Venting My loss of education is a good reason to ctb

[Minjas]

Going in and out of treatment from the age of 12 to 18 has left a huge impact on my overall life, especially my education.
I have, more or less, thought about suicide throughout my teenage years, going from "maybe one day" to an actual attempt, 4 of them more precisely.

While I didn't plan on living very long, I still had good days on which I made goals for the near future, one of them was a good education.
I was rejected from medical high school and got into a gymnasium instead (idk about the study program in the rest of the world but in my country it's 8 year of elementary school and 4 years of high school, after which comes university, usually at age 19).

During the first year of high school I made another attempt due to a severe depressive episode, after which I was locked up in jail aka the psych ward like a criminal for 9 very miserable months.
I didn't have contact with my family and I was underage so my whole fate was controlled by the system. I asked to finish my year while in hospital but got a stupid nonsense response.

After I got back to my hometown (31st November 2022) my generation was already a year ahead of me while I was trying to get accepted in the second semester of a medical and economic school, both were rejected without any further response.
I asked the social workers to apply a request to the country's capital for them to give me a special approval or whatever, they said they are in contact with my psychiatrist and "working on a solution".

Long story short it took them almost half a year to type a document reading "education of a child with special needs" which I received with the instruction to go with it to the country's capital. I threw it in the bin and attempted suicide again, ending up in the ward for the millionth time.

I lost my education, something that is the most important thing for most young people, therefore I lost my future. At my age I should've already been second year of university, yet I work as a domestic worker trying to earn for my living all alone at age 20, watching people my age graduate and complain about how "life is hard" all because they have the privilege to study in a university, which I would kill to have.

I cut off a friend who was complaining about her medical studies, how she will "kill herself if she fails this exam" after which I came home and threw a tantrum out of hatred and jealousy towards that bitch. I don't care if she meant it to piss me off or not, I'd rather sit with my worst enemy than to sit with her at the same table again.
She hurt me with a few words more than anyone else.

I am in first year of high school at age 20, learning online. But nothing will be able to replace the 6 years I lost and I am well behind everyone in my generation and death is easier for me than being asked the question "what did/do you study, what do you do for a living?"

I don't want to continue this anymore, I can't. I can't imagine a life without my dream career which was taken from me by my severe depressive episodes and the system. I can't imagine going on like this for 4 years until I might have a chance at university. Even then, I will never be able to work in a medical field due to my fucked up mental health and constant on-and-off (now more on) wish to die.

I am a person without future, without potential, without a chance, without worth, without support. All I know in life is this endless psychological torment and lost hopes. I don't know what I am even waiting for to ctb because I have every damn reason to do so.

 

[struggles_inc]

Writing this not to upset you. I'm currently studying Latin and there are like 4 old guys in my class. And when I say old I mean their hair is already grey and they look 60+. I understand that they're probably studying Latin for academic purposes or just leisure, not to build a future, but I'm just trying to say that it's never too late to start.

The health part is where you might be right though. While it's never too late to start, a commitment like this needs you to be stable.

I'm not sure what your relationship was with the girl who told you about her exam. I'd just like to point out that she might not have meant it to sound like she's mocking you. Some results have a lot of impact and people kill themselves sometimes because of grades. But in the moment it must have been very tone-deaf and offensive to you. Yikes.

I'm really sorry. I do hope that you find the energy to get your career through, one piece at a time, and I wish you well.

 

[Dot]

20s cn b v diffclt bcse evry1 = doin simlr thngs @ th/ sme tme s/ = easy t/ fl as tho r fallng b-hnd

Wht shws l8tr = th/ creer changs tht happn & th/ dvorces tht happn & accdnts & injries & genrl lfe circmstnces whch completly chnge ppl lves & thy hve 2 strt all ovr agn -- & tht happns 2 a *lt* of ppl in 30s 40s etc

Slf nevr thght tht slf wld evr hve a dgree - whn slf ws 21 = ws nevr on slf rdar bt whn slf turnd 34 slf ws gradu8tng wth a Mastrs -- also slf hd mny spirls whn ws in 20s of 'am goin2 b 30 b4 slf evn gradu8' & whn tht tme cme & ws nt almst as bd as slf thght -- slf dgree ws onlne & tk slf 8 yrs -- bt whn finshd ws jst fcusing on all th/ opprtuntis tht slf hd & slf stll hd plnty of tme fr creer-- espclly as ppl r nt retirng untl thy r in thr 70s

