My husband overheard me talk to a friend about suicide

[LostHighway]

I try to keep my suicidal ideation to myself when I'm around my husband, who loves me very much but has a short temper. I was upset today when my doctor refused to fill a sleep medication for my severe insomnia. I have no other treatment options. This was my last chance at getting sleep. I quietly confessed to my dear friend on the phone that I am at the point where I'm going to get some fentanyl. My husband overheard this and is furious with me. He's seen me struggling with worsening insomnia for decades. He sees me lying on the couch day after day, existing on two or three hours sleep. He knows I don't have a life and was putting all my hope into this medication - Quiviviq - that I was hoping my doctor would prescribe. I don't know how to deal with my husband's anger. I know it comes from hurt, frustration and a feeling of helplessness. I asked him to write a letter to my doctor, telling him that he has witnessed how I am suffering, and how well and happy I feel on the rare nights I do sleep. But he refuses to write the letter. How do you handle a partner or parent who will not tolerate your suicidal thoughts?

 

[FF777]

this is probably going to be an answer that won't mesh with you at all, and i am probably a very different person that you are.. so feel free to disregard this answer completely; i'm basically just saying what i would do in the situation.. but i'm male and i don't like having my freedom impinged in a relationship..

but if you don't have kids with him and if he isn't treating you like you imagine an ideal husband should, then maybe you should think about winding the relationship down?.. but you said he has some anger issues or some thing, so you might be in one of those situations where the wife is afraid to leave because she is scared the husband will get mad and do some thing drastic.. and so in that situation you might kind of do a "nuclear option" where you slowly gradually get more annoying to live with over the course of months to where he eventually will decide he wants to end the relationship him self.. although hopefully he doesn't just end up getting too angry at you gradually getting too annoying but so, in that case i don't know what to do really.. i guess you could yap at him to death.. just yap all your problems at him constantly and maybe he will get tired of how much you are talking at him.. i dunno..

any way, i'm just kind of typing off the top of my head really though.. you know your situation best and none of my advice might actually work for your situation at all, especially if you have kids that still live with you guys..

but any way, good luck with your situation i guess.. i hope you can find some method or some way to help you relax and sleep more at night time.. my grandma used to say she would try to imagine how she would like to rearrange the furniture in her house and it would help put her to sleep.. and for me some times i just kind of relax in bed and think about random stuff for a long while and just kind of enjoy the comfyness of being able to lay in bed and not have to do any thing at the moment and i don't necessarily have the goal of going to sleep exactly but i just lay there and enjoy the bed and the comfy thoughts for a while..

 

[LostHighway]

this is probably going to be an answer that won't mesh with you at all, and i am probably a very different person that you are.. so feel free to disregard this answer completely; i'm basically just saying what i would do in the situation.. but i'm male and i don't like having my freedom impinged in a relationship..

but if you don't have kids with him and if he isn't treating you like you imagine an ideal husband should, then maybe you should think about winding the relationship down?.. but you said he has some anger issues or some thing, so you might be in one of those situations where the wife is afraid to leave because she is scared the husband will get mad and do some thing drastic.. and so in that situation you might kind of do a "nuclear option" where you slowly gradually get more annoying to live with over the course of months to where he eventually will decide he wants to end the relationship him self.. although hopefully he doesn't just end up getting too angry at you gradually getting too annoying but so, in that case i don't know what to do really.. i guess you could yap at him to death.. just yap all your problems at him constantly and maybe he will get tired of how much you are talking at him.. i dunno..

any way, i'm just kind of typing off the top of my head really though.. you know your situation best and none of my advice might actually work for your situation at all, especially if you have kids that still live with you guys..

but any way, good luck with your situation i guess.. i hope you can find some method or some way to help you relax and sleep more at night time.. my grandma used to say she would try to imagine how she would like to rearrange the furniture in her house and it would help put her to sleep.. and for me some times i just kind of relax in bed and think about random stuff for a long while and just kind of enjoy the comfyness of being able to lay in bed and not have to do any thing at the moment and i don't necessarily have the goal of going to sleep exactly but i just lay there and enjoy the bed and the comfy thoughts for a while..

Thanks so much for responding. You're so sweet. I've been with my husband for a hundred years. He does love me but he can't handle me talking about killing myself. It's just too painful. And instead of hugging me, he retreats. There are times I've thought of leaving but I'm an older person who could not live on my own because of the severe insomnia and other health problems. I would have to live in a van down by the river.

I have been guilty of nagging him at times, not for the purpose of driving him away, but because I need him to do something important he's avoiding. But, I try to keep that to a minimum.

It would devastate my husband if I took my life. I love life. I just can't live like this much longer. He knows it's unsustainable too.

