I never thought I'd make it past 18, so I chose to not go to college. And I never made proper provisions for my life. Now I'm here and I'm just so behind. I don't know what I'm doing with my life.
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Mr2005
Don't shoot the messenger, give me the gun
- Sep 25, 2018
- 3,621
Dropped out of college when I was 17, chose not to go back when I was 19. That was my last chance, I'm now 35 so yes I can relate.
Why did you drop out? And what are you doing now in terms of your occupation?
Mr2005
Don't shoot the messenger, give me the gun
- Sep 25, 2018
- 3,621
I dropped out because I was too busy smoking weed and I'm still too busy smoking weed. My problem is I thought I had all the time in the world
Why do you smoke so much? How do you support yourself financially, unless you're with your parents?
bed
CTBed
- Aug 24, 2019
- 919
Yes. I never went to college, I never got my driver's license, I've never had a job. I assumed I'd be dead after high school, so I sat in my room all day on the computer for a few years. Finally tried to ctb in a poor attempt and it didn't work. Tried a few more times over the years. Now i'm 26. There really is no redemption for me at this age, nor do i have the energy anymore. I've tried to get better with therapy and meds and nothing really has helped. I really wish I never lived this long, especially with having chronic pain for the last few years which has really ruined my life more than i ever thought.
I feel so pathetic.
I feel so pathetic.
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Mr2005
Don't shoot the messenger, give me the gun
- Sep 25, 2018
- 3,621
The more I say the worse it gets. I think I'll leave it there unless the answers are going to help you in some way
Pluto
Cat Extremist
- Dec 27, 2020
- 4,842
When we talk about being behind, life isn't necessarily a race and those who later go through divorces or other breakdowns can end up in the worst place of all. Some people find a purpose that does not involve keeping up with the Joneses. I certainly tried to do that.
That said, because I was a suicidal wreck of a teenager when making choices about the direction of my life, I struggled to commit to anything and lacked mentoring. It has gone about as well as you'd expect.
That said, because I was a suicidal wreck of a teenager when making choices about the direction of my life, I struggled to commit to anything and lacked mentoring. It has gone about as well as you'd expect.
Peaceisnear
Love it when I die slow
- Oct 7, 2021
- 33
I can so relate I am 19 now but I never thought I'd make it past 18. It's a whole miracle I am still alive not for long though lol
eternalmelancholy
waiting for the bus
- Mar 24, 2021
- 1,169
That's one of the real life consequences of depression and suicidal thoughts. You just standby and watch your life fall to shambles because you don't see the point. Then one day you wake up and find yourself a decade behind your peers with no real hope of catching up.
The start of every new year I think this is my final year on this hell. But as each year comes to an end I find myself sad and frustrated that I am still here. I am so desperate by this point.
The start of every new year I think this is my final year on this hell. But as each year comes to an end I find myself sad and frustrated that I am still here. I am so desperate by this point.
BrokenHopes
What doesn't kill you, f*cks you up.
- Nov 27, 2019
- 162
Yes I can relate. When I was a teenager I was in a real bad place and selfdestructive. Never thought I would get old, never understood I could actually set up goals and work towards them. My thinking was not right and I was busy surviving.
Now Im 34 and I feel I don't have the energy to do the enormous work necessary. I have made a little progress but I am exhausted. The anxiety of being so far behind is difficult to manage as well.
Now Im 34 and I feel I don't have the energy to do the enormous work necessary. I have made a little progress but I am exhausted. The anxiety of being so far behind is difficult to manage as well.
Mr2005
Don't shoot the messenger, give me the gun
- Sep 25, 2018
- 3,621
I don't see my parents, I'm on benefits and because I'm addicted
FuneralCry
Just wanting some peace
- Sep 24, 2020
- 42,492
I also never thought I would live this long, in less than 2 months I will be 21. I have been suicidal since I was very young. I regret not ctb at an earlier age. There is no future for me. In my case, I want nothing to do with life and even if I wanted to live, I simply couldn't. I am not meant for this world. All I want to do is fall asleep and never wake again.
moonchild
Student
- May 8, 2020
- 125
Same here. At one point I thought maybe it's not the end of the world that I'm so behind, because it's not like I'm old and surely I can catch up. But it's like every year feels like my last and I really can't catch up. Partially because I'm so very behind and everyone else is obviously also moving forward, but I think it's p mainly because I can't even imagine myself more than a year into the future.
