Venting My general vent thread

[WishfulNeanderthal]

Heya, I noticed some other people doing a "general vent thread" so i figured i'd do the same.

This thread I will try to fill not only with venting but also positivity.
As a first post to this, it's been almost one or two months since I CTB. I watched Neon Genesis Evangelion (like all of it, the whole TV show, all movies, including Rebuild). And it taught me a lot. It made me realize something that I have been told before: I have not truly been what I can consider "happy" in my life. I have had good moments and sometimes moments where I feel GREAT, but not truly happy.

During these reflections, I realized I have a "distance" between me and feelings like love, joy, heck, even pleasure. This distance makes it so I can't truly feel them, just a fragment of it. During my first and only relationship, I felt love, but I also couldn't experience it fully. Like I could feel it, but I couldn't "feel" it, y'know? Instead, I feel no distance towards negative emotions, I can feel sorrow, hate, guilt, shame, depression, and anxiety. All of it, completely and utterly, to the core, it's like I can touch, hem, and that's what I mean by distance.

This realization made me cry a lot, I haven't been allowed to live, not really. My teenage years were stripped away from me, depressed at 13 (officially, due to memory issues, so I don't know if it was earlier, but considering it takes time to diagnose, probably 11-12). This turned me into a spiteful person, filled with hate, surrounded by people, making a growing mind fester with even more hate.

But eventually..at 19 years of age, i managed to switch something, I dont know what it was (again memory issues due to the inflammatory effects depression has on the brain), maybe it was the fact that i was taking enough psychedelics to make a 1960's hippie drop his jaw, maybe it was the fact that I was going to uni and moving from home, maybe it was a memory i had where i stopped and looked at a flower and said "enough".

But..it didn't last too long, a couple of years, but those years I STILL had that distance, I still couldn't truly feel happy or feel love, even to my parents (I love them a lot, but y'know what I mean). And I truly don't know what exactly can ever solve this, is it a problem with my brain structure or its chemistry? Is it cognitive? I don't know, now, but it's the only thing that's stopping me from truly living. I think it's why I'm tired.

I mean... who wouldn't be? If a person could only feel positive emotions at a distance and feel negative emotions close, of course,se the focus would be pointed towards what's close.

But on a last note: I'm still willing to give it a shot, the reason why I've given myself 1-2 months is because after 2 months I will be forced to move back in with my parents, and then I can't CTB, for however long.

But before that, I am willing to take in new lessons, try new methods, just hoping. Because im scared, oh im scared as fuck for death, but at the same time im also scared of becoming a husk of myself, a man who could only strive to feel a distant memory of joy and has to wallow in his misery like it was a teddybear.

 

[strawberry_lemons]

Being nothing is terrifying even if its in life or death. You have given such a good effort and i know youve tried. Im sorry, that numbness is a hell. I wish you nothing but love and peace no matter how it turns out fir you <3

 

[WishfulNeanderthal]

Being nothing is terrifying even if its in life or death. You have given such a good effort and i know youve tried. Im sorry, that numbness is a hell. I wish you nothing but love and peace no matter how it turns out fir you <3

Thank you kindly, I will still try. And thats all we can do, try until there's no more tries left. I've had a really interesting life tbf, partied with drug dealers, went to raves and saw so many amazing things like a guy coming out of nowhere and juggling fire while on a forest rave (and scary ones). I've seen events on the internet not many others have, gotten to know alot of people. Im glad i got to experience a good relationship (We only ended it because she wanted kids and i didnt).

That and i got a bunch of anime's left to watch haha

 

[WishfulNeanderthal]

--------------------------

Im so fucking tired, so many of my friends take me for granted. My positivity, my ability to make other's smile and engage. But due to autism and lack of energy, i am repetetive. Yes i call people "dingus" and stuff like that because its both an affectionate word and a silly one, and yes i get it, people get bored of someone having the same old personality and behavior.

But my behavior isnt negative, its just boring, but im not a toy to throw away. Im not gonna reinvent myself every 5 years to become "entertaining". I ask people how they are, i greet them, i care, and do they? Maybe sometimes, but not as much. They take my positivity for granted and i fucking hate it, I try so hard even when im depressed to be positive, to not hurt others, to actually be a nice person. But people take me for granted.

