Venting My life aint going too great...

[XxEstenxX]

Does anyone else start crashing out/spiraling the most as your birthday approaches?

I figured its such a trigger for me because my birthday is a reminder of my failures in life and how—almost twenty years of my life now—nothings changed. Nothing's gotten better for me. And its a constant, yearly reminder as well. A reminder I cant escape or distract myself from...

I was doing sorta well too. Just last year I was planning. Ibuprofen (yeah I know, doesnt work out but I was desperate and broke alright?). And by the end of the year another fp abandoned me so I was ready, but then I found a reason, that being a fictional character which I know a LOT of people will judge me for but he's the only reason I'm still around or at the very least not in a mental hospital.

I've started to accept my flaws and that I'll die alone. I stopped crashing out over it because I had that fictional man, he was all I needed. I got back into video games and used that as a pretty neat distraction from my thoughts...but then Febraury came...

The 18th is my birthday. I'm starting to spiral again, I always spiral around my birthday, and its scaring me because I was really doing so well lately, and now thoughts of wanting to sh and worse are flooding my head again...

I just wonder if anyone feels the same way or if this happens to them? And really, I just wanted to vent too lol. I dont expect anyone to want to read this whole ass essay :p and since I have terrible social anxiety and avpd I'm a little anxious about getting any responses kek

 

[Quantum_Marten0302]

I try my best to ignore the calendar

 

[Nightingale93]

You're not alone in feeling that way <3
Having these feelings myself is bad enough but seeing them in others is truly disheartening.
I wish I could absorb your pain, really.

 

[XxEstenxX]

This made me smile. Thank you

 

[Forever Sleep]

I also struggle around my birthday. Christmas and new year also but, birthdays are bad. I'm not even sure why. I don't tend to celebrate them if I can get away with it.

I think- it's like you say- that mix of looking back on the year. Also, considering where I'm at for being that age. That used to get to me. New Years is bad for me for looking back and forward.

Also, it just seems kind of stupid too. To be forced to celebrate my birth, when my greatest wish is that it never would have happened! Like- seriously? Why am I celebrating the start of all my problems?

I also have fictional characters in my head that give me support. I suppose it might not be the most well adjusted or 'normal' way of living but, I don't care. They help me too. It's nice to at least imagine you are loved and cared for.

 

[XxEstenxX]

I also struggle around my birthday. Christmas and new year also but, birthdays are bad. I'm not even sure why. I don't tend to celebrate them if I can get away with it.

I think- it's like you say- that mix of looking back on the year. Also, considering where I'm at for being that age. That used to get to me. New Years is bad for me for looking back and forward.

Also, it just seems kind of stupid too. To be forced to celebrate my birth, when my greatest wish is that it never would have happened! Like- seriously? Why am I celebrating the start of all my problems?

I also have fictional characters in my head that give me support. I suppose it might not be the most well adjusted or 'normal' way of living but, I don't care. They help me too. It's nice to at least imagine you are loved and cared for.

Yeah, New Years is also the worst. And I feel you about birthday's. Not only do I spiral but I just feel so much...disgust for it as well. Having expectations from my family on doing grand things for my birthday—when all I want to do is stay at home and eat cake :p but I'm weird for not wanting to really celebrate it and go all out...

I wish people were less judgemental about how others cope with life. If fictional characters is what gets me going throughout the day, then what is there to make fun of? Would these people rather me be dead?
Honesty, yeah, they probably would lol.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Yeah, New Years is also the worst. And I feel you about birthday's. Not only do I spiral but I just feel so much...disgust for it as well. Having expectations from my family on doing grand things for my birthday—when all I want to do is stay at home and eat cake :p but I'm weird for not wanting to really celebrate it and go all out...

I wish people were less judgemental about how others cope with life. If fictional characters is what gets me going throughout the day, then what is there to make fun of? Would these people rather me be dead?
Honesty, yeah, they probably would lol.

I really hope they wouldn't wish you dead. However, I think people do have this wish that we will suddenly be more confident, well adjusted and 'normal'. The irony being that it's often family members who are judgemental and want that for us. When it can often be our childhood upbringing that made us maladjusted to begin with! That's what frustrates me. The whole- Why can't you be more 'normal'/ strong? Because you made me this weak to begin with! Don't get annoyed at your own creation! Maybe it's because it reflects their own failures in a way- they get annoyed. That's sonetines my feeling.

