psychosis seems to be unplausible for me. At least at this stage. If I just keep studying my mania probably increases until the point I am relapsing by getting another psychosis. And I plan to ctb after the next one. My only alternative: taking a break from college which feels like failing so fucking much. I am already one of the oldest maybe I have to change university for that. The best thing would be my manic symptoms vanish when the exams are over. Though there are two signs that this won't happen. My sleeping rhythm is the same as during the other manic episodes. Moreover even benzos and z-medication cannot stop the manic symptoms fully. I don't know how to stop another manic or mixed-manic episode. I already predicted that something like that would happen. My (childsih) dream scenario would be becoming a monk for several months and fully concentrate on sensory deprivation. However I think maybe not even the sensory deprivation can end the mania. I will deliberate with my psychiatrist.
Maybe this ends my period without manic symptoms after 2 years. Bipolar is usually an illness that proceeds in cycles I think. So maye I am out of the game for several years. The last manias ended with psychosis and the crash into major depression with extreme psychosomatic pain. So I might have fucked up. Though I am not fully responsible college became more and more difficult. The stroke of my mom. It was all too much.
I search for the best option. I consider to buy SN in case I go on studying without taking a break. The risk of being exposed to the extreme psychosomatic pain is too high. I cannot stand that one more minute in my life.
The by far best scenario would be this is no manic episode and the symptoms fully decrease after the exams. I am anxious as fuck. Getting a stable income is essential for my survival and I failed to achieve that myriads of times. I am so fucking sick of it.
Maybe to fellow bipolar people. Have you ever been able to stop a manic epsiode which did not result in another crash or is this close to impossible? Fuck my life. It could take years to stabilize again. So maybe I will have to quit college forever. No more opportunities for a stable income is left.
I am scared about the blame game. I and maybe others will blame it on me. I will despise myself for having failed. Though I am such a mental wreck most people would never try these desperate attempts that I am doing.
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