And a part of me when i CTB just wants to say "Yeah, you took me for granted, you never fucking dmed me and asked me how i was doing, yet i did that. You took me for granted and im gone now, forever.", but because im a stubborn person, i wont put that in my suicide letters. They will be filled with positivity instead. People need to realize, friends arent toys

 

[Novaaa]

Hello! ~
Seems like you had a very interesting life. That's not meaning it has to be like that all the time.
In some point of our lives, we can see as "boring", it's part of grow up and have more responsibilities.
People in your life will accept you as you are. Seems you are a great friend too, I need more of them.
In the past 2 decades bonds changed. If you like to read, I recommend "liquid love - Zygmunt Bauman"; and if you have extra time and feel a little better "Man's search for meaning - Viktor Frankl".

I hope you have better days.

Paula.

 

[WishfulNeanderthal]

Hello! ~
Seems like you had a very interesting life. That's not meaning it has to be like that all the time.
In some point of our lives, we can see as "boring", it's part of grow up and have more responsibilities.
People in your life will accept you as you are. Seems you are a great friend too, I need more of them.
In the past 2 decades bonds changed. If you like to read, I recommend "liquid love - Zygmunt Bauman"; and if you have extra time and feel a little better "Man's search for meaning - Viktor Frankl".

I hope you have better days.

Paula.

Thank you Paula! I've found some friends that accept me as i am, but some just see me as convenient. I've actually read zygmunt bauman for my sociology courses :D, and i'll give Frankl a read.

Thank you for your kind words, i appreciate them alot!

 

[Haibane-renmei-reki]

Heya, I noticed some other people doing a "general vent thread" so i figured i'd do the same.

This thread I will try to fill not only with venting but also positivity.
As a first post to this, it's been almost one or two months since I CTB. I watched Neon Genesis Evangelion (like all of it, the whole TV show, all movies, including Rebuild). And it taught me a lot. It made me realize something that I have been told before: I have not truly been what I can consider "happy" in my life. I have had good moments and sometimes moments where I feel GREAT, but not truly happy.

During these reflections, I realized I have a "distance" between me and feelings like love, joy, heck, even pleasure. This distance makes it so I can't truly feel them, just a fragment of it. During my first and only relationship, I felt love, but I also couldn't experience it fully. Like I could feel it, but I couldn't "feel" it, y'know? Instead, I feel no distance towards negative emotions, I can feel sorrow, hate, guilt, shame, depression, and anxiety. All of it, completely and utterly, to the core, it's like I can touch, hem, and that's what I mean by distance.

This realization made me cry a lot, I haven't been allowed to live, not really. My teenage years were stripped away from me, depressed at 13 (officially, due to memory issues, so I don't know if it was earlier, but considering it takes time to diagnose, probably 11-12). This turned me into a spiteful person, filled with hate, surrounded by people, making a growing mind fester with even more hate.

But eventually..at 19 years of age, i managed to switch something, I dont know what it was (again memory issues due to the inflammatory effects depression has on the brain), maybe it was the fact that i was taking enough psychedelics to make a 1960's hippie drop his jaw, maybe it was the fact that I was going to uni and moving from home, maybe it was a memory i had where i stopped and looked at a flower and said "enough".

But..it didn't last too long, a couple of years, but those years I STILL had that distance, I still couldn't truly feel happy or feel love, even to my parents (I love them a lot, but y'know what I mean). And I truly don't know what exactly can ever solve this, is it a problem with my brain structure or its chemistry? Is it cognitive? I don't know, now, but it's the only thing that's stopping me from truly living. I think it's why I'm tired.

I mean... who wouldn't be? If a person could only feel positive emotions at a distance and feel negative emotions close, of course,se the focus would be pointed towards what's close.

But on a last note: I'm still willing to give it a shot, the reason why I've given myself 1-2 months is because after 2 months I will be forced to move back in with my parents, and then I can't CTB, for however long.

