TheWorstLife
New Member
- Nov 8, 2025
- 2
This is going to be quite the long first post.
This is my first time in any forum of any kind, as I don't really have any interests that I would be apart of a community forum for, so I'm still figuring out how to navigate. I'll respond to any questions, insights or general interactions with this post. Any tips for trying to fix this horrible life / end it are appreciated, I just need an escape.
Main post starts here:
I was born to a narcissistic dad and a mother who was in a vulnerable situation (She is an SA survivor and my dad was the one who helped her get out of that situation. Sounds good, but my dad is a manipulator, so from what I can assume, he mostly wasn't doing this from the good of his heart, and rather as a way to keep her with him.)
While growing up, I have always had an issue being fully myself. I loved trying to take ideas from other people and make them into my own, so I would ask my dad to help me with cosmetics on characters in games, but he wouldn't usually help and just tell me to make it myself. I was always bullied for being skinny. (I still am, I am 5'9, 90-120lbs approximately, I don't have an ED to my knowledge.) Anytime I would be myself I felt put down. So I would withdraw socially.
Whilst growing up, at an extremely young age (10-12) I started finding YouTube videos of those Discord Predator Catchers and they were really entertaining. (even though I was really young and should not have been viewing that stuff.) Since I thought this was a "funny troll idea" I started to do this myself. I would make a fake discord account and go in servers with the "DMs open" channels and go pretend to be a 13 year old girl. (I was 11-12 by the way. I was pretending to be an OLDER girl.) That was the first time I had ever seen someone else's member. It has stuck with me still, it's pretty scarring seeing that when you're so young. But, I kept going. My friends would join me doing this and we would laugh and troll these people. But, the scene I was getting into would get worse.
I found MamaMax's video which basically promoted a certain unnamed website to me at 12-13. Keep in mind, I would be on Omegle and Discord still "trolling." (To keep it simple I'm going to be calling this behaviour "trolling" as to not be too graphic. (Basically I was trying to be Chris Hansen but I was a little kid and didn't do anything of note except harm my brain.) Whilst on this new website I found off this video to "troll" I would slowly see worse and worse things. I would also eventually find out about Kik and see the worst of the worst I have ever seen before I even hit the age of 16.
This is where my sexual deviancy starts. I hate describing this, but the overwhelming amount of sexual tension these chatrooms would have and the amount of people who would send horrible other things mixed in made everything a horrible chaotic mess. (Before you stop reading thinking I am going to describe anything or that I have engaged in watching illegal content for pleasure, no. I was under 16, and at the time, starting to become a man and you know what that comes with, and I would look for older women for, well, you know.)
During one of the worst periods, I was setting up a MEET with a random person (they ended up being a scam lol.) over a chatroom. I was naive and horny, and sent my thing. Afterwards, I felt disgusted with myself after realizing what I was doing and couldn't eat for a whole day or more. But, I still had Kik. I still went into those chatrooms chatting with weird people for whatever reason. (By the way, for context, this is during COVID. No school, nothing to do. Worst period of life ever.) I have done horrible sexually deviant things, and I now believe I am an unredeemable asshole. Sexual pleasure is one of the only things that bring me any sort of pleasure. I try to stop, and it gets worse. (I would consider myself hypersexual, but I don't like self diagnosing. Also, I will only be retelling the worst instances of this that actually contributed to stacking onto my already bad mental health.)
Instance 1: I got a crush on an E-GIRL, since I was so lonely, completely ruined myself from getting friendzoned over fucking Discord. Yes, I am a loser.
Instance 2 (This happened when I lived with my friend) : First time having sex. It was a random girl, we went to a park, I fucked her, didn't cum because it was the most uncomfortable, embarrassing and stupid thing I have ever done. My "friend" spread a rumour that I had sex with a NINTH GRADER. (She was 15, I was 16..)
Instance 3: My ex. It wasn't love. It was desperation. I just needed somebody since I was lonely. (This is when I moved down south with my mom ALONE which I will describe shortly.)
