I have a supportive family, environment, .etc.
It doesn't fucking matter.
Due to my ugly brain and mental illness, when I was hospitalized for a fever, my parents there, but it didn't matter.
I suffered mentally extensively, even with them by my hand.
People don't understand loneliness. I even had parents who cared for me, with a connection, and yet the loneliness is that they could not penetrate this box of evil that engulfed me.
To put it simply, I have this dark feeling, a sensation which is hard to describe, I can only describe it as hopelessness incarnate.
When I have simple problems like a fever, like a headache even, it sometimes begins to emerge.
And when it hits, the agony is so intense you'd rather kill yourself.
I never heard of people with a sensation like mine, because mine acts almost like a migraine. It hits in an active way, not just passive.
But sadly the extreme mental torment that is unique to me, is not the only problem in my life. Unfortunately in addition to that I am mentally ill, depressed, suffer from intrusive thoughts all the time, without energy for anything, and more.
Honestly the hopelessness migraine thing I described is a phenomena that by itself is enough to justify suicide, it's like being tortured in captivity, you just rather die than have to go through it. But it's not the only thing.
My philosophy has been warped by my suffering. The thing is, I believe in an afterlife. I firmly believe in it, though my real doubt is in what happens in it. To all Abrahamic religions there is so called justice-making.
Despite the possibility of hell, I long wanted to die, asking god for mercy, and that he may send me to the ground in which I belong. I have no sympathy for my own life, I view myself as less than a dog in terms of dignity, less than cattle meat. What I do care about is my consciousness.
I can't bring myself to kill myself through hanging, as it's almost necessarily a hell sentence in the afterlife, so instead, I just keep praying that something kills me. At most, I consider going through euthanasia in the future in some country that supports it.
The thing is, my life is okay, except for my brain. My brain counteracts whatever kindness and joy I could have felt had I not been genetically broken. It gives me depression in the sunlight, loneliness in the face of a loving family, it makes the sun look like an oven for the condemned rather than a source of heat and life. Everything is fine in my life except for my brain, which seeks to torture me, quite literally at times, and technology has not yet solved the cause of psychiatric predicaments. So I'm not willing to wait for 30 years for some invention.
To cut it short, if I was killed, I wouldn't give a fuck. I'd probably be thankful.
It doesn't fucking matter.
Due to my ugly brain and mental illness, when I was hospitalized for a fever, my parents there, but it didn't matter.
I suffered mentally extensively, even with them by my hand.
People don't understand loneliness. I even had parents who cared for me, with a connection, and yet the loneliness is that they could not penetrate this box of evil that engulfed me.
To put it simply, I have this dark feeling, a sensation which is hard to describe, I can only describe it as hopelessness incarnate.
When I have simple problems like a fever, like a headache even, it sometimes begins to emerge.
And when it hits, the agony is so intense you'd rather kill yourself.
I never heard of people with a sensation like mine, because mine acts almost like a migraine. It hits in an active way, not just passive.
But sadly the extreme mental torment that is unique to me, is not the only problem in my life. Unfortunately in addition to that I am mentally ill, depressed, suffer from intrusive thoughts all the time, without energy for anything, and more.
Honestly the hopelessness migraine thing I described is a phenomena that by itself is enough to justify suicide, it's like being tortured in captivity, you just rather die than have to go through it. But it's not the only thing.
My philosophy has been warped by my suffering. The thing is, I believe in an afterlife. I firmly believe in it, though my real doubt is in what happens in it. To all Abrahamic religions there is so called justice-making.
Despite the possibility of hell, I long wanted to die, asking god for mercy, and that he may send me to the ground in which I belong. I have no sympathy for my own life, I view myself as less than a dog in terms of dignity, less than cattle meat. What I do care about is my consciousness.
I can't bring myself to kill myself through hanging, as it's almost necessarily a hell sentence in the afterlife, so instead, I just keep praying that something kills me. At most, I consider going through euthanasia in the future in some country that supports it.
The thing is, my life is okay, except for my brain. My brain counteracts whatever kindness and joy I could have felt had I not been genetically broken. It gives me depression in the sunlight, loneliness in the face of a loving family, it makes the sun look like an oven for the condemned rather than a source of heat and life. Everything is fine in my life except for my brain, which seeks to torture me, quite literally at times, and technology has not yet solved the cause of psychiatric predicaments. So I'm not willing to wait for 30 years for some invention.
To cut it short, if I was killed, I wouldn't give a fuck. I'd probably be thankful.
