My miscellaneous ramblings until August 31st

[waistcoat]

hiya, in 70 days (august 31st) ill be taking sn and finally escaping the pain im in, this thread is just a place for me to dump my thoughts and feelings up until that date :3

i love you all sm<3
-
i guess to start it off,
i feel rlly bad about lying to everyone, like, i keep making plans for the future with people, or will mention i have plans for years down the line, but its all a lie

i chose my date, i'm not living past that date, i don't want to. the only way i will is if someone physically stops me, and that will only delay the inevitable until i am next able to

i just feel… rude? for making plans with people knowing im never going to do them, or tell people about my "plans for the future" that are all lies

do you guys this? how do you deal with it??

 

[darksouls]

I am very sorry that you are in so much pain
hope you find relief from suffering
sending you hugs and love

 

[madwoman]

I have been very non committal to future plans. I am planning for August too. I am planning / getting affairs in order for the end but also trying to improve things in my life & wondering if anything will make me really want to stay but so far most things in my life make me want to go. My sister is about to have a baby in early September and another family member too and they want me to visit in the fall and I can't even commit to that. I mean it's not just the ctb factor bc it's just my mental health is really bad so the thought of traveling and trying to be happy for my family and summoning up energy for that is a lot. But then that makes me feel worse and I don't want them to feel like I don't care but I haven't been able to be there for them bc I'm so depressed. (I live across the country from family). So it's more I blame it on mental health which is still the truth over knowing I'm planning on CTB. I don't think you should feel bad that you are making future plans bc it keeps everyone thinking things are okay. We all don't know what's guaranteed in the future anyway. Whatever makes you feel better mentally in the present is best. The people that are in your life are going to be sad if you are no longer here no matter if you make future plans or not. But I also at the same time get it, it's hard talking about the future or even spending time with people or acting like things are normal when you are planning for the end. Be kind to yourself this isn't easy. It reminds me of like white lies to spare someone's feelings.

 

[bambibambam]

hello :> i'm also planning on taking my SN in august..i'm sorry that life hasn't been nice to you. i'm also in the same boat, i keep making promises to see online friends and other future plans and i talk about it with so much enthusiasm but in reality my ctb has been weighing on my conscious for a while now. i'm glad someone else shares the same feelings as me, it really sucks :c

 

[waistcoat]

I am very sorry that you are in so much pain
hope you find relief from suffering
sending you hugs and love

thank you <3 i really wish i could carry on, but the physical pain from my illness has only gotten worse and i absolutely hate needing a walking stick just to do basic tasks :(

Whatever makes you feel better mentally in the present is best. The people that are in your life are going to be sad if you are no longer here no matter if you make future plans or not. But I also at the same time get it, it's hard talking about the future or even spending time with people or acting like things are normal when you are planning for the end. Be kind to yourself this isn't easy. It reminds me of like white lies to spare someone's feelings.

i appreciate this a lot, thank you for your kind words

hello :> i'm also planning on taking my SN in august..i'm sorry that life hasn't been nice to you. i'm also in the same boat, i keep making promises to see online friends and other future plans and i talk about it with so much enthusiasm but in reality my ctb has been weighing on my conscious for a while now. i'm glad someone else shares the same feelings as me, it really sucks :c

i'm sorry to hear we share so much in common :( i hope you're able to find peace soon <3 hugs

 

[waistcoat]

just got sexually assaulted again god i can't fucking wait to die

 

[waistcoat]

went to sleep at 01:00, woke up at 04:30 from a nightmare, need to be awake for 09:30, x-x its now 05:30 and i cant sleep

 

[bambibambam]

just got sexually assaulted again god i can't fucking wait to die

i'm so sorry, are you okay? i'm here if you ever want to chat…remember you're loved <3

 

[waistcoat]

i'm so sorry, are you okay? i'm here if you ever want to chat…remember you're loved <3

i'm mostly okay, is what it is ckxjxj
in other news, i have literally no idea if my body will even allow me to survive till the 31st. my heath is rapidly declining. like. 3 months ago i could walk, last month i started having trouble walking, the last week i have needed a cane, and i just collapsed while walking around an aquarium and had to be put in a wheelchair :(

it's. rapidly getting worse. i genuinely don't know if i will survive even if i try. fuck.

