My goodbye thread.

[katyhere]

The title says it all. My time to catch the bus has come. I will start the 48-hours regime tomorrow. I am planning on ctb with SN on sunday midnight. Today I finally found peace and steadiness in the idea. I have been too scared before although the desire to die has occupied me for years and years. I have been planning this moment for years so it is safe to say that this is a well-considered decision of mine. What helped me to find peace is the idea that this will give me peace and thus be the best for me and those closest to me. I hope that they'll be able to find peace in the idea that I'll finaly be at peace. A kind of acceptance descended upon me. However, this does not mean that I am not scared. I am scared, for I am human. I am scared for the unknown, for how it will feel, for failure, but most of all for dying alone and carrying this heavy burden alone. That's why I turned to this forum as well, in hoping it will feel a little less alone. Hoping for your support and for being able to share all of this. I hope to find comfort in the idea that at least some people will know about my ss, even if it's just some random strangers on the internet. Random strangers that I very much appreciate. I have been around on this forum for some years, mostly just lurking, but many times found comfort in knowing I am not alone in my suffering and desire to ctb. So I want to thank you for that.

Today has been consumed by planning this weekend, preparing the method as well as writing down final wishes. Tomorrow I am planning on writing a goodbye letter to my loved ones and do some final preparations. I am hoping on finding some peace the upcoming two days by being outside in nature, being nice and mild to myself, calming myself down and making it myself as comfortable as possiblle. Hopefully I'll be brave enough to continue. I am a little scared my mind will suddenly change, I must admit. I will just vent on this thread and post some updates. It's nice to have a place to just spit out all of my thoughts.

About the method; I'll be using SN. My plan is the following:
- Fast for 2 days (saturday an sunday, starting tonight). Start water fast 8h before taking SN.
- Saturday: 8h 1x10mg meto, 16h 1x10mg meto, 24h 1x10 mg meto
- Sunday: 8h 1x10 mg meto, 16h 1x10 mg meto, 22:30 50mg oxazepam + 1000mg paracetamol, 24h SN drink + 60mg oxazepam
* Since I don't have the recommended 600 mg of oxazepam and only 110mg I will be doing this a bit different then PPeH recommends. In case I notice that I get drousier sooner than expected after taking the first dosage, I will take the SN drink and leftover oxazepam sooner.
* I will prepare 25g SN with 50ml water. I will prepare 3 of these in case I vomit.
* I will ctb on my room, put on some music, lock my door. I think this will be fine, I am not expecting to make too much noises.

If I am not succesfull I intent on updating on this on here in about a month after my attempt (in case this is possible), otherwise I hopefuly succeeded!

Lastly, I would like to ask you to respond to this thread with respect. I am not looking for unwanted advice regarding my chosen method. I have done my research and preparations and this is the best I can do with resources availabe to me. I don't want to be put off, get scared or worried. I have read about the possible consequences, symptoms and pain and have chosen to believe in the best outcome. I understand some pain and discomfort is unavoidable and I accept this. Please be respectful. Sending all of my love.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I'm sorry that life brought you to this point. I wish you all the best and I hope you find peace! Safe travels!

 

[SVEN]

Every good wish for a successful procedure, Katy. You have thought it all through and planned as much as you can. We'll be here as you embark on your journey, just a bunch of friends you'll never meet hoping that everything goes well with you.

 

[sadlyexisting]

I wish you the best, I hope that you can finally find the peace you are looking for. We are always here for you!

 

[Ruma]

Goodbye and goodluck. Wishing you a safe and peaceful passing x

 

[Keppy]

Praying for you, please message me if you have the slightest ounce of doubt. I'll be there for you. I'm sorry it's come to this x

 

[Fktw0rld]

Keep in mind what awaits on the other side. What a joyous thought. Eternal rest, silence and peace. Total exoneration / removal from all of life's worries, painful memories and it's repulsive, disgusting, two-faced, backstabbing, lying, manipulative society.

I wish you the most peaceful transition with the hopes of joining you on that other side, very soon.

Love and respect

 

[astrals]

Hoping for a safe travel for you friend. I hope you manage to find peace and all this suffering comes to an end.

 

[blitz]

Hoping you have a peaceful exit. I wont be far behind you.

 

[cheese.out]

Sending all of my love to you ❤ safe travels my friend

 

[sensation86]

I am sorry life have brought you to this point.
I wish you find the peace you deserve.Big hugs from a stranger

 

[Goku Black]

All the best and I hope you find peace

* I will ctb on my room, put on some music, lock my door. I think this will be fine, I am not expecting to make too much noises.

I take it this means you'll be doing this at home with others around?

 

[Minsu]

Hopy you find peace, Katy. Crossing my fingers

 

[katyhere]

All the best and I hope you find peace

I take it this means you'll be doing this at home with others around?

Yes, I live with roommates (student housing). So it's fine to have on some music at night and make some noise, as long as it's not too loud. Also we are not that close and they won't suspect me to ctb so I don't imagine them checking in on me or being suspicious of any kind. I could easily not show up for a week or longer without anyone noticing so to speak ;)

 

[Goku Black]

Yes, I live with roommates (student housing). So it's fine to have on some music at night and make some noise, as long as it's not too loud. Also we are not that close and they won't suspect me to ctb so I don't imagine them checking in on me or being suspicious of any kind. I could easily not show up for a week or longer without anyone noticing so to speak ;)

Fair enough, I suppose that's the best case scenario right now especially with no one suspecting you'd ctb. Good luck Katy, I hope you find peace.