My life would become way worse however, as if traumatizing myself with seeing horrible graphic things, and not being able to live with myself anymore after seeing all of that, wasn't bad enough, since this is when I would begin smoking weed. I was curious and would watch videos on it. Eventually, after the passing of my grandfather, my father would go through it the worst. At the burial, I smoked weed for the first time at age 15. I would continue to smoke mostly daily all the way until now. The detrimental part? The psychosis. The extra unneeded anxiety. It was horrible sometimes, but weed was the only thing making me happy after a certain point.
I had a horrible time smoking one time, where I thought people in my game were watching me and trying to see what I was doing. I thought they were on my computer messing with my music, watching me. I thought they were on my phone, watching me.
This was also a little before we all moved our entire lives into a single trailer in the woods. Imagine how lonely it might've been for me during COVID. (I literally sat in my room 24/7.) Now quadruple it and stick me in a tiny box with my sister. (I haven't brought her up because she doesn't have anything to do with the horrible parts of my life.) I had zero privacy, yet I was completely alone. Me and my sister weren't getting along because we were super crabby. We didn't want to be living there. This is when my sleeplessness got a lot worse. (It was bad during the Kik period, but it got worse.) My mom would wake me up early for no reason sometimes too, so I would just be extra exhausted and extra sleep deprived.
My sexual deviance never ceased, it probably got worse considering I couldn't do anything because all of my belongings were in boxes. I hated living, so my dad thought since I was depressed he would give me magic mushrooms. At age 15-16. I still hated life. It didn't magically change my perception of life. All it did was fry my growing brain a little more.
Now, we get into the couch surfing era. I moved back to my hometown, without a stanle place to stay. I stayed at my uncle's in an adjacent town, and then another one of my uncles'. I stayed in the city, went to school, made music. Probably my happiest era, even though I was still super depressed. I had no friends basically and nothing to live for. Then we got kicked out. Apparently, it was something my mom said, or maybe my sister being difficult, I'm not too sure. I lived at ANOTHER uncles' (I have 9.) and it was fine, but he does drugs. Hard ones. So, he flipped out one time and I had to quickly leave, leaving behind most of my clothes and other stuff. After that, I lived with only my dad and my sister in another adjacent city. Once again, it was shit. No friends, nothing to live for. Only weed. I tried shrooms again around that time, nothing too crazy happened, but the crazy part is what happened when I left. I went to go hangout with my buddy for the first time in a long time, to get myself out of the house, etc.. My sister was left there alone with my father. Now, I'm not too sure what happened but from what I know, my dad tackled my sister onto her bed for her phone for no reason. I went back there and got her, and we stayed at my friends'. We wouldn't go back. My dad would begin taking heavy drugs and find a friend. Keep this friend in mind. While living at my friends, many things happened. Most notably was a new friend group which soon became obsolete after a certain incident. (As seen above.)
After this, I got kicked out around November, before I could finish my school semester, setting me back even further, considering when COVID started, I didn't go to school for like 2-3 years after that. I was in shambles, so I went back with my mom ALONE down south. I had my own little humble abode in a trailer and it was cozy. When I first got there I actually felt somewhat happy. Not fully, but I felt hopeful enough to be considered not depressed at least for the first two weeks. (Not clinically, just saying from my perspective.) But then, the loneliness hit again. The sexual deviance came back. It was horrible. All I did was sit in a box making music, gaming, gooning and doing nothing. I was valueless. I brought nothing. I had the worst sleep schedule I had ever had in my life.
Eventually, through my sexual deviance, coincidentally enough, I found a girlfriend. She was the only person I talked to, considering it was just that lonely. Did I love her? I'm not even sure. I can't tell. I don't know what real love is. I just needed somebody. But even though I was in a talking stage with her, I would do my deviant things. Essentially cheating. Like I said, I'm an unredeemable asshole and I can't even really stop myself. I did feel bad, and I was able to stop, but I felt horrible. When me and that girl met, she was overly affectionate when we were alone.
Afterwards, she dumped me for being immature, but first she had to keep it from me, and delete my comments saying how she was my girl on her TikTok. She kept this from me for God knows how long. That hurt, but it didn't feel nearly as bad as I thought. In fact, I was somewhat joyous. I immediately went back to my bad habits.