But before that, I am willing to take in new lessons, try new methods, just hoping. Because im scared, oh im scared as fuck for death, but at the same time im also scared of becoming a husk of myself, a man who could only strive to feel a distant memory of joy and has to wallow in his misery like it was a teddybear.

how old are you?
If you're young, you can try more, although i have no right to tell you what to do with your life

 

[WishfulNeanderthal]

how old are you?
If you're young, you can try more, although i have no right to tell you what to do with your life

Im 25, been doing alot of reinventing through my life mainly due to autism.

 

[WishfulNeanderthal]

Couple of weeks left (since im meeting my dad soon), decided to go with partial instead of SN due to the risks SN has (not the substance itself), in that i would have to risk importing it to sweden (already a risky thing, since its a dangerous chemical and hence illegal to sell to individuals), and then would have to get Meto, and then finally risking getting benzo's on the deepweb. That + the death's of SN that i have seen seems particularly unpleasant due to the long waiting time which gives SI plenty of time to kick in.

Partial has its own high risks ofc (Risk of brain damage if failed/found), luckily i am guaranteed not to be found, I have a solid anchor point in my apartment and will get solid 12mm rope. So the only technical thing here is finding the sweet spot and practising. I dont like the idea of poisoning one's body and i have tried ligature strangulation before (which resulted in the feeling of head swelling due to only jugular being compressed) and it honestly wasnt that bad, was even able to just lay there without feeling any major discomfort.

So yeah, uh, thats my update. If partial truly doesnt work for me (and i will attempt several times if neccesary) i will just risk it and order SN. I've had a pretty decent summer, made sure to book in last times with parents and loved ones and had a wonderful time.

 

[WishfulNeanderthal]

Well, got my polypropylene 12mm rope, this is wonderful and i pray that it will work. My dad and i are going on an event on wednesday, then i'll go up to meet some siblings and relatives, its nice. Timeline so far is 1-2 weeks after the aformentioned meeting.

 

[WishfulNeanderthal]

Had a "last day" (3 days) with my bio dad, stepmom, and siblings, it was honestly amazing and very positive. Im going to print out the letters on tuesday and after that its just time, i still want to finish some stuff before i go, some tv shows, some animes, some games. And i especially want to have good food before i go.

Dreams: God i wish i just lived in a cottage with a barn and a farm, having a field (i love fields) and taking care of rescue animals, cows, goats, chickens and pigs. Growing stuff and just making the animals happy...that would be my dream, but its unachievable for how i am....still, i dream about that field. That field surrounded by spruce trees.

 

[WishfulNeanderthal]

Took my last walk in the forest, sunday is when my attempts begin. Im not gonna do a goodbye thread for personal reasons. Im both excited and scared, i wish i could stop all the evil going on in the world, because there's so much. But alas, here I am.

A bit scared of a couple of things:
1. Reincarnation (for obvious reasons)
2. The partial fails (So i'll have to try a higher spot and so on)
3. By some hellish miracle i manage to stand up after 30+ minutes, leading to brain damage.

But im willing to take these chances. It was nice to walk in the forest.

 

[WishfulNeanderthal]

Well i forgot to update here but i obviously failed at partial, which was fine. The mistakes i did was probably too low of a anchor point and some struggling with positioning of the noose, it was pressuring my windpipe. But the biggest problem was SI, i was feeling the lips numbing, the fingers tingling and while i didnt see my vision fade, an increasing amount of panic washed over me, which i tried to endure until i couldnt.

So I ordered SN, ironicially, the day after that i started feeling better, had a good streak of days where i felt hopeful atleast, like i was fine with the things im not fine with during my depression attacks (My trauma, my mistakes, my guilt, fomo, etc). Proving that its something to do with not pure reason but an emotional anomaly that no matter how perfect of a life i live, will paint my life with guilt, shame, depression and suicidality.

I continue to drink, albeit less than i did before, and its always a 50/50 chance of me either being happy or depressed, i dont know why i do it, i get this feeling of feeling "bored" and wanting to drink. It doesnt help, purely because its a cointoss.