I LOVE your relaxed suggestions about sleep. What a fantasy to just fall asleep like that. How fortunate you are. I do something sort of like your grandma does or did - I sometimes go to this imaginary kitchen and dining room in a shabby old chateau in the South of France, with high ceilings and French doors to a lovely back courtyard with a pool. It's an open floor plan with a big old wooden table. I know where everything is in the kitchen. I think about what I'd like to prepare for dinner, get what I need to make a meal, including spices and old bowls, etc and pretend to make my meal. And I sit there at the table and pretend to eat it. Oh, there's a vintage record player in the corner and I listen to old music in my head. It doesn't help me sleep a wink, but it's nice to pretend. Maybe tonight I'll expand to picture big empty living room, and imagine furniture coming in, and I'll move it around until it's just so. And invite your grandma (or how I picture her) to tea or a glass of wine.

 

[SASU-KE]

Sleep is the most important thing to the human body and mind. I suffer from sleep apnea and use a CPAP device myself. I have anxiety myself when the time inches closer to sleep time.

Wearing that mask is not fun. Travelling is very difficult because you have to carry the device along.

Have you tried intense exercise and sauna? I don't believe in all the other hacks. I've tried them all. The beauty with exercise is it will physically exhaust your body.

 

[LostHighway]

Sleep is more the most important thing to the human body and mind. I suffer from sleep apnea and use a CPAP device myself. I have anxiety myself when the time inches closer to sleep time.

Wearing that mask is not fun. Travelling is very difficult because you have to carry the device along.

Have you tried intense exercise and sauna? I don't believe in all the other hacks. I've tried them all. The beauty with exercise is it will physically exhaust your body.

 

[Die.A.Ria]

Whattt?? Why would he refuse to write the letter after he overheard how upset you were that you were talking about ordering fentanyl

 

[LostHighway]

Sleep is more the most important thing to the human body and mind. I suffer from sleep apnea and use a CPAP device myself. I have anxiety myself when the time inches closer to sleep time.

Wearing that mask is not fun. Travelling is very difficult because you have to carry the device along.

Have you tried intense exercise and sauna? I don't believe in all the other hacks. I've tried them all. The beauty with exercise is it will physically exhaust your body.

I'm having a heck of a time trying to respond to you! I hope you can read this. I'm so happy you're using your CPAP, Sasu-Ke. It's a hassle but it's so good for your health to stick with it. My brother used to have one. Alas, I have two health conditions, ME/CFS and Long Covid, where I cannot exert myself. If I do, I become VERY sick. I can take 15 minute walks. That's about it. It's been that way for 14 years. But the advice is EXCELLENT for anyone else with insomnia who can exercise. Sweet dreams.

Whattt?? Why would he refuse to write the letter after he overheard how upset you were that you were talking about ordering fentanyl

I don't get it either. I asked my best friend who I was talking to on the phone if she could write a letter, and she said "of course". He and I are wired differently. He's so sore that I want to end my life. It must be terribly hard for him. Sometimes, I just want a big hug and for him to say, "we'll get you through this sweetheart. I'm right here with you."

 

[SASU-KE]

I'm having a heck of a time trying to respond to you! I hope you can read this. I'm so happy you're using your CPAP, Sasu-Ke. It's a hassle but it's so good for your health to stick with it. My brother used to have one. Alas, I have two health conditions, ME/CFS and Long Covid, where I cannot exert myself. If I do, I become VERY sick. I can take 15 minute walks. That's about it. It's been that way for 14 years. But the advice is EXCELLENT for anyone else with insomnia who can exercise. Sweet dreams.

I don't get it either. I asked my best friend who I was talking to on the phone if she could write a letter, and she said "of course". He and I are wired differently. He's so sore that I want to end my life. It must be terribly hard for him. Sometimes, I just want a big hug and for him to say, "we'll get you through this sweetheart. I'm right here with you."

I was wondering why your previous quote was empty.

You remind me of another user here whose husband completely gets angry and shuts down when he listens to anything that has to do with ending her life. She's got chronic health issues too. He's a good guy, but he just won't have any of it or hear any of it.I'm guessing your husband is also a decent guy apart from this particular issue.

It's very unfortunate that you have those health problems. I used to do a lot of high intensity interval training, weightlifting and steam room sessions. Used to help getting me tuckered and pooped out by end of the day.

Unfortunately, even now though, I keep getting up in the middle of sleep because of the pressure from my CPAP device. Sometimes a change in pressure or air leaking from the mask causes me to wake up. I've told my family several times that it's just pointless to live like this. Sleep is 1/3 of our lives after all. It's also the most important factor in the remaining 2/3.

Insomnia is just a nightmare to deal with. Makes every second hell.I hope your issue subsides.