A few more lonely months after, I move BACK out. I go to my grandma's who is bipolar. This will play a role. When living there sometimes she would be overly nice. But then, almost straight up rude at other times. I hated it. It felt like gambling when asking her things. I was still a disgusting deviant and I was probably not doing enough. My sleep schedule was still horrendous. One time, I got up to hand out resumes after an hour or two of sleep or less, but I had a horrible panic attack. My first one. I looked in the mirror and I was truly scared. I was laughing and crying simultaneously. I felt insane. I was then put into a minor's psych ward for 2-3 days. I just acted content to get out. They didn't help for shit. I got counseling after which just made my life more stressful. Balancing all the dates of appointments and calls for hospital referrals. Struggling to find a job, not even knowing what I'm doing with my life and still being a degenerate while feeling like I can't stop. All of these problems I have that I just cannot talk about. Anyways, I got kicked out right before my birthday. People think she is the villain, but I feel like I am but I'm not taking the blame like I should. I don't do enough. I am now living with my dad's friend.
When moving here, I was 17. I was pretty sad but not completely hopeless. Within a couple months of moving here, my mental health has gotten a lot worse, but I don't want help. It can't be helped. It must be killed. I'm not myself, I'm just a fucking loser who can't do anything to control his life. I wasted the money I got from my dad on almost strictly food and weed. I was going hungry though, so I had to buy food.
Let's fast forward to now. I am broke. I have nothing I own. I am still a deviant. (Although, I am trying to get better with that.) I have the fear that the second hand smoke from the meth/crack or whatever the fuck they smoke here is affecting my brain. I am way more anxious and paranoid than usual. I just turned 18 and it feels like my libido doubled which makes my issue way worse and I feel extra shitty for it. I can't get a job because I popped my bike tire and I'm now 30 minutes away from the city. I can't get welfare because my dad is procrastinating. He has to do ONE thing for me to be able to set it up but he's a junkie. I'm also a lazy fuck. I don't give a fuck what happens to me anymore.
My life feels like it just keeps getting worse. It's my fault too. Like yesterday, I was doing sexual deviant things and got posted on a story. I had someone I met in real life ask me what that's about. I'm realizing my actions are observable and have consequences because I've been in solitude for so long. I met up with my friend foe the first time in like a month or two since he got his license suspended. I swear he hinted at what I did and I'm not going crazy. We were going to go snowboarding but after I smoked some weed even though I didn't sleep, I became out of it. The delusions I have got so bad I believed them all for a moment. My friend and his brother noticed I was out of it and said I should take a nap in his truck so I tried. That's when it got genuinely scary. My phone was buzzing or something and it made a weird sound which started making me tweak. I was scared that my life was over. I thought I was dying or dead. I thought that I was getting laced from my dad's friend. (She hooks me up with weed sometimes but I am skeptical sometimes.) I got up and tried to collect myself.
I honestly don't even care that I got kinda exposed, because I am on a path of ultimate self destruction. The true ultimate self destruction is death, though. I'm just too scared. I have wanted to die since I was like 14. I used to bang my head on walls before my mom started getting worried so I stopped. I just don't want people to care about me anymore. They shouldn't care about me, they don't need to. I want people to hate me so I have more reason to die. I need to make myself do it at this point. Maybe I should make this situation worse for myself.
I KNOW my friend knows what I did, I just can't prove it. I can't bring it up. I just can't.
Anyways, my friend took me out to eat since I was really really hungry and then afterwards I slept. It's literally the next morning from that and I think I'm slightly derealizing or something? Depersonalization? Serotonin syndrome? I'm not sure all I know is that the weird feeling is lingering. It's like when I did the red door yellow door game with my sister and saw the "hatman". For a while after that, I felt haunted in my own mind. It's sort of the same except not an entity, it's just an overwhelming FEELING. It's not something I can materialize into something, like hatman. I don't know if I'm at risk for schizophrenia or what not. (I probably am, there is many mental disorders/illnesses on both sides of my family.)
That's where I'm gonna wrap this up. I am leaving out lots of delusions/beliefs/ideas (idk) I've had. A lot of thats is wondering if I have certain mental conditions or physical health issues, it doesn't matter as much as the rest, I feel.
Anyways, this is why I hate myself, life and everything else. I hope that one day I can grow past this, but right now it feels like I'm growing directly into this. I'm getting worse. I'm not healthy. I need to die. I need to cease. I can't keep up with my own wants and needs. I just want to peacefully die because I think I'm slowly going crazier and crazier.