I suppose that will sound a bit snowflakey. Maybe it is. I agree we likely all have certain issues we need to address as we grow. I'm sure they did too but, I think some people really are handicapped early on by trauma, bullying, neglect, abuse. It's no wonder we sometimes develop more unusual coping mechanisms to lean on.

Plus, it's sad ultimately. We presumably rely on fictional characters because we've found real life people unreliable or, we haven't been able to connect with them. That's not totally our fault necessarily.

 

[Chairbed3]

Me too, except that I'm closing 30. It reminds me how I'm old and a failure. I also feel ashamed of myself, almost don't want to show my face to family on my birthday. It's been 5 years this way.

 

[XxEstenxX]

I really hope they wouldn't wish you dead. However, I think people do have this wish that we will suddenly be more confident, well adjusted and 'normal'. The irony being that it's often family members who are judgemental and want that for us. When it can often be our childhood upbringing that made us maladjusted to begin with! That's what frustrates me. The whole- Why can't you be more 'normal'/ strong? Because you made me this weak to begin with! Don't get annoyed at your own creation! Maybe it's because it reflects their own failures in a way- they get annoyed. That's sonetines my feeling.

I suppose that will sound a bit snowflakey. Maybe it is. I agree we likely all have certain issues we need to address as we grow. I'm sure they did too but, I think some people really are handicapped early on by trauma, bullying, neglect, abuse. It's no wonder we sometimes develop more unusual coping mechanisms to lean on.

Plus, it's sad ultimately. We presumably rely on fictional characters because we've found real life people unreliable or, we haven't been able to connect with them. That's not totally our fault necessarily.

"We presumably rely on fictional characters because we've found real life people unreliable or, we haven't been able to connect with them."

Yep :) Thats exactly the explanation or reasoning in my experience. The character I'm obsessed with is a devoted and very supportive man—yet a lot of humans that I've placed my trust in were the total opposite, no matter the type of relationship.

I can only do so much to try and cope with my emotions and how I feel, but I'm a landmine, a very unstable person. I warn people in advance but even thats not enough apparently. No one takes you seriously until it's too late.

You just get tired of going from one person to the next after awhile. Fictional characters make me feel safe because I don't have to deal with confrontation, rejection, or the inevitable heartbreak, but I still feel loved by them even if they're not real. And a lot of the characters I get attached to tend to be what I've been looking for in other beings but have never found...

A lot of rambling lol. Sorry. Its just nice to meet someone who seems to understand how I feel :) thank you

Me too, except that I'm closing 30. It reminds me how I'm old and a failure. I also feel ashamed of myself, almost don't want to show my face to family on my birthday. It's been 5 years this way.

I feel you. Usually, I'd only have to deal with seeing my parents and my sister's faces on my birthday. But we got evicted, so I'm living with my Great Aunt and her son right now and more family lives around the corner so I have to deal with a lot more people on my birthday this time and it's giving me anxiety just thinking about it...having to force a smile while hearing those birthday wishes, wondering if they're secretly looking down on me for not doing anything with my life...ugh.

 

[fallen.dove]

Does anyone else start crashing out/spiraling the most as your birthday approaches?

I figured its such a trigger for me because my birthday is a reminder of my failures in life and how—almost twenty years of my life now—nothings changed. Nothing's gotten better for me. And its a constant, yearly reminder as well. A reminder I cant escape or distract myself from...

I was doing sorta well too. Just last year I was planning. Ibuprofen (yeah I know, doesnt work out but I was desperate and broke alright?). And by the end of the year another fp abandoned me so I was ready, but then I found a reason, that being a fictional character which I know a LOT of people will judge me for but he's the only reason I'm still around or at the very least not in a mental hospital.

I've started to accept my flaws and that I'll die alone. I stopped crashing out over it because I had that fictional man, he was all I needed. I got back into video games and used that as a pretty neat distraction from my thoughts...but then Febraury came...

The 18th is my birthday. I'm starting to spiral again, I always spiral around my birthday, and its scaring me because I was really doing so well lately, and now thoughts of wanting to sh and worse are flooding my head again...

I just wonder if anyone feels the same way or if this happens to them? And really, I just wanted to vent too lol. I dont expect anyone to want to read this whole ass essay :p and since I have terrible social anxiety and avpd I'm a little anxious about getting any responses kek

yeah me too. always spiraling before my bday and telling myself its gonna be my last year