My miscellaneous ramblings until August 31st

[waistcoat]

hiya, in 70 days (august 31st) ill be taking sn and finally escaping the pain im in, this thread is just a place for me to dump my thoughts and feelings up until that date :3

i love you all sm<3
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i guess to start it off,
i feel rlly bad about lying to everyone, like, i keep making plans for the future with people, or will mention i have plans for years down the line, but its all a lie

i chose my date, i'm not living past that date, i don't want to. the only way i will is if someone physically stops me, and that will only delay the inevitable until i am next able to

i just feel… rude? for making plans with people knowing im never going to do them, or tell people about my "plans for the future" that are all lies

do you guys this? how do you deal with it??

 

[darksouls]

I am very sorry that you are in so much pain
hope you find relief from suffering
sending you hugs and love

 

[madwoman8]

I have been very non committal to future plans. I am planning for August too. I am planning / getting affairs in order for the end but also trying to improve things in my life & wondering if anything will make me really want to stay but so far most things in my life make me want to go. My sister is about to have a baby in early September and another family member too and they want me to visit in the fall and I can't even commit to that. I mean it's not just the ctb factor bc it's just my mental health is really bad so the thought of traveling and trying to be happy for my family and summoning up energy for that is a lot. But then that makes me feel worse and I don't want them to feel like I don't care but I haven't been able to be there for them bc I'm so depressed. (I live across the country from family). So it's more I blame it on mental health which is still the truth over knowing I'm planning on CTB. I don't think you should feel bad that you are making future plans bc it keeps everyone thinking things are okay. We all don't know what's guaranteed in the future anyway. Whatever makes you feel better mentally in the present is best. The people that are in your life are going to be sad if you are no longer here no matter if you make future plans or not. But I also at the same time get it, it's hard talking about the future or even spending time with people or acting like things are normal when you are planning for the end. Be kind to yourself this isn't easy. It reminds me of like white lies to spare someone's feelings.

 

[bambibambam]

hello :> i'm also planning on taking my SN in august..i'm sorry that life hasn't been nice to you. i'm also in the same boat, i keep making promises to see online friends and other future plans and i talk about it with so much enthusiasm but in reality my ctb has been weighing on my conscious for a while now. i'm glad someone else shares the same feelings as me, it really sucks :c