This is my first time in any forum of any kind, as I don't really have any interests that I would be apart of a community forum for, so I'm still figuring out how to navigate. I'll respond to any questions, insights or general interactions with this post. Any tips for trying to fix this horrible life / end it are appreciated, I just need an escape.
Main post starts here:
I was born to a narcissistic dad and a mother who was in a vulnerable situation (She is an SA survivor and my dad was the one who helped her get out of that situation. Sounds good, but my dad is a manipulator, so from what I can assume, he mostly wasn't doing this from the good of his heart, and rather as a way to keep her with him.)
While growing up, I have always had an issue being fully myself. I loved trying to take ideas from other people and make them into my own, so I would ask my dad to help me with cosmetics on characters in games, but he wouldn't usually help and just tell me to make it myself. I was always bullied for being skinny. (I still am, I am 5'9, 90-120lbs approximately, I don't have an ED to my knowledge.) Anytime I would be myself I felt put down. So I would withdraw socially.
Whilst growing up, at an extremely young age (10-12) I started finding YouTube videos of those Discord Predator Catchers and they were really entertaining. (even though I was really young and should not have been viewing that stuff.) Since I thought this was a "funny troll idea" I started to do this myself. I would make a fake discord account and go in servers with the "DMs open" channels and go pretend to be a 13 year old girl. (I was 11-12 by the way. I was pretending to be an OLDER girl.) That was the first time I had ever seen someone else's member. It has stuck with me still, it's pretty scarring seeing that when you're so young. But, I kept going. My friends would join me doing this and we would laugh and troll these people. But, the scene I was getting into would get worse.
I found MamaMax's video which basically promoted a certain unnamed website to me at 12-13. Keep in mind, I would be on Omegle and Discord still "trolling." (To keep it simple I'm going to be calling this behaviour "trolling" as to not be too graphic. (Basically I was trying to be Chris Hansen but I was a little kid and didn't do anything of note except harm my brain.) Whilst on this new website I found off this video to "troll" I would slowly see worse and worse things. I would also eventually find out about Kik and see the worst of the worst I have ever seen before I even hit the age of 16.
This is where my sexual deviancy starts. I hate describing this, but the overwhelming amount of sexual tension these chatrooms would have and the amount of people who would send horrible other things mixed in made everything a horrible chaotic mess. (Before you stop reading thinking I am going to describe anything or that I have engaged in watching illegal content for pleasure, no. I was under 16, and at the time, starting to become a man and you know what that comes with, and I would look for older women for, well, you know.)
During one of the worst periods, I was setting up a MEET with a random person (they ended up being a scam lol.) over a chatroom. I was naive and horny, and sent my thing. Afterwards, I felt disgusted with myself after realizing what I was doing and couldn't eat for a whole day or more. But, I still had Kik. I still went into those chatrooms chatting with weird people for whatever reason. (By the way, for context, this is during COVID. No school, nothing to do. Worst period of life ever.) I have done horrible sexually deviant things, and I now believe I am an unredeemable asshole. Sexual pleasure is one of the only things that bring me any sort of pleasure. I try to stop, and it gets worse. (I would consider myself hypersexual, but I don't like self diagnosing. Also, I will only be retelling the worst instances of this that actually contributed to stacking onto my already bad mental health.)
Instance 1: I got a crush on an E-GIRL, since I was so lonely, completely ruined myself from getting friendzoned over fucking Discord. Yes, I am a loser.
Instance 2 (This happened when I lived with my friend) : First time having sex. It was a random girl, we went to a park, I fucked her, didn't cum because it was the most uncomfortable, embarrassing and stupid thing I have ever done. My "friend" spread a rumour that I had sex with a NINTH GRADER. (She was 15, I was 16..)
Instance 3: My ex. It wasn't love. It was desperation. I just needed somebody since I was lonely. (This is when I moved down south with my mom ALONE which I will describe shortly.)
My life would become way worse however, as if traumatizing myself with seeing horrible graphic things, and not being able to live with myself anymore after seeing all of that, wasn't bad enough, since this is when I would begin smoking weed. I was curious and would watch videos on it. Eventually, after the passing of my grandfather, my father would go through it the worst. At the burial, I smoked weed for the first time at age 15. I would continue to smoke mostly daily all the way until now. The detrimental part? The psychosis. The extra unneeded anxiety. It was horrible sometimes, but weed was the only thing making me happy after a certain point.