It looks like im going to get my SN, im both relieved and sad, god i wish i could live with that regular mental filter i have when im on a good streak, its not euphoric or manic, but like the trauma i have and the memories i have doesnt bother me, the fact that im lonely doesnt bother me, i feel stimulated and i feel like im in my own little world in my apartment. But when the depression attacks come, all of it changes. I feel the crushing weight of lonelyness and the isolation of my apartment, i feel the guilt of how shitty of a person i was when i was a depressed and angry teenager, i feel shame that im not doing enough, all meanwhile i feel emotional sensitivity turned up by a 100.

Emotional sensitivity is hell when it comes to depression attacks, it sounds silly but me dropping something can make me cry, thats the amount of emotional sensitivity that i feel during those attacks. None of the medicines given to me by the psychiatry has helped and i just feel tired.


In a month i will move in with my parents and i dont know if i can do that, not because they are bad parents, but because i need my own little world during good days. And i cant bear the thought of my depressive attacks having to be surpressed because i do not want them to affect my parents, because I know they will. I know they will try and help and talk, but no talking or medication can push through a depressive attack.

I know having the SN is a real risk in combination with these depressive attacks, but it also gives me a sense of freedom, that im not trapped if i want out. A guarantee.

During my good streaks im able to express the positivity i feel for others, and gosh do i feel alot of positivity. We are all a part of this tangle of yarn that interconnects our lives with eachother, being at the right place in the right moment. If i was able to not have these depressive attacks and suicidality, i would be able to express more positivity.

 

[WishfulNeanderthal]

Well i got my SN today! Never thought i'd be able to get it, ever. The package was for sure opened and they did a reweigh, but otherwise it was good. Morbidly funny is that they sent me fucking stickers to go with it lmao.


But i dont plan on using it yet, i feel so much less trapped in my life with it. Its a blessing. Im doing good though, ups and downs for now.

 

[WishfulNeanderthal]

God damnit, im having an emotionally sensitive night again. I am still at my parents, and its been lovely, but im so fucking conflicted. A part of me wants to take the SN because:
1. Me being at home will eventually lead to me getting lazier and less helping (which has happened before, if i stay at my parents for a short amount of time im fine helping them and so on)
2. My depressive attacks i will either have to supress or let them out, which will lead to a definite passive effect on my parent's mental health (especially my mothers)
3. The moving process will be stressful, my parents are helping me alot with things, they shouldnt have to do that.
4. Is it just prolonging my life? Prolonging the inevitable?
5. I haven't really had a massive depressive attack at my parents house before, only minor ones so i dont know how that will pan out, if i have to surpress it maybe it will last longer (currently a big depressive attack lasts 5-6 hours, 4 days in a row with decreasing effects until null)

But another part of me dreads dying because:
1. It will affect my parents, my friends, relatives etc massively.
2. I wont get to hug them anymore or pat the dogs.
3. I have been kind of enjoying some anime and some games lately.

A part of me is scared, that i wont be able to hug them or see them again, that there's a possibility that reincarnation exists and i just end up at another life while my parents grieve. Or that its nothingness where i'll never be able to see them again, that i squandered my time with them, with my life, experiencing it and giving it up for nothingness. That they will just be a "chapter" of a life, they are more than that.

Im not trying enough, im lazy and sure i do things like workout multiple times a week and job search, but i sit on my ass and play games or watch videos the rest of the day, stationary for 6+ hours. But i know i shouldnt talk down on myself that much, i know i have depression, anxiety, autism and depressive attacks. I know i have visual snow syndrome, i know i feel my body being weak while paradoxically im getting muscles, i know i've been relying on alcohol too much.

And I know im priviliged, I have loving parents, i have money i saved up from student loans, i have an education, i have people who care for me.

I dont know what to do...
-------------------------------------
And on an IRL update, i talked with a nurse about getting benzo's, normally i would keep away from them but if im gonna take SN, i know my SI will be enourmus.

And here i am again...worrying about having a perfect "last day" with my parents, when i went to them during midsummer before my partial attempt, i thought "oh good, i had a perfect week with them" but now i feel like ive squandered this week i had with them now...
-------------------------------------
And on an IRL update, i talked with a nurse about getting benzo's, normally i would keep away from them but if im gonna take SN, i know my SI will be enourmus.