 

[ChainedCrow]

Im really sorry it had to come to this to numb your pain. Good luck with whatever u hope is in the afterlife and dont feel guilty for choosing your own peace

 

[waistcoat]

just signed a 12-month rental contract xD kinda funny, sorry to my family who's gonna have to deal with that LMAO

 

[waistcoat]

im actually so fucking done with being alive I just got sexually assulted AGAIN COME ON IT LAST HAPPENED 48H AGO BY A DIFF PERSON

 

[waistcoat]

i'm really tired of breathing

 

[Tired_birth_1967]

About the people who stay after our death: Death is a natural process and it doesn't matter when or how it happens. Who decreed that only life can bring about our own death? I wonder what goes through people's minds: "Wow!!! He died. Such a beautiful life, without illness, accidents, only happiness. How could he give up on this wonder?" The reality: an unpredictable game where you will live hoping not to suffer too much. And this does not depend on anyone's psychological state. Anyone can choose to live waiting for death, which will be inevitable and unpredictable in its form, or to go and meet it. Happy or unhappy, life doesn't care. We will die and without the slightest guarantee that it will be an easy process. Faced with this reality, we are free to choose. Who can condemn? Life? It doesn't care. People? They are just hoping that luck will be good.

 

[waistcoat]

i love you guys, you've helped me so much over the past year, i miss all of my friends who have come and gone, and ill miss all of you that stay after me, as i'm sure some will miss me

thank you for being here and providing me comfort in my final months<3

 

[waistcoat]

just nearly collapsed while walking again and had to lay down on a bench only for some fucking tourists to walk past and start insulting me for doing so

fuck you im disabled

 

[waistcoat]

i'm gonna miss my girlfriend a lot :( she's amazing, i think she'll be disappointed in me, sorry hun

 

[adoptedpain]

It's incredible that you're functioning and still able to have some sort of life - I'm trying to connect with more people for support outside of 988 / therapy and traditional methods

 

[waistcoat]

It's incredible that you're functioning and still able to have some sort of life - I'm trying to connect with more people for support outside of 988 / therapy and traditional methods

thank you ~<3 i try my best, though admittedly it's mostly out of necessity as my friends are very aware of my situation and want to keep tabs on me as much as they can

 

[waistcoat]

there's something super comforting about laying in bed, surrounded by plushies, with a really big one of my favourite animal in my arms, while my arms are wrapped in bandages,,,, i may be a lil brokey in the head ;3x

 

[waistcoat]

gwuh i really am just broken :<

the feeling of knowing ill be dead soon is fucking euphoric

my entire body just feels, lighter, a huge rush of energy and just… good… rushes through my chest.

ill be having a panic attack and then ill remind myself im dying soon and the panic attack goes away and is replaced by pure bliss and euphoria

i cant wait. soon the pain will be over. god its going to be so nice

argh i need to die soon, the anticipation is too much ckcjdjbd

 

[waistcoat]

im so excited ckcjcjc i really just can't wait

 

[waistcoat]

just got results for my degree, i got the highest possible grade, i'm happy to know i will die and no one can call me stupid

 

[waistcoat]

thinking about intentionally triggering trauma flashbacks so i feel alive ckxjxj

 

[waistcoat]

my cutting has gone from once every 2-3 days to multiple times a day and a lot worse each time… gwuh. i cant wait for the pain to end

 

[waistcoat]

once again was supposed to be doing something with a friend but i am on the verge of passing out :(

also my gf is being… very distant the past few days and my brain is going into overdrive overthinking about stuff :( guhhhh i hate being alive

 

[waistcoat]

gwuh.. friend im in an airbnb with just saw me without my hoodie on for the first time (we've been sharing the place for 2 weeks) and they saw the bandage on my arm from sh and just looked at me all sad and gave me a hug while saying my name in that sad / nurturing tone and now im slightly broken and dead

 

[waistcoat]

woke up and immediately started having a panic attack from my nightmares, still having it now but i can breathe steadily at least

 

[TBONTB]

i'm mostly okay, is what it is ckxjxj
in other news, i have literally no idea if my body will even allow me to survive till the 31st. my heath is rapidly declining. like. 3 months ago i could walk, last month i started having trouble walking, the last week i have needed a cane, and i just collapsed while walking around an aquarium and had to be put in a wheelchair :(

it's. rapidly getting worse. i genuinely don't know if i will survive even if i try. fuck.

This is so alarming. Is anyone irl helping you? What support do you need from this community?

just nearly collapsed while walking again and had to lay down on a bench only for some fucking tourists to walk past and start insulting me for doing so

fuck you im disabled

Im guessing you dont wish to share what is causing you to fall?

 

[waistcoat]

This is so alarming. Is anyone irl helping you? What support do you need from this community?

Im guessing you dont wish to share what is causing you to fall?

i have people helping me irl but there's only so much that can be done during a flareup. this community is a place i can talk and get support without judgement, it's my safe space, i have many friends here

and no not entirely,