Slf prt-tme mastrs also tk 3 yrs insted of 2 bcse slf hd sevre mentl brk-dwn jst aftr startng & hd t/ strt agn 1 yr l8tr

Am nt goin2 answr whthr or nt u cn hve th/ creer tht u wantd - bt medcne & economcs r bth v diffrnt s/ hpeflly thre cld stll b a pth fr u

Nt takng awy n.e of th/ feelngs tht u hve bcse slf undrstnd th/ feelng b-hnd & hw helth & illnss kp holdng u bck - slf hve bn thru all tht also-- s/ kp feelng whtevr u nd 2 -- jst wantd 2 giv u slf perspctve & xperncs & hpe am nt invald8tng ur needng 2 vnt in n.e wy

 

[rainwillneverstop]

20s cn b v diffclt bcse evry1 = doin simlr thngs @ th/ sme tme s/ = easy t/ fl as tho r fallng b-hnd

Wht shws l8tr = th/ creer changs tht happn & th/ dvorces tht happn & accdnts & injries & genrl lfe circmstnces whch completly chnge ppl lves & thy hve 2 strt all ovr agn -- & tht happns 2 a *lt* of ppl in 30s 40s etc

Slf nevr thght tht slf wld evr hve a dgree - whn slf ws 21 = ws nevr on slf rdar bt whn slf turnd 34 slf ws gradu8tng wth a Mastrs -- also slf hd mny spirls whn ws in 20s of 'am goin2 b 30 b4 slf evn gradu8' & whn tht tme cme & ws nt almst as bd as slf thght -- slf dgree ws onlne & tk slf 8 yrs -- bt whn finshd ws jst fcusing on all th/ opprtuntis tht slf hd & slf stll hd plnty of tme fr creer-- espclly as ppl r nt retirng untl thy r in thr 70s

Am nt goin2 answr whthr or nt u cn hve th/ creer tht u wantd - bt medcne & economcs r bth v diffrnt s/ hpeflly thre cld stll b a pth fr u

Nt takng awy n.e of th/ feelngs tht u hve bcse slf undrstnd th/ feelng b-hnd & hw helth & illnss kp holdng u bck - slf hve bn thru all tht also-- s/ kp feelng whtevr u nd 2 -- jst wantd 2 giv u slf perspctve & xperncs & hpe am nt invald8tng ur needng 2 vnt in n.e wy

"translation" per request.

20's can be very difficult because everyone is doing similar things, at the same time so it's easy to feel as though are falling behind.

What shows later is the career changes that happen, the divorce that happen, accidents, injuries and general life circumstances which completely change peoples lives and they have to start all over again. And that happens to a *lot* of people.

I never though that I would ever have a degree when I was 21. It was never on my radar but when I turned 34, I was graduating with a masters. Also I had many spirals when I was in 20's and 'I'm going to be 30 before I even graduate" and when that time came, and was not almost as bad as I thought; my degree was online and took 8 years, it was just focusing on all the opportunities that I had. And still had plenty of time for career, especially as people are not retiring until they are in their 70's.

My part time masters also took 3 years instead of 2 because I had a severe mental breakdown just after starting and had to start again 1 year later.

I'm not going to answer whether or not you can have the career that you wanted, but medicine and economics are both very different so hopefully there could still be a path for you.
Not taking away any of the feelings that you have, because I understand the feeling behind and how health and illness keep holding you back. I have been through all that also, so keep feeling whatever you need to, just wanted to give you my perspective and experience and hope I am not invalidating your needing to vent in any way.

 

[Minjas]

Writing this not to upset you. I'm currently studying Latin and there are like 4 old guys in my class. And when I say old I mean their hair is already grey and they look 60+. I understand that they're probably studying Latin for academic purposes or just leisure, not to build a future, but I'm just trying to say that it's never too late to start.

The health part is where you might be right though. While it's never too late to start, a commitment like this needs you to be stable.