I had a horrible time smoking one time, where I thought people in my game were watching me and trying to see what I was doing. I thought they were on my computer messing with my music, watching me. I thought they were on my phone, watching me.
This was also a little before we all moved our entire lives into a single trailer in the woods. Imagine how lonely it might've been for me during COVID. (I literally sat in my room 24/7.) Now quadruple it and stick me in a tiny box with my sister. (I haven't brought her up because she doesn't have anything to do with the horrible parts of my life.) I had zero privacy, yet I was completely alone. Me and my sister weren't getting along because we were super crabby. We didn't want to be living there. This is when my sleeplessness got a lot worse. (It was bad during the Kik period, but it got worse.) My mom would wake me up early for no reason sometimes too, so I would just be extra exhausted and extra sleep deprived.
My sexual deviance never ceased, it probably got worse considering I couldn't do anything because all of my belongings were in boxes. I hated living, so my dad thought since I was depressed he would give me magic mushrooms. At age 15-16. I still hated life. It didn't magically change my perception of life. All it did was fry my growing brain a little more.
Now, we get into the couch surfing era. I moved back to my hometown, without a stanle place to stay. I stayed at my uncle's in an adjacent town, and then another one of my uncles'. I stayed in the city, went to school, made music. Probably my happiest era, even though I was still super depressed. I had no friends basically and nothing to live for. Then we got kicked out. Apparently, it was something my mom said, or maybe my sister being difficult, I'm not too sure. I lived at ANOTHER uncles' (I have 9.) and it was fine, but he does drugs. Hard ones. So, he flipped out one time and I had to quickly leave, leaving behind most of my clothes and other stuff. After that, I lived with only my dad and my sister in another adjacent city. Once again, it was shit. No friends, nothing to live for. Only weed. I tried shrooms again around that time, nothing too crazy happened, but the crazy part is what happened when I left. I went to go hangout with my buddy for the first time in a long time, to get myself out of the house, etc.. My sister was left there alone with my father. Now, I'm not too sure what happened but from what I know, my dad tackled my sister onto her bed for her phone for no reason. I went back there and got her, and we stayed at my friends'. We wouldn't go back. My dad would begin taking heavy drugs and find a friend. Keep this friend in mind. While living at my friends, many things happened. Most notably was a new friend group which soon became obsolete after a certain incident. (As seen above.)
After this, I got kicked out around November, before I could finish my school semester, setting me back even further, considering when COVID started, I didn't go to school for like 2-3 years after that. I was in shambles, so I went back with my mom ALONE down south. I had my own little humble abode in a trailer and it was cozy. When I first got there I actually felt somewhat happy. Not fully, but I felt hopeful enough to be considered not depressed at least for the first two weeks. (Not clinically, just saying from my perspective.) But then, the loneliness hit again. The sexual deviance came back. It was horrible. All I did was sit in a box making music, gaming, gooning and doing nothing. I was valueless. I brought nothing. I had the worst sleep schedule I had ever had in my life.
Eventually, through my sexual deviance, coincidentally enough, I found a girlfriend. She was the only person I talked to, considering it was just that lonely. Did I love her? I'm not even sure. I can't tell. I don't know what real love is. I just needed somebody. But even though I was in a talking stage with her, I would do my deviant things. Essentially cheating. Like I said, I'm an unredeemable asshole and I can't even really stop myself. I did feel bad, and I was able to stop, but I felt horrible. When me and that girl met, she was overly affectionate when we were alone.
Afterwards, she dumped me for being immature, but first she had to keep it from me, and delete my comments saying how she was my girl on her TikTok. She kept this from me for God knows how long. That hurt, but it didn't feel nearly as bad as I thought. In fact, I was somewhat joyous. I immediately went back to my bad habits.
