katyhere
Member
- Jan 23, 2020
- 44
The title says it all. My time to catch the bus has come. I will start the 48-hours regime tomorrow. I am planning on ctb with SN on sunday midnight. Today I finally found peace and steadiness in the idea. I have been too scared before although the desire to die has occupied me for years and years. I have been planning this moment for years so it is safe to say that this is a well-considered decision of mine. What helped me to find peace is the idea that this will give me peace and thus be the best for me and those closest to me. I hope that they'll be able to find peace in the idea that I'll finaly be at peace. A kind of acceptance descended upon me. However, this does not mean that I am not scared. I am scared, for I am human. I am scared for the unknown, for how it will feel, for failure, but most of all for dying alone and carrying this heavy burden alone. That's why I turned to this forum as well, in hoping it will feel a little less alone. Hoping for your support and for being able to share all of this. I hope to find comfort in the idea that at least some people will know about my ss, even if it's just some random strangers on the internet. Random strangers that I very much appreciate. I have been around on this forum for some years, mostly just lurking, but many times found comfort in knowing I am not alone in my suffering and desire to ctb. So I want to thank you for that.
Today has been consumed by planning this weekend, preparing the method as well as writing down final wishes. Tomorrow I am planning on writing a goodbye letter to my loved ones and do some final preparations. I am hoping on finding some peace the upcoming two days by being outside in nature, being nice and mild to myself, calming myself down and making it myself as comfortable as possiblle. Hopefully I'll be brave enough to continue. I am a little scared my mind will suddenly change, I must admit. I will just vent on this thread and post some updates. It's nice to have a place to just spit out all of my thoughts.
About the method; I'll be using SN. My plan is the following:
- Fast for 2 days (saturday an sunday, starting tonight). Start water fast 8h before taking SN.
- Saturday: 8h 1x10mg meto, 16h 1x10mg meto, 24h 1x10 mg meto
- Sunday: 8h 1x10 mg meto, 16h 1x10 mg meto, 22:30 50mg oxazepam + 1000mg paracetamol, 24h SN drink + 60mg oxazepam
* Since I don't have the recommended 600 mg of oxazepam and only 110mg I will be doing this a bit different then PPeH recommends. In case I notice that I get drousier sooner than expected after taking the first dosage, I will take the SN drink and leftover oxazepam sooner.
* I will prepare 25g SN with 50ml water. I will prepare 3 of these in case I vomit.
* I will ctb on my room, put on some music, lock my door. I think this will be fine, I am not expecting to make too much noises.
If I am not succesfull I intent on updating on this on here in about a month after my attempt (in case this is possible), otherwise I hopefuly succeeded!
Lastly, I would like to ask you to respond to this thread with respect. I am not looking for unwanted advice regarding my chosen method. I have done my research and preparations and this is the best I can do with resources availabe to me. I don't want to be put off, get scared or worried. I have read about the possible consequences, symptoms and pain and have chosen to believe in the best outcome. I understand some pain and discomfort is unavoidable and I accept this. Please be respectful. Sending all of my love.
Today has been consumed by planning this weekend, preparing the method as well as writing down final wishes. Tomorrow I am planning on writing a goodbye letter to my loved ones and do some final preparations. I am hoping on finding some peace the upcoming two days by being outside in nature, being nice and mild to myself, calming myself down and making it myself as comfortable as possiblle. Hopefully I'll be brave enough to continue. I am a little scared my mind will suddenly change, I must admit. I will just vent on this thread and post some updates. It's nice to have a place to just spit out all of my thoughts.
About the method; I'll be using SN. My plan is the following:
- Fast for 2 days (saturday an sunday, starting tonight). Start water fast 8h before taking SN.
- Saturday: 8h 1x10mg meto, 16h 1x10mg meto, 24h 1x10 mg meto
- Sunday: 8h 1x10 mg meto, 16h 1x10 mg meto, 22:30 50mg oxazepam + 1000mg paracetamol, 24h SN drink + 60mg oxazepam
* Since I don't have the recommended 600 mg of oxazepam and only 110mg I will be doing this a bit different then PPeH recommends. In case I notice that I get drousier sooner than expected after taking the first dosage, I will take the SN drink and leftover oxazepam sooner.
* I will prepare 25g SN with 50ml water. I will prepare 3 of these in case I vomit.
* I will ctb on my room, put on some music, lock my door. I think this will be fine, I am not expecting to make too much noises.
If I am not succesfull I intent on updating on this on here in about a month after my attempt (in case this is possible), otherwise I hopefuly succeeded!
Lastly, I would like to ask you to respond to this thread with respect. I am not looking for unwanted advice regarding my chosen method. I have done my research and preparations and this is the best I can do with resources availabe to me. I don't want to be put off, get scared or worried. I have read about the possible consequences, symptoms and pain and have chosen to believe in the best outcome. I understand some pain and discomfort is unavoidable and I accept this. Please be respectful. Sending all of my love.
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