My miscellaneous ramblings until August 31st

[waistcoat]

on a train right now, i just had a glimpse of my arm while resting and all i can think about is the peace i will feel in just under 2 months. i have literal butterflies in my stomach. i feel weightless thinking about it. it makes me so happy. it's like that feeling you get on a rollercoaster when you're floating out of your seat from a bump, the pure joy of that and the rush it gives you.

i can't wait. i'm so excited
update 40m later: still have this feeling in my stomach. i feel euphoric and broken at the same time.

i keep thinking about the people that will miss me, i think it's going to hurt them a lot. i also think after i die a few of them might stumble across this account… so if they do, hi frens, sorry, i love you, i miss you, pls don't blame yourself~<3 these past few months have been amazing, you couldn't have stopped this, nor would i have wanted you to, i've wanted this for years and i am finally free from my suffering, i love you, lots

 

[waistcoat]

trying to survive in this world is suffocating

 

[waistcoat]

the temptation to just slash the fuck out of my thighs again is high

 

[waistcoat]

hhhh why does august 31st have to be so far away :( i just want it to be over now

 

[waistcoat]

ahahahhagsgsgsgddh fuck my life i dont know why but i just told a friend about my date hhhhhhhhhhhhhh fuck fuck fuck why didi gellcthm they are going to dtop me im scared fuck
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posts will be merged cus <1h
40m later
/
my friend i tokd was ok wirh it and i dont thinj they will do anything to stop me, they are very understanding of my circumstances

i have that butterfly feeling again, im so excited, im just gonna be able to breathe, and then finally sleep, for good this time, the long sleep, i wont have to fight anymore, i wont have to be brave, i wont have to be strong, i wont have to pretend im ok, ill just, be asleep, and never wake up, and itll all be okay, and ill be okay, and safe, and happy, and warm, and cozy, and hhhh im just so excited to be able to die

 

[waistcoat]

i have booked a single night in a hotel away from the airbnb im in with my friends while travelling… i might just kms tonight idk

 

[waistcoat]

regretfully i an still alive
i am also having a huge chronic pain flareup while out with friends and hhh i jusy want to die. why does my own body hate me. this isnt fair. what the fuck have i done to deserve a body that fucking wants me to suffer

 

[EternalShore]

I'm really sorry to hear that you're in such pain rn, Waistcoat~ >_< I really hope it goes away soon and that your friends are understanding about it! :(

 

[waistcoat]

I'm really sorry to hear that you're in such pain rn, Waistcoat~ >_< I really hope it goes away soon and that your friends are understanding about it! :(

my friends are very understanding but there's not much they can do to help :( i just end up leaving social events sometimes because of the pain and i can tell it annoys them but they never say

 

[waistcoat]

i have taken enough ibuprofen today for it to be considered toxic. i am still in pain. i fucking hate this body

 

[waistcoat]

friend said "hey i saw your arm earlier, if you need me to grab you some bandages from the shop let me know" and it's really sweet but also ive been having a panic attack for the last hour about it because FUCK no one was supposed to see. i literally did it as far up my arm as i could to stop anyone from seeing but i briefly took off my hoodie and i was wearing short sleeves :(

 

[waistcoat]

you know that feeling you get after an adrenaline rush, the good feeling, the one that radiates through your whole body and makes your chest feel weightless? i get that every time i think of my soon-to-be death… i think i'm broken

 

[waistcoat]

i've always been very anti-smoking due to trauma from my parents smoking despite me begging them to stop. i tried vaping a few months ago and didn't really see the appeal, but i've just gone ahead and bought cigarettes and tried one and hooooly shit i see why people do this. my head feels so clear and relaxed for what feels like the first time in years

 

[waistcoat]

the past few days my health has decided to plummet into absolute oblivion. the person i am sharing a hotel with on my vacation was worried i was having a heart attack as i started showing all pre-cursor signs to one (chest pain, aches, etc)... fun....

honestly i think dying of 'natural' causes (my chronic health issues) would be kinda sweet, that way no one can get mad at me lol

 

[waistcoat]

crossposting my status update here for better visibility

hi all,
my health has taken a massive turn for the worst
last night we're pretty sure i nearly had a heart attack, or something very similar, 10 hours later im still experiencing the symptoms, dizziness, chest pain radiating to left arm, etc, among other things

im sending this message to let you know that if i suddenly disappear from sasu it's because my body killed me before i could kill it

i love you all,

 

[eupdplishlp]

crossposting my status update here for better visibility

hi all,
my health has taken a massive turn for the worst
last night we're pretty sure i nearly had a heart attack, or something very similar, 10 hours later im still experiencing the symptoms, dizziness, chest pain radiating to left arm, etc, among other things

im sending this message to let you know that if i suddenly disappear from sasu it's because my body killed me before i could kill it

i love you all,

I'm so sorry for your pain. This world has many cracks. it's nice your gf gave you a hug when she saw the bandages tho that's very accepting. hope to hear from u soon

 

[waistcoat]

home with my family for a few days, just went to get a glass of water, ended up nearly collapsing and smashing the glass, now my mother is extremely worried,, gwuh

 

[waistcoat]

i'm in the middle ground between wanting to live and wanting to die.
on one hand, i want to stick around to see what life has to offer, but on the other hand i just don't have the energy anymore.

every day is a such a strenuous effort to get through, with my chronic fatigue, chronic pain, and my mental disorders (DID, PTSD, cPTSD, etc...), it's just so tiring. I don't have the energy to continue anymore.

I am literally only sticking around to keep my friends happy, but that's not going to be enough to keep me around forever. I just want to give up.

 

[waistcoat]

with my girlfriend for the first time in about 2 months, moving to be much closer to her soon (from 1 day of travel to 1h) and all i can think about is my plan to die. im so excited. the relief i feel is overwhelming

 

[waistcoat]

w/ my gf irl and in a vc w/ a friend of ours and the friend talks about the UK online safty act as it came up in conversation and they started saying how "oh this is made to block the website" (i.e. sasu)....... the said it in a tone that was like "i know you use it".... i haven't told this person abt this site... wtf do i do

 

[waistcoat]

im glad my girlfriend doesnt mind my sh scars and unhealed wounds… or at least if she does she doesnt say

its nice not to be judged