A few more lonely months after, I move BACK out. I go to my grandma's who is bipolar. This will play a role. When living there sometimes she would be overly nice. But then, almost straight up rude at other times. I hated it. It felt like gambling when asking her things. I was still a disgusting deviant and I was probably not doing enough. My sleep schedule was still horrendous. One time, I got up to hand out resumes after an hour or two of sleep or less, but I had a horrible panic attack. My first one. I looked in the mirror and I was truly scared. I was laughing and crying simultaneously. I felt insane. I was then put into a minor's psych ward for 2-3 days. I just acted content to get out. They didn't help for shit. I got counseling after which just made my life more stressful. Balancing all the dates of appointments and calls for hospital referrals. Struggling to find a job, not even knowing what I'm doing with my life and still being a degenerate while feeling like I can't stop. All of these problems I have that I just cannot talk about. Anyways, I got kicked out right before my birthday. People think she is the villain, but I feel like I am but I'm not taking the blame like I should. I don't do enough. I am now living with my dad's friend.
When moving here, I was 17. I was pretty sad but not completely hopeless. Within a couple months of moving here, my mental health has gotten a lot worse, but I don't want help. It can't be helped. It must be killed. I'm not myself, I'm just a fucking loser who can't do anything to control his life. I wasted the money I got from my dad on almost strictly food and weed. I was going hungry though, so I had to buy food.
Let's fast forward to now. I am broke. I have nothing I own. I am still a deviant. (Although, I am trying to get better with that.) I have the fear that the second hand smoke from the meth/crack or whatever the fuck they smoke here is affecting my brain. I am way more anxious and paranoid than usual. I just turned 18 and it feels like my libido doubled which makes my issue way worse and I feel extra shitty for it. I can't get a job because I popped my bike tire and I'm now 30 minutes away from the city. I can't get welfare because my dad is procrastinating. He has to do ONE thing for me to be able to set it up but he's a junkie. I'm also a lazy fuck. I don't give a fuck what happens to me anymore.
My life feels like it just keeps getting worse. It's my fault too. Like yesterday, I was doing sexual deviant things and got posted on a story. I had someone I met in real life ask me what that's about. I'm realizing my actions are observable and have consequences because I've been in solitude for so long. I met up with my friend foe the first time in like a month or two since he got his license suspended. I swear he hinted at what I did and I'm not going crazy. We were going to go snowboarding but after I smoked some weed even though I didn't sleep, I became out of it. The delusions I have got so bad I believed them all for a moment. My friend and his brother noticed I was out of it and said I should take a nap in his truck so I tried. That's when it got genuinely scary. My phone was buzzing or something and it made a weird sound which started making me tweak. I was scared that my life was over. I thought I was dying or dead. I thought that I was getting laced from my dad's friend. (She hooks me up with weed sometimes but I am skeptical sometimes.) I got up and tried to collect myself.
I honestly don't even care that I got kinda exposed, because I am on a path of ultimate self destruction. The true ultimate self destruction is death, though. I'm just too scared. I have wanted to die since I was like 14. I used to bang my head on walls before my mom started getting worried so I stopped. I just don't want people to care about me anymore. They shouldn't care about me, they don't need to. I want people to hate me so I have more reason to die. I need to make myself do it at this point. Maybe I should make this situation worse for myself.
I KNOW my friend knows what I did, I just can't prove it. I can't bring it up. I just can't.
Anyways, my friend took me out to eat since I was really really hungry and then afterwards I slept. It's literally the next morning from that and I think I'm slightly derealizing or something? Depersonalization? Serotonin syndrome? I'm not sure all I know is that the weird feeling is lingering. It's like when I did the red door yellow door game with my sister and saw the "hatman". For a while after that, I felt haunted in my own mind. It's sort of the same except not an entity, it's just an overwhelming FEELING. It's not something I can materialize into something, like hatman. I don't know if I'm at risk for schizophrenia or what not. (I probably am, there is many mental disorders/illnesses on both sides of my family.)
That's where I'm gonna wrap this up. I am leaving out lots of delusions/beliefs/ideas (idk) I've had. A lot of thats is wondering if I have certain mental conditions or physical health issues, it doesn't matter as much as the rest, I feel.
Anyways, this is why I hate myself, life and everything else. I hope that one day I can grow past this, but right now it feels like I'm growing directly into this. I'm getting worse. I'm not healthy. I need to die. I need to cease. I can't keep up with my own wants and needs. I just want to peacefully die because I think I'm slowly going crazier and crazier.