I'm not sure what your relationship was with the girl who told you about her exam. I'd just like to point out that she might not have meant it to sound like she's mocking you. Some results have a lot of impact and people kill themselves sometimes because of grades. But in the moment it must have been very tone-deaf and offensive to you. Yikes.

I'm really sorry. I do hope that you find the energy to get your career through, one piece at a time, and I wish you well.

Thank you for your kind words.
You're probably right about that girl, we were great until she said something which she saw as a vent and which I saw as mockery. I probably need some time to sit down and sort out my thoughts, understanding that people sometimes come off as rude to others without meaning to. There's a big chance I was her in someone else's story too at some point
Y

20s cn b v diffclt bcse evry1 = doin simlr thngs @ th/ sme tme s/ = easy t/ fl as tho r fallng b-hnd

Wht shws l8tr = th/ creer changs tht happn & th/ dvorces tht happn & accdnts & injries & genrl lfe circmstnces whch completly chnge ppl lves & thy hve 2 strt all ovr agn -- & tht happns 2 a *lt* of ppl in 30s 40s etc

Slf nevr thght tht slf wld evr hve a dgree - whn slf ws 21 = ws nevr on slf rdar bt whn slf turnd 34 slf ws gradu8tng wth a Mastrs -- also slf hd mny spirls whn ws in 20s of 'am goin2 b 30 b4 slf evn gradu8' & whn tht tme cme & ws nt almst as bd as slf thght -- slf dgree ws onlne & tk slf 8 yrs -- bt whn finshd ws jst fcusing on all th/ opprtuntis tht slf hd & slf stll hd plnty of tme fr creer-- espclly as ppl r nt retirng untl thy r in thr 70s

Slf prt-tme mastrs also tk 3 yrs insted of 2 bcse slf hd sevre mentl brk-dwn jst aftr startng & hd t/ strt agn 1 yr l8tr

Am nt goin2 answr whthr or nt u cn hve th/ creer tht u wantd - bt medcne & economcs r bth v diffrnt s/ hpeflly thre cld stll b a pth fr u

Nt takng awy n.e of th/ feelngs tht u hve bcse slf undrstnd th/ feelng b-hnd & hw helth & illnss kp holdng u bck - slf hve bn thru all tht also-- s/ kp feelng whtevr u nd 2 -- jst wantd 2 giv u slf perspctve & xperncs & hpe am nt invald8tng ur needng 2 vnt in n.e wy

You have a good point and view of life.
Thank you for sharing your story

 

[struggles_inc]

Thank you for your kind words.
You're probably right about that girl, we were great until she said something which she saw as a vent and which I saw as mockery. I probably need some time to sit down and sort out my thoughts, understanding that people sometimes come off as rude to others without meaning to. There's a big chance I was her in someone else's story too at some point
Y

You have a good point and view of life.
Thank you for sharing your story

When I was a kid, I dreamt of moving to a specific country. My parents wanted me to go elsewhere, and I eventually obeyed, forgetting my dream. Recently a girl I knew announced she's moving there, to my dream country. I was bitter and still am, it took me months to come to terms with this and convince myself that I will pave my way eventually. I really understand how you felt about it, so don't worry. We're all human at the end of the day.

 

[slitwristsbleedcold]

I'm so sorry to hear, I hope things get better for you, please stay safe ml

 

[Minjas]

When I was a kid, I dreamt of moving to a specific country. My parents wanted me to go elsewhere, and I eventually obeyed, forgetting my dream. Recently a girl I knew announced she's moving there, to my dream country. I was bitter and still am, it took me months to come to terms with this and convince myself that I will pave my way eventually. I really understand how you felt about it, so don't worry. We're all human at the end of the day.

It's a mix of jealousy and anger not necessarily towards them but towards your situation and what brought you there. Like "why not me?"….
Thank you for sharing your story

 

[Seneca65AD]

Writing this not to upset you. I'm currently studying Latin and there are like 4 old guys in my class. And when I say old I mean their hair is already grey and they look 60+. I understand that they're probably studying Latin for academic purposes or just leisure, not to build a future, but I'm just trying to say that it's never too late to start.

The health part is where you might be right though. While it's never too late to start, a commitment like this needs you to be stable.