And here i am again...worrying about having a perfect "last day" with my parents, when i went to them during midsummer before my partial attempt, i thought "oh good, i had a perfect week with them" but now i feel like ive squandered this week i had with them now...

 

[WishfulNeanderthal]

----------------
Well, another depressive attack, less intense. But thats usually how it goes, it begins intense day 1, then gradually decreases.

Im still not sure if im making excuses for myself to CTB. Like i keep thinking "well if i die, i wont have to deal with these kinda things", but then some days i feel really good. Well not as good to balance out the bad but still.

I feel like im at a crossroads, one way leads to death and the pain it will cause my parents will be huge, but i wont have to deal with life and these shitty attacks, it will be over.

On the other hand, i keep on living, yes it will passively effect my parents of when i get depressive attacks, and i'll have to constantly make sure i am not getting content with lazyness, i'll have to struggle, to possibly risk my CTB method being found out, etc.

I genuinely dont know what to do right now, i just dont.

 

[WishfulNeanderthal]

-------------
I realized there might be some who has seen my profile and asked themselves "so why hasnt he done anything yet?" (of course thats a minority of people, but still). I did make an attempt a month ago, partial, didnt succeed. After that i got SN, but im finding any excuse i can to keep myself alive.

Because i am painfully aware of how much pain this will cause my parents, my siblings, all of my loved ones. It would be the single most selfish thing to do for me. My parents, siblings and friends are all amazing, loving and yes we had rough spots but i genuinely think the only reason why i lived past 20 was because of their love. They help me out so much with everything and i do feel bad that i require so much assistance from them.

That is why i have lived this long, i've been giving myself every excuse i can, to live (ironic, considering im on a suicide forum). Because I know the pain my passing will cause, that I should roll up my sleeves and try harder. But these depressive attacks has gradually increased like this:
2018: Barely lasted less than 30 minutes, easily treatable with some crying and the day after im fine.
2020: It now lasts for 1 hour, passes over to the next day (aka the next day im fine until its night, then its 1 hour of depressive attack)
2023: Now lasts for 3 hours, passes over for the next 2 days.
2025: Lasts for 6 hours, record was that it passed over the next 4 days.

Symptoms: Extremely heightened emotional sensitivity (I will cry about everything, and feel shame, anxiety and guilt over the smallest thing), Intense suicidal thoughts, Existential Shame/Guilt, Depressive spiraling.

So far i have tried: Fluoxetin, Lamictal, every type of sedative antihistamine, and lastly an antipsychotic called truxal. I have tried therapy, CBT, and so on. I have not been given a psychologist (due to there being a long waiting time for one).
My nurse literally asked "so uh, whats your plan next?" after me telling her that the antipsychotic wasnt working.

I have been looking into rTMS which is magnets stimulating areas of the brain, that and ketamine therapy. But both of those are extremely special psychiatry in my country and will probably take years to even be approved to use.

 

[WishfulNeanderthal]

I dont get it...i had a good streak for a week or so (well, some depressive attacks in the meantime), today was just pure apathy. I felt no appetite (i did eat just because i had to), no interest, no motivation, no fascination, no intrigue, nothing.

This constant battle between myself, on good days i can feel good about doing chores, laundry, job searching and just trying to be productive. But as soon as i have a bad day, then i think: "Wow, im really worthless. I've been lazying around for 2 years, i am a lazy piece of shit who should just toughen up and get on with life". But i've tried. I've tried relationships, being an extroverted individual who partied and had alot of friends, i tried meditating and a shit ton of different medicines both normative and alternative.

But nothing goes through the depression attacks and the apathy, sure i have good days, but i would have them even if i was legit lazy. But if i had a perfect job, a perfect life, i would still get these depressive attacks saying "You are not doing enough, you are not enough".

I wish i could just do it already but im also scared, a part of me likes the good days and want to stay for the good days. But the good days dont nearly balance out the bad days. I dont know if im lazy or if im doing enough, and thats been the question that is in the center of nearly all my problems: "Am i doing enough?". Am i job searching enough, am i working out enough, am i having enough social time with friends, am i relaxing enough and taking me time, am i?

I feel pathetic, and i know during good days i dont feel pathetic. Heck the things that i feel guilt, shame or otherwise existential dread over, doesnt bother me during good days.

