Story My Introduction and Goals

[puella]

Hello, you can call me Ella (no connection to my identity. Puella is just latin in 'Puella Magi Madoka Magica').

I'm here on SS because I want to feel better—while also holding concerns that I never will.

I've been depressed since I was 12. I didn't know why I felt so bad. I had very few ways to express myself at that age, I only knew I was sad. But I couldn't imagine any world where I wouldn't have that empty sad feeling.

My feelings of depression continued to worsen until I started to have ideation. This was when I was around 16, and I saw a therapist at this point. I got on anti-depressants and found coping mechanisms that worked to help me deal with SH. I would have CTB in the past without these resources. It helped me hold on, during times I had no hope, until I got something that made me hopeful.

When I was about 18, a girl I was playing online with started calling me a girl name as a joke. But it made me smile! I thought I liked it because I was getting attention and being teased, so I decided it could be fun to try on girl's clothes. It was supposed to be something like a joke, taking thigh pictures in a skirt and knee socks for that friend, but it had a huge impact on me. It made me feel happier than I had ever been—I felt euphoric.

I had always thought it would be impossible to be a girl, I was just told I was a boy and "that's that". But I had wished to have been born a girl when I was young, I had played Pokémon as the girl character, I had always thought women's fashion was much more interesting, et cetera. I had just never thought it was a legitimate enough thought to let myself consider it.

But I wanted to feel that euphoria again, and I started considering it a lot. When I took pictures well enough, leaving out my face and getting a good photograph, I could look just like a girl. I found online LGBT+ forums to get information and meet people I could anonymously talk to. I shared pictures of myself and told people I was a girl. Hearing someone call me by she/her and a feminine name, in a real and serious context, made me feel even more euphoria. These were serious feelings for me.

I started talking to my therapist about it, and she was accepting. She helped me navigate my feelings. I found that imagining myself as just a normal girl in every day life was finally what I knew would get rid of that empty sad feeling. There is nothing else I can imagine that gives me the same feeling of contentedness with my existence. I had hope and I wanted to make progress. I came out to my family, have been on HRT for 1y4m, changed my legal name and gender, and recently moved from my backwards/conservative town.

Some things have gotten better. I will occasionally have glimpses of euphoria or a few days where I don't feel nonfunctional. But it just isn't enough. Most days I'm bogged down from depression and anxiety caused by gender dysphoria. I'm glad to know the cause of it, I guess, but I still feel powerless to stop it. Powerlessness ends up being similar to hopelessness.

These are my goals:

• get health insurance,
• find a therapist I can see weekly,
• find an endocrinologist I can see quarterly,
• finish laser/electrolysis,
• get GRS or an orchie,
• get FFS,
• find more clothes that fit me and look flattering, and
• be able to go outside everyday.

I'm just so afraid that my realistic options wont be enough. I've lost my childhood, my teens, and I'm currently losing my early adulthood. It's frustrating to think, "When will this be over?" But it's terrifying to think, "This will never be over." Will I just be stuck in this body forever—with no escape except to CTB?

 

[Kempel556]

Welcome, I hope you can achive your goals in life :)

 

[dreamscape1111]

Beautiful! All the best in your journey to recovery, dear friend.

 

[EternalShore]

awww~ That sounds lovely! ^_^
hehe~ I became dysphoric soon after a person called me the opposite gender online too! xD
I hope you're able to recover too~ hehe~ :3

 

[AllCatsAreGrey]

Hi Ella! Thanks for sharing your story. I've noticed your posts here and I appreciate your vibe. I'm trans nonbinary and relate a lot to some that you shared. When in middle school I once had a realization while getting bullied by boys, "oh, they think I'm a boy. If I was a girl they wouldn't do this." I had no idea about the possibility of being nb. I've heard that girls also can be cruel to each other. But, the sentiment remained. People see me differently than I am. It adds such a stress to social interactions sometimes.

I really appreciate how people on the recovery side of SaSu are open about the struggle of the effort of recovery. I appreciate your presence here.

 

[BojackHorseman]

Thank you for putting in words the reason why I'm here as well : "I'm here on SS because I want to feel better—while also holding concerns that I never will."

I'm sorry that your struggling. My teenager is trans and I often worry if she is struggling inside as well. I hope your able to achieve your goals and find peace. Thank you for sharing.

 

[Chr0nicAnhedonic]

I can relate to a lot of this. I lean more towards nonbinary, but definitely get a lot of joy out of being/presenting more feminine. I had wanted to go through with HRT for years, but always hesitated because while I wanted to look more feminine, I was comfortable enough with the body I have and thought that I'd have to go all the way with transitioning if I started HRT. I'm hoping to change that once I actually get health insurance (which should be relatively soon, hopefully).

I don't think it's often talked about just how taxing it is to present more feminine, especially if you aren't cis. I love to dress up in cute outfits and wear makeup and all of that, but it's not something I can do regularly. That shit is fucking *exhausting*, especially for someone like me who puts as minimal an effort into their appearance as possible. I'm much more comfortable in my default t-shirt and jeans look, and I save cuter outfits as a sometimes thing.

Even though you're struggling, which I definitely understand, it seems like you have clear goals and hopefully the means to achieve them. That's seriously awesome and I hope you can take some pride in that. I know what you mean when you worry that it won't be enough to get you out of the hole you're in, but personally I think having those goals and taking action on them will at the very least get you just a bit further out of the hole than you were previously. Maybe it won't get you out completely, but hopefully it'll be less debilitating than it is right now, and it'll be much easier to deal with in that sense. No matter what anyone says or what you're telling yourself, you're doing an amazing job

(also, just wanna say I love your name)