I'm not sure what your relationship was with the girl who told you about her exam. I'd just like to point out that she might not have meant it to sound like she's mocking you. Some results have a lot of impact and people kill themselves sometimes because of grades. But in the moment it must have been very tone-deaf and offensive to you. Yikes.

I'm really sorry. I do hope that you find the energy to get your career through, one piece at a time, and I wish you well.

As a 60 year old who failed numerous times before attaining some success in my chosen career - struggles_inc is absolutely right. Age 20? High school? Don't take this the wrong way but those are rookie numbers. I have seen people go back and get their GED at age 45. Stop comparing yourself to others; your path is your own and - you will have no idea how things are going to work. Steve Jobs once said "you can only connect the dots looking backwards".

My biggest fear in posting my own experience is I do not want to minimize what you are going through. I've been there and I have frequently thought about CTB due to shame and embarrassment related to poor academic performance; but the one thing my age has given me is a crap-load of dots to connect - and you know what? Steve Jobs was right. Everything I considered a set-back in the past actually gave me an important skill that gives me an advantage in my career. Example. My classmates who were academically gifted can not relate to the ordinary person who is working 9-5 and living pay check to pay check. Because of my circumstances, not only can I relate to them, I can speak to them. And guess who sits on juries? Not the academically gifted but the ordinary jane and joe. Now, who is going to have the advantage at a jury trial? I worked construction for a year, drove truck and even bounced at a bar. And each time I went back to working on my academic pursuit.

I think your experience with mental health struggles would give you an advantage working in the medical field. I will take an expert with life experience every time over an expert who breezed through academics with ease. Perhaps, just maybe, this is a "connecting the dots" path you will see in a few years.

Look, I do not know your personal circumstances and you have no reason to give anything I say the slightest bit of credence. But I can say there are plenty of reasons to CTB in life - and I'm not sure academic failure should rank that high.

 

[Minjas]

As a 60 year old who failed numerous times before attaining some success in my chosen career - struggles_inc is absolutely right. Age 20? High school? Don't take this the wrong way but those are rookie numbers. I have seen people go back and get their GED at age 45. Stop comparing yourself to others; your path is your own and - you will have no idea how things are going to work. Steve Jobs once said "you can only connect the dots looking backwards".

My biggest fear in posting my own experience is I do not want to minimize what you are going through. I've been there and I have frequently thought about CTB due to shame and embarrassment related to poor academic performance; but the one thing my age has given me is a crap-load of dots to connect - and you know what? Steve Jobs was right. Everything I considered a set-back in the past actually gave me an important skill that gives me an advantage in my career. Example. My classmates who were academically gifted can not relate to the ordinary person who is working 9-5 and living pay check to pay check. Because of my circumstances, not only can I relate to them, I can speak to them. And guess who sits on juries? Not the academically gifted but the ordinary jane and joe. Now, who is going to have the advantage at a jury trial? I worked construction for a year, drove truck and even bounced at a bar. And each time I went back to working on my academic pursuit.

I think your experience with mental health struggles would give you an advantage working in the medical field. I will take an expert with life experience every time over an expert who breezed through academics with ease. Perhaps, just maybe, this is a "connecting the dots" path you will see in a few years.

Look, I do not know your personal circumstances and you have no reason to give anything I say the slightest bit of credence. But I can say there are plenty of reasons to CTB in life - and I'm not sure academic failure should rank that high.

Wow, thank you for taking the time to tell your story. Thank you all so much You truly made me feel less of a failure. As I read through your responses I realized that not everything is over for me as it seems. I should give it a shot before I say my life is wasted. Thank you seneca65AD, struggles_inc, slitwristsbleedcold, Dot.

I am allowed to be angry at the system, as most of us on here are, since we are more or less all victims of it. I lost my education to the system, someone lost something else minor or major, but we all lost something. What we can do is making it worth fighting for it back. I think that's what I am going to decide, before I make any major decisions like CTB.
Before I decide for a step like that, I want to be sure that there's nothing in this life left for me anymore.
My loss of education is not the only reason, but the biggest one, after severe depression I have been battling all these years. Maybe regaining it will make life easier, at least for a couple of years before I make my final decision