But alas...I have to wait, i cant let my parents drive 4 hours to get my stuff, all while they are in grief. That would be cruel, and i want to lessen the pain my death will have on them, even if just a little bit. They wont have to drive so long, i'll just get a hotel. They will have family and relatives nearby to help them during their grief.

 

[WishfulNeanderthal]

---------------
Just posting general updates here, a way to structurize my own thoughts without using google docs lol.

I've been doing okayish lately, a bit stressed and bad days ofc. Im moving in with my parents in a week and time has really flew by it feels like. Its gonna be stressful, not because of my parents, but because im changing one isolated envinroment to a populated envirnoment.

But im doing it for them, and possibly for myself. I'd be lying if i said i wasnt afraid of death, i have good days and while those dont balance out the bad days, they do feel nice.

It reminded me of this one scene in the movie "Everything Everywhere all at once" (great movie, id highly suggest watching it, the concept of a "reality warper" and the strangeness of reality is really well played here) where there's a scene where people are just in their own space, doing what they like, no judgement, just existence, one guy was patting a puppy and another was listening to music.

Buuut on the flipside (and i'll probably be annoyed about it for a couple of days, but its for the better) i wont be able to drink beer as much as i did, and i'll play fetch with my parents dogs and go on walks. Maybe it will be nice. Im still wary of course, im not gonna let my guard down to these depressive attacks.

The combination of a sedative antihistamine and of an narcolepticum called "truxal" has some effects atleast on minor depressive attacks, its not a miracle cure but still. Im still trying to find a solution to my major depressive attacks, where there is hours of intense suicidal urges due to some kind of brain malfunction.

Im glad i got my SN, im lucky and if i ever go about it, im 99% sure a swedish hospital wont have the antidote to it. Maybe i'll take a hike to the forest and just take it there, relaxing and watching the trees swing and the birds sing.

 

[WishfulNeanderthal]

Oh and i really want to have a bed that has like a sheet roof like this, seems super cozy

 

[WishfulNeanderthal]

Well its been a week at my parents, and at the start it went well, but there's so much physical labor that i just cant, im not used to physical labor. But the first time we carried a trailer full off wood, chopped it and then wheelbarrowed it down, it was fine. I was very tired but fine, but 2 days later at 9 am its the same thing and i told my mom at the first time that i might not have the energy for it.

So I told her after we got 80% done that i cant do anymore, and the instant i went "no i cant" she got passive aggressive. She said "oh then i'll do it" and i told her "but you cant, dad can do the wheelbarrow" and she was like "yeah i'll do it even though i cant, why are you tired? Why cant you? I dont wanna do this either but I have to".

If this continues i'll CTB without antiemetics or benzo's, because im not putting up with the same shit that happened in my teenage years, which i still have trauma from. It was the exact same thing, passive aggressiveness whenever i said "no" to something. The only reason we got along before was because i was just visiting for a month or so, i knew i could always go back to my own place so i always agreed to things, but now i cant.

Part of me wants to scream, yes it sounds silly "oh why didnt you just do the work in the morning, why are you whining about it?", but all of this has been a huge mental toll on me. I feel like im near a meltdown, because thats the only way they will know that "oh we pushed him a bit too far".

I need to get on with my plan, i need to get antiemetics and then illegally order benzos. I need to die, I am not going to become a dissapointment, nor will i become a burnt out wreck.
I had some memories recovered suddenly a day ago (I've lost alot of memories from my teenage years due to depression + psychological trauma). It was of my mother raising her fist at me and grinding her teeth as she said "god i wanna hit you right now", but she didnt (cuz it would be illegal).

I dont wanna do this anymore, I moved back both because I had to and because i didnt want my parents to grieve while moving my shit. I should have CTB earlier. Im starting to care less and less about the consequences my death will have, it would be a positive.
I had some memories recovered suddenly a day ago (I've lost alot of memories from my teenage years due to depression + psychological trauma). It was of my mother raising her fist at me and grinding her teeth as she said "god i wanna hit you right now", but she didnt (cuz it would be illegal).

