Long story short, for what could have been one of a myriad of reasons, I've lost my mental ability and sharpness. I've always been depressed, since I was young, and have had OCD probably since I was 5 or so. Btw, wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy.
I consoled myself by thinking that one day I would do something important; I might be depressed, I might hate myself, but I have my brain, and I was decently smart and motivated.
Within a year, everything I had been working towards is gone.
I got married really fast really young, I really wanted love and affection (pretty much all of my familial and romantic relationships have been abusive) and he is a really good guy. But he doesn't understand me. I don't think he ever will or can. We haven't truly connected on a deep spiritual level and I know we never will. I don't know why we got married…I guess I hoped it would happen after.
Now we live together. I'm not productive. At all. I knew I wouldn't be living with a romantic partner. The life I dreamed of, of living by myself and making my own choices and being a free agent is gone. I don't have the cognitive ability or drive to do what I wanted to do in school anymore. I am incredibly ashamed of myself. I keep putting CTB off because I hope it'll get better, when I know it only gets worse. Over and over. When I was younger, the only reason I didn't CTB was because I was holding out hope that things would get better. Ironically, things are so much worse now that I'm nostalgic for that time lol. I wish I could go back and change every decision I made in this last year. I've tried every pill, every therapy. The pills made it way worse, got rid of my intelligence and no doctors know why or how to get it back. Still, I'm afraid of CTB methods because I don't want to end up with brain damage…even though even this level of cognition right now isn't enough for me to stay here. I'm the slowest in my classes now, first time ever. I am incredibly ashamed.
Hopefully it'll be over soon.
I've been trying so long to find peace, since I was so young…I hope I'm brave enough to finally be at rest soon.
I consoled myself by thinking that one day I would do something important; I might be depressed, I might hate myself, but I have my brain, and I was decently smart and motivated.
Within a year, everything I had been working towards is gone.
I got married really fast really young, I really wanted love and affection (pretty much all of my familial and romantic relationships have been abusive) and he is a really good guy. But he doesn't understand me. I don't think he ever will or can. We haven't truly connected on a deep spiritual level and I know we never will. I don't know why we got married…I guess I hoped it would happen after.
Now we live together. I'm not productive. At all. I knew I wouldn't be living with a romantic partner. The life I dreamed of, of living by myself and making my own choices and being a free agent is gone. I don't have the cognitive ability or drive to do what I wanted to do in school anymore. I am incredibly ashamed of myself. I keep putting CTB off because I hope it'll get better, when I know it only gets worse. Over and over. When I was younger, the only reason I didn't CTB was because I was holding out hope that things would get better. Ironically, things are so much worse now that I'm nostalgic for that time lol. I wish I could go back and change every decision I made in this last year. I've tried every pill, every therapy. The pills made it way worse, got rid of my intelligence and no doctors know why or how to get it back. Still, I'm afraid of CTB methods because I don't want to end up with brain damage…even though even this level of cognition right now isn't enough for me to stay here. I'm the slowest in my classes now, first time ever. I am incredibly ashamed.
Hopefully it'll be over soon.
I've been trying so long to find peace, since I was so young…I hope I'm brave enough to finally be at rest soon.