 

[bagel12]

I try to keep my suicidal ideation to myself when I'm around my husband, who loves me very much but has a short temper. I was upset today when my doctor refused to fill a sleep medication for my severe insomnia. I have no other treatment options. This was my last chance at getting sleep. I quietly confessed to my dear friend on the phone that I am at the point where I'm going to get some fentanyl. My husband overheard this and is furious with me. He's seen me struggling with worsening insomnia for decades. He sees me lying on the couch day after day, existing on two or three hours sleep. He knows I don't have a life and was putting all my hope into this medication - Quiviviq - that I was hoping my doctor would prescribe. I don't know how to deal with my husband's anger. I know it comes from hurt, frustration and a feeling of helplessness. I asked him to write a letter to my doctor, telling him that he has witnessed how I am suffering, and how well and happy I feel on the rare nights I do sleep. But he refuses to write the letter. How do you handle a partner or parent who will not tolerate your suicidal thoughts?

I'm having a heck of a time trying to respond to you! I hope you can read this. I'm so happy you're using your CPAP, Sasu-Ke. It's a hassle but it's so good for your health to stick with it. My brother used to have one. Alas, I have two health conditions, ME/CFS and Long Covid, where I cannot exert myself. If I do, I become VERY sick. I can take 15 minute walks. That's about it. It's been that way for 14 years. But the advice is EXCELLENT for anyone else with insomnia who can exercise. Sweet dreams.

i'm so sorry you're going through such severe insomnia :( i have several friends who have moderate to severe me/cfs and insomnia has been one of the most debilitating symptoms for them. i'm so, so sorry that you're dealing with this cruel disease. it's horrible that the doctor refused to fill a sleep medication! and it is ridiculous that your husband won't write a letter to your doctor, why is he refusing? i'm wondering, could you contact one of the me/cfs advocacy groups about this, a local or national one? maybe they could apply pressure to the doctor, or maybe they know a different doctor in your area who would be willing to write this prescription?


i will speak from personal experience here, several of my close friends have me/cfs. during the worst of their symptoms, they talk about ctb often. i sometimes feel panicked and scared during these conversations. it hurts to witness them suffer so deeply, and it hurts to imagine what life would be like if they were gone. sometimes i worry that i will say or do the wrong thing, and they will just leave and ctb, and it will be all my fault. every time, it feels like their life is in my hands.


i am honored to support them in this way, and it means a lot to me that they trust me enough to open up about how they're feeling. but sometimes, i am not able to handle the feelings of responsibility, pressure, or distress that i feel during these conversations. however, it never even crosses my mind to get angry at them in these moments. they are in a horrible situation, and they want relief, how could i ever be angry at them for this? i am angry at the world, i am angry at the medical establishment, i am angry at society. i am never angry at them. so it worries me a lot that your husband reacts by being angry at you. you're already going through an immensely difficult situation, and you deserve support and care, and i'm sorry you are being treated this way :( you can have compassion for the source of his emotions, while also recognizing that partners should treat each other with respect, support, and care rather than anger.


if my friends talk about ctb so much that i cannot handle it anymore, i communicate it to them, and they respect my boundaries. they talk to someone else instead about their desire to ctb. do you and your husband have something like this in place, where if him hearing about you wanting to ctb is too intense and he can't handle it anymore, he can communicate this to you, and you can tell someone else? more importantly, do you both have support systems so you both can lean on other people too, not just each other? and lastly, do you both have therapists who you can work with during this difficult time? i think it is difficult for most people and even most therapists to understand the grief and complexity of chronic illness. but maybe a chronic illness therapist, or a therapist who specializes with end of life patients, would be helpful.


last thing, in the next paragraph, i wrote down what medications my friends with me/cfs take to get better sleep after much trial and error. please feel free to skip this paragraph if you don't want to read it, as i imagine you have already tried so many insomnia medications. but i wrote it down on the off chance that it could be helpful for you:


one of my friends tried every sleeping medication on this list from the me/cfs clinician coalition, as well as this list from the bateman horne center, until they found a combination of meds that helped. they expect it will eventually lose its effectiveness, but they have been on the same protocol for many months with no tolerance built up yet. they take seroquel, trazodone, mirtazapine, and one or two other meds for insomnia. and they sometimes add an additional sleep med that they rotate between as to not build a tolerance. for example they might take clonazapam on monday, dextromethorphan on wednesday, lunesta on friday, benadryl on sunday, and so on. they went from 2-3 hours of sleep to 5-6, and it really helped. my impression was that the atypical antipsychotic was the most impactful for them. i dont remember what regimen my other friends take for insomnia, but i'd be happy to ask if it would be helpful at all.


once again, i am so sorry you are going through this