I dont wanna do this anymore, I moved back both because I had to and because i didnt want my parents to grieve while moving my shit. I should have CTB earlier. Im starting to care less and less about the consequences my death will have, it would be a positive.

 

[WishfulNeanderthal]

Im not on here as much, since im just trying to get my mind off things. But its been a while and i've been doing okayish, drinking a bit (which im gonna try and lessen now). Basicially just been helping out at home, went to gatherings with relatives, job searching (no luck, no answers, no nothing there. 200 applications and i've only gotten one interview for a factory job (which they didnt reply to), i've got a decent resume and i got an education in behavioral sciences + labor law (so i can enter the HR branch).

But yeah, its rough. I get these moments of deep sadness and self hatred, i mean im a 26 year old who moved back in with his parents due to the job market being fucking stupid. But i will also blame myself for not trying harder, i need to be more creative in my approaches, but the energy is not always there.

Mood swings suck, but im trying. Got a weird nerve thing in my right hand where i cant feel a portion of my hand (and if i stretch my arm it pulls the nerve), but meh.

I have been more tempted to take the SN, but at the same time its not as much as it was a couple of months back, i think it was because i was on here too much. The enviroment affects the mind obviously.

Anyways, im tryin my best, i hope whoever reads this has a good day

 

[WishfulNeanderthal]

I know it might sound bad (and i sympathize with people who have chronic illness or terminal illnesses, not trying to glorify it), but god damnit i hate that i dont have cancer or some terminal illness. A friend of mine has a blood infection that is slowly killing her, and i wish i could just take that from her and put it on myself, so she wouldnt have to suffer or die.

Dying of some illness would be so much better, my parents would grieve but not as much as if i CTB. Hell i've been praying for it.

Im having a fever rn and that combined with depression attacks is actual hell, psychological and physical pain. I feel like i havent done enough with my life, like maybe i should have pushed harder, made more of an effort, even if it risked me burning out. Yes i got a degree and yes i had a thriving social life from 2019 to 2023. I've been to a myriad of social circles, punk rockers, rave people, hipsters, hippies, and so on.

I felt a bit comfortable with just having SN, but seeing experiences of people taking it raw, im trying to get my hands on meto. Benzos i can easily get illegally,

Idk, not doing good. Gonna try and push a contact with the local psychiatry even though its hard af to get an appointment. And one of the smaller hospitals my parents go to, flat out denied me a meeting with a doctor since "The psychiatry would take care of that much better" (psychiatry can take months to get to, if not lucky).

But yeah, update. I like my parents, and the thought of leaving them makes me sob, but at the same time im in pain, psychologically.

 

[WishfulNeanderthal]

Update: Im doing a bit better, ups and downs. Going on a gov job program (which im lucky to get) to hopefully get a job. Been working out, playing games, applying to jobs and generally just trying to keep my mood up.

No updates from psychiatry yet sadly, but meh. Im not as suicidal as i was months ago, so thats a plus. But im still wary since it can change.

 

[WishfulNeanderthal]

Been getting alot of episodes of anhedonia, which sucks since boredom (or rather, the inability to find ANYTHING that sparks/stimulates the mind, even by a little) makes me more suicidal than ever (which may sound childish).

Im gonna see if i'll contact the psychiatry tommorow to see if they finally got my referral.

 

[WishfulNeanderthal]

Lmao got depressed today because the whole goverment job program thing misinformed me. They said that they would get me an internship, but in reality its more like "you need to find yourself an internship within 1 month or you are kicked off the program" Which is fun.

I'll give it a try but if things doesnt change within a couple of months or so, i might just CTB through fentanyl + grapefruit + benzo method. Maybe longer depending on how much willpower i have.

Other than that, i've had a cough for like a week, my chest is hurting and i cough up alot of phlegm so thats something lmao.

 

[WishfulNeanderthal]

So kind of update on the job program thing, i applied for vacation since my parents are going up north for 2 weeks, it got denied. And i had to make the choice to either 1. go with them and risk getting kicked off the program + loosing the job program grant money which im going to use to pay my parents rent or 2. Keep going on the program and stay at home alone for 2 weeks.

