(This is gonna be a long one, damn)
Well just had a depressive attack after smoking a joint, so thats fun. I think im just gonna try and go sober (been only smoking for a month, but its been very frequent), since like while weed is healthier than alcohol in a physical sense (and because its not a depressant), its still a psychedelic and i feel like im messing with stuff i shouldnt.
But yeah, having a depressive attack rn. I feel like a failure, i studied for 5 years and racked up 50 000$ in student debt, and i arrived in a job market where there's barely any jobs unless you are willing to move up north (which for me would pretty much make it so i'd see my parents once a year, which would probably end with me CTBing early). So im back here, in my childhood room. Well atleast im paying like 350 of the 500 dollars i get per month from the program. Im helping around as much as i can but my livestyle is pretty depressing.
I go to the job program every other day, here we basicially do assignments and listen to lectures (90% of the stuff is about finding out what kind of work i want to do, which i already know since im able to work in IT, HR and administration. That and i apply to every job i can find outside of those areas) and then go home. For me it takes about 40 minutes with bus (two buses) and 30 minutes of walking (one way), so it takes a decent chunk of time but luckily i wake up at 5 am (which is a miracle in itself).
Between those days i have job search days where i search around for jobs online, applying to whatever i can. We have this thing at the program where we are looking for testing out jobs(where the company even gets paid by the goverment to take in applicants) and me personally i have tryharded this. Both the job program + me are supposed to collab in finding these companies, so i gave them a list of 30 companies (mind you, they expected like 8 companies per month lol) that they could focus on, and then i made myself a list of 30 companies to contact, and im trying out different messages to see what sticks.
Both in these between days and job program days, once im home i help out at home with whatever needs helping (im trying to get better at taking the initiative but my parents know that), on thursdays i cook food (a new dish every single week), on tuesdays i clean the entire downstairs. I also try to workout but since im walking so much, my body haven't really been able to catch back up to my regular training routine. Oh and of course i take care of things that needs taken care of, bills, taxes, etc.
But after all of this has been done, i spend the majority of my time watching videos, playing games, hanging out with parents and the dogs. But like, alot of gaming, which i feel shame over (well to be fair i feel shame over everything in states like these, so if you are someone who games alot, dont take it to heart)
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But inbetween this, i struggle alot with my autism, depression, GAD, suicidality. They take such a toll on me (of course it does to everyone, but i shall not compare), i look way older than I am due to the stress. I know i shouldnt rely on substances or shit like that to cope, that has been the fall of alot of people. But im in the waiting queue for transferring to my new psychiatry (moved and contacted them last september and im still in queue lol), so while thats waiting, i guess im trying to self medicate (which is dumb, yes, especially with psychedelics). But what else can i do? I have to constantly try new things, because its either that or death.
Been trying and procrastinating trying meditation again, since its rough to dive back into that. Been trying to do some self journaling (writing here from time to time helps, just as im writing this im feeling a bit bette)r. Me writing here isnt really to get replies or to get people to read it (but if someone finds some joy or positive emotions from reading my ramblings, then im all the more happy for it).
I still take my meds, even more stricter now. i've been trying to lessen the dosage of antihistamines i take (since from years of using this harmless medicine, it has a tendency to create brain fog and sluggishness)
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Before i go and watch some videos, i'd like to share some positive news/info so that im not just painting this entire wall gray:
1. I managed to get a pseudo-phone interview for a company, which was very positive!
2. Im doing better-ish compared to last year (where i attempted), i've had the bottle of SN like in a shelf 10 meters away from me and i haven't even once opened it or even held it since i put it there. I know its there and it still brings a sense of fragile control (Not recommended for impulsive people to do)
3. I figured out part of why im doing a bit better, its because im closer to my family and relatives. Yes i got separated from my entire friend circle that i have formed for 7 years in that university city, but i felt like it was worth it. Thats the reason why i cant move away too far, i want to be close to my loved ones and not sit alone in a city.
4. I've been steadily going down in weight, lessened alcohol intake, sugar intake and general snack intake (jesus fuck healthy snacks are getting expensive).
5. With the combination of me paying rent to my parents (350 might not seem like alot but they own the house so) + me helping around alot, i can lessen burdens of theirs.
I told a dear friend of mine what the keyword for this year will be "trying", and thats what im trying to do. Whether its gonna be trying to get better, or trying to end my life, we will see, i hope its to get better.
