I was applying to study abroad to escape the curse known as the Middle East. I barely have any friends, no romantic experience, I had to quite my shitty job to pursue this academic opportunity. I got accepted into a university for a masters degree, paid my tuition, I made a deposit for living expenses which should last me for a year. Everything was ready to go except for my student visa. The very last fucking step towards a new life. I got rejected. Not because of a luck of funds or illogical study progression. I got rejected because of my nationality. Apparently dirty Arabs like me can't be trusted to just go away back to their shithole countries after they finish their studies. To be fair, I did want to migrate. But I truly wanted to integrate. Find a good job after I finish my masters, get the best grades I can. I even started to learn the language, and I had a masters thesis proposal that I was excited about.
Now I have to throw all of that to the bin. I got rejected by so many universities before and after I got accepted into one, my visa got rejected. After the enormous effort I have put into this. I had to travel during the America iran geopolitical cluster fuck to apply for a visa. I had to quit my job. So much uncertainty that I took as best as I can. Go figure
I made a kind of wager with myself if you will. If this doesn't work out, I was going to fully give up. I was going to CTB. I had a plan and workable method. But I don't even want to do it anymore as of now.
My mood is surprisingly not bad. I may still end up doing it once the consequences of this rejection fully hit me.
What makes suicide so interesting is that even though I desire it very much, I still can't bring myself to do it. Part of it is the concern for my family. However, if I'm going to be completely honest, it's just my survival instinct. I'm hard wired to live. I have to go completely insane to want to kill myself and as of now, much of sanity is still intact despite everything.
Maybe I will begin to lose my sanity slowly and painfully as time goes by, walking slowly towards my own death. I don't want to go this horrible experience but I know this is what awaits me.
I'm stuck in this limbo. I can't live, I can't die.
Now I have to throw all of that to the bin. I got rejected by so many universities before and after I got accepted into one, my visa got rejected. After the enormous effort I have put into this. I had to travel during the America iran geopolitical cluster fuck to apply for a visa. I had to quit my job. So much uncertainty that I took as best as I can. Go figure
I made a kind of wager with myself if you will. If this doesn't work out, I was going to fully give up. I was going to CTB. I had a plan and workable method. But I don't even want to do it anymore as of now.
My mood is surprisingly not bad. I may still end up doing it once the consequences of this rejection fully hit me.
What makes suicide so interesting is that even though I desire it very much, I still can't bring myself to do it. Part of it is the concern for my family. However, if I'm going to be completely honest, it's just my survival instinct. I'm hard wired to live. I have to go completely insane to want to kill myself and as of now, much of sanity is still intact despite everything.
Maybe I will begin to lose my sanity slowly and painfully as time goes by, walking slowly towards my own death. I don't want to go this horrible experience but I know this is what awaits me.
I'm stuck in this limbo. I can't live, I can't die.