I had to choose option 2 because im not gonna leech off my parents, i want to contribute to them as much as i can (besides me helping out around alot in the house, cooking food etc). Luckily my parents managed so i could spend christmas with relatives, which means i wont have to spend christmas alone which is very nice. They got me a bunch of christmas food and snacks, they are a real blessing (my parents i mean). And yeah i'll have to spend new years alone but honestly? Rn i feel fine with it, i'll have some beer, look at fireworks and call some friends.

And the job program has decided to move me on to the next part of the program (the first part was just basicially motivational stuff + pinpointing what kind of jobs im interested in, the first thing doesnt really have an effect on me, while the second thing i already know what i want to work with (and have a degree for it, unfortunately not the experience). Unfortunately they moved my schedule down so i begin at 9 am, which with travel time results in me having to wake up at 5 am, not great but i think i'll manage.

Honestly i dont get exhausted from working at stuff, and having to wake up early isnt even the worst thing, its the travel time (well travel + alot of walking) that gets me absolutely exhausted since if it was just a short walk and then a 1 hour train, i'd be fine. But its walks + taking two different busses, doesnt sound like alot but its alot of people + hygiene + having to manage different times.

------------------------------------

Buuuut yeah, im trying. I thought alot about suicide today, mostly because i keep thinking about this question about "why would i go on?". I mean logically i have a survival instinct, and the main motivating factor for why i haven't CTB yet is because 1. I imagine the pain that it will cause my parents and it makes my heart get painful. 2. As so many others, im afraid of the death process.

Which kinda gets me wondering, will these two things really be able to carry this burden of wanting to suicide for all my life? They are barely doing it now and i wonder that when i get a job, whats the point? To keep living for my parents and for the fear of death and pain? I dont know, i know the whole "you'll find things to make your life worth living throughout your life!" but like...when?

Anyways, im gonna try and head to bed now, early day tommorow. On a more positive note, while i abhor the whole "i watched some youtube videos on psychology so now i can coach people to get jobs" thing that the job program exudes. It does feel nice to get out into the city, be around people, fresh air, sunshine, and alot of walking.

 

[WishfulNeanderthal]

I wanted to make this post since i know the struggles of having to celebrate new years or christmas alone (in fact i am spending new years alone this year). This is gonna sound corny or cliche, but:

Please be kind to yourself, even though your brain might not think so, you do deserve joy and love. On new years, eat your favorite food or snack if you can, watch your favorite film or tv show, or play your favorite game. Do anything that you enjoy (which i realize is harder for some, since apathy), if not, try to rest as much as you can or find any distraction.

New years isnt a special day logically, its just a day where some people found the strange idea to celebrate, and to maybe make new goals (that most rarely follow through with).

I do apologize if i am a bit illogical (I am currently laying in bed, completely disoriented and feverish since im sick lol). But please, try to be kind on new years, dont do impulsive attempts (gambling death for the possibility of ending up in even more pain, is something i advice against). My keyword for new years is "distractions", and by that i mean any distraction is fine if it prevents an impulsive attempt. I dont want to see y'all be in more pain than you are already in.

Anyways, im going to try and rest as much as i can, i think i've been sleeping more than ever now that im sick (15 hours two days ago, 10 hours yesterday, and 13 hours today).



Much Love to you all <3

 

[WishfulNeanderthal]

Ugh, having a generally bad feeling in my chest, im still a bit sick (where im coughing, heavy breathing and chest pain) but its not that, just alot of anxiety and shame.

The job thing is going nowhere, if it continues like this then i will start saving up for a month or so to buy fentanyl and hire a hotel room. I'd prob bring my SN if the fentanyl somehow doesnt work (I genuinely couldnt imagine how it couldnt work, considering i have 0 tolerance, and i will take it with grapefruit and alcohol (and maybe benzo for the SI)) the fentanyl alone should be enough to kill me tbh lol.

But yeah, im not doing good, my mind is a bit of a wreck. I have bad habits and i can be toxic to others online. The past week i've been sick and been getting depressive attacks each day, and i felt REALLY tempted to just take my SN.

I honestly dont know what to do without worsening the mental situation. Like im stuck, i keep applying to jobs, going to the gov job program, i do chores at home (and will soon pay rent with benefits