Like, where am I supposed to find the energy for fixing my life (and "catching up") if I expect to be dead within a year?
eternalmelancholy
waiting for the bus
- Mar 24, 2021
- 1,169
I think at some point the only options left is ctb or endure a lifetime of misery. You can only mess up so many times before it is impossible to get back on track. Especially if you mess up during your crucial 20s when you are supposed to lay the foundation down for the rest of your life.
People like to pretend that you can just bounce back at any point in your life. We all know this isn't true.
I relate. I'm 28, no social existence, no finances, and no future. I messed up as well because somewhere deep inside at 14 I knew I wasn't going to live past a certain age however I made mistake after mistake part of it is focusing more on dating/sex when I should have been focusing on finances and moving out. Abused alcohol ages 23-28. Doomed
eternalmelancholy
waiting for the bus
- Mar 24, 2021
- 1,169
I am in the same boat. Late 20s is when people should have their affairs in order. That is when most people are building their careers, discovering their passions, buying their first homes and starting families.
Life for normal people is such a different experience than what we have to go through. They will never get why we want to ctb. Trying to catch up when you are 10 years behind and dealing with intrusive suicidal urges is impossible. If you had that ability you would have never fallen so far behind in the first place.
We are merely starting to reap what we have sowed earlier in life. You cannot fight the laws of causality. You are just a passenger on this horrific ride to an eventual grave. Life is not a gift it is the worst curse imaginable.
Very very true. it is incredibly awful seeing you been left behind in the race. I'm sorry you share this same awful fate. It's staring me right in the eyes on a silver platter.
I see no future because I know I have none. It's an incredibly empty existence.
eternalmelancholy
waiting for the bus
- Mar 24, 2021
- 1,169
The worst part is you clearly see what the future lies ahead. After a certain point coping, excuses and naivete all start to fade away. All you are left with is bitter resentment and no hope. CTB is saving yourself from further hardships. Normal people will never get it. How could they.
Yes they can never understand. It's so hard and scary. My biggest fear is being 40 no husband, no kids, living with regret working a meaningless job and lonely going to an empty apartment , or homeless. I'm terrified for the future. I don't know what to do :( I'm so scared
eternalmelancholy
waiting for the bus
- Mar 24, 2021
- 1,169
I see people who are old and frail still working shitty jobs meant for teenagers. It is very clear they are in poor health and most likely single. I do not want to become like this. Life CAN ALWAYS get worse. Even if you think you already hit rock bottom. There is no such thing as rock bottom.
You are either faced with the uncertainty of just how bad life can get or having to fight your core instincts to ctb. Both are such shitty options. None of us deserve this. This is literal hell.
ikadasui
Arcanist
- May 29, 2018
- 464
Exact same. My depression also killed my brain function to the point I can't even remember how to type properly anymore. I also destroyed my mouth with an ed so I can't smile and live every day in constant pain along with the shame. I wish I had ended it years ago because then I at least would of had people to grieve me.
You are SO right! This is hell and torture and torment!
it's so scary. That's another fear being extremely poor unhealthy and miserable and lonely. That is AWFUL
eternalmelancholy
waiting for the bus
- Mar 24, 2021
- 1,169
I always thought I could ctb when the time was right. But with each failed attempt I am not so sure anymore. The years keep on coming and going but I am still stuck in this purgatory. Just waiting around for death is no way to live.
Antigonish
Mage
- Sep 19, 2020
- 593
My life to the t. When people ask me what do you imagine you'd be doing now when you were younger. I'm pretty much like decaying.
That is awful. I'm sorry you're suffering in pain @eternalmelancholy
it's incredibly hard to do as I attempted as well once and was in incredible fear and petrified.
ikadasui
Arcanist
- May 29, 2018
- 464
Yup... we either just gotta get it over with or live out the most wretched miserable and shameful existence possibly and it will only get worse
eternalmelancholy
waiting for the bus
- Mar 24, 2021
- 1,169
Maybe that's the price to pay for an early exit. All the future pain and fear you get to avoid has to be paid upfront when you ctb.
Even knowing this doesn't make ctb'ing any easier. We are being squeeze from both ends. What did we do to deserve this nightmare?
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