 

[katyhere]

I am in a bit of a though spot. My best friend wanted to call today and I didn't respond, now she's asking to meet up tomorrow evening. I told her I have plans but that we can call tomorrow. I feel so terrible, I don't want to talk to her as if I am not going to ctb the day after. I hate lying to her. She is the one person closest to me and I normally tell her everything. She knows about all the pain and hardship, that I've been suicidal in the past and so it goes on. But I cannot tell her what I am planning on, that is the one thing I cannot tell her. But I suck at lying and I'll feel so incredibly quilty. Part of me is considering being honest to her but I can't do it, I know she will inform the emergency services or whatever. Just wanted to share this struggle. I do consider not picking up the phone tomorrow but I don't want to worry her and she has this sixth sense for stuff like this so I múst act like everything is fine.

 

[Goku Black]

I am in a bit of a though spot. My best friend wanted to call today and I didn't respond, now she's asking to meet up tomorrow evening. I told her I have plans but that we can call tomorrow. I feel so terrible, I don't want to talk to her as if I am not going to ctb the day after. I hate lying to her. She is the one person closest to me and I normally tell her everything. She knows about all the pain and hardship, that I've been suicidal in the past and so it goes on. But I cannot tell her what I am planning on, that is the one thing I cannot tell her. But I suck at lying and I'll feel so incredibly quilty. Part of me is considering being honest to her but I can't do it, I know she will inform the emergency services or whatever. Just wanted to share this struggle. I do consider not picking up the phone tomorrow but I don't want to worry her and she has this sixth sense for stuff like this so I múst act like everything is fine.

That is quite a tough one. Having a friend like that who knows you well enough to tell when somethings off is quite hard to deal with especially now that you are close to ctb. If it were me, I just wouldn't do it if it will compromise everything. Luckily, I don't have that issue anymore considering every single friend I've ever had is not here anymore and well, I have an older brother but I'd just never tell him about it.

 

[katyhere]

Thanks for all of your heartwarming messasges. My heart goes out to all of you

 

[Nelnaro]

I am in a bit of a though spot. My best friend wanted to call today and I didn't respond, now she's asking to meet up tomorrow evening. I told her I have plans but that we can call tomorrow. I feel so terrible, I don't want to talk to her as if I am not going to ctb the day after. I hate lying to her. She is the one person closest to me and I normally tell her everything. She knows about all the pain and hardship, that I've been suicidal in the past and so it goes on. But I cannot tell her what I am planning on, that is the one thing I cannot tell her. But I suck at lying and I'll feel so incredibly quilty. Part of me is considering being honest to her but I can't do it, I know she will inform the emergency services or whatever. Just wanted to share this struggle. I do consider not picking up the phone tomorrow but I don't want to worry her and she has this sixth sense for stuff like this so I múst act like everything is fine.

Is there a possibility that your friend will decide to visit you in the next two days if you do not return her calls? Especially if you said that she has developed a premonition, and she probably knows about your suicidal thoughts.

 

[Goku Black]

Is there a possibility that your friend will decide to visit you in the next two days if you do not return her calls? Especially if you said that she has developed a premonition, and she probably knows about your suicidal thoughts.

Yeah I second this, she may grow in suspicion if no calls or messages are returned by @katyhere

 

[FuneralCry]

I hope you find the freedom you search for, best of luck.

 

[illvoid]

I wish you good luck in finding the peace you're seeking.

 

[Dwa23500]

Good luck, safe travels.

 

[MasterOfDisguise]

Good luck, I hope you find the peace you're searching for.

 

[Wyldfyre4948]

Best of luck in your efforts. I hope you find the peace you desire.

 

[Stuckinpast28]

I don't know you personally or even at all but I'm still gonna say that you've fought long and hard enough you deserve peace and I hope you will find it. I know I say this on every post like this but if there is an afterlife I hope we will meet, grab whatever counts as beer there, and just talk about everything and nothing. Good luck with your passage to the other side. o7

 

[katyhere]

Today I woke up feeling anxious, nervous and scared. I took a shower and managed to calm myself down a little bit, returning to the peace I found earlier on. My life has been a life long of suffering. Any hope and doubts are just a biological and irrational response from my body's instinct to survive. But rationally I know that this is best for me. However, since I already feel so anxious I have decided to ctb today. I cannot bear the suspension of waiting two whole days. I will simply follow the regime that I had planned on for sunday, today. As well as fasting (food) all day and starting my water fast at around 15ish. Also this might actually be better because I am sure my family will be warned tomorrow when I don't show up to some family event (I was planning on cancelling this in my earlier plan) and they might check on me. It seems a bit more decent to me to be found the day after than being found maybe days or even more after. So yeah, today will be a day of final preparations and trying to calm my nerves as much as possible.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I hope everything goes smoothly and you find peace.

 

[SVEN]

Best wishes for all going well today, Katy, may you have tranquillity and a settled heart as you see through your resolve. And may your sleep finally bring you the easement and rest you have so long desired. You've fought and endured, time now for rest. Sleep well weary traveller.

 

[LoiteringClouds]

Hello @katyhere,
I think, now your mind is crystal clear.
You know what you need - a final leap,
And a true rest will be what you reap.

When you go, I'll be filled with sorrow,
But I know peace is what will follow.
You will soon be freed -
@katyhere, Godspeed