My life has been over

[Quiltsand]

I had a tough childhood. Once I turned 20 I worked my ass off everyday in hopes of changing my life. I worked out rigorously counted every macronutrient, I worked at Tesla when it was a new company and by the age of 27 I was in great shape and had nearly 200k in savings. Then I moved and the pandemic hit, I never went outside for years, my dad got lung cancer and came to the house for hospice. His dad died, then he died a month later. Then my cousin died of an overdose and an old friend hung himself. I was convinced I was going to kill myself. I started doing anything in my despair. I'd give homeless people hundreds or tip at stores hundreds of dollars. One time I gave a bunch of money to a guy on the street and we ended up smoking crack. I felt that I needed to spend everything because then I would have no choice to kill myself. Then I got sucked into the stake casino and lost 2 bitcoin gambling when they were worth under 20k each. Then I lost it all and went straight to ending it. I attempted to hang myself but was found and drove off. I sold my 401k and took the fees which was the last thing I had. I drove across the entire country doing some of the craziest things. I drove 45k miles from 2023 to early 2025. Then my car was stolen in Pennsylvania. At first the insurance didn't want to pay out because I hadn't been living where the insurance policy was based but after months and threatening to sue they paid me out 11k. It's been dwindling since I haven't been working and I've been using 7OH to feel less depressed which I probably spend at least 30$ a day on. I regularly try to choke myself out but last time I tried I ended up with some medical bills. I got a job at Dunkin' Donuts to survive on but it pays a fraction of what I was being paid 9 years ago. So now I'm 30 and my body and health is destroyed. I used to be in great health and have six figures in savings. Now I'm destroyed and struggling to survive in a world I dont want to exist in. I gave away everything in 2022 because I wanted to give myself no other choice to end it. Now everyone I was close to in this world is dead. I really need to escape but succeeding In suicide is very difficult. I seem to keep surviving things I shouldn't. The closest I ever got I think was when I drank a lot on ambien and had an overdose. I can't cope with the memory of having lost everything. I worked 6 days a week 6PM-6AM for years. I never celebrated a birthday, went on a date, or did anything but worked and saved. Now everything is gone and everyone I was close to is gone. I just need to escape, every second is a nightmare. Is Sodium Nitrate actually a good method that will succeed? I've tried looking into buying some but I can't tell if it'll be strong enough to kill me. It's all torture, the only thought that brings me any relief is the hope that I'll die of a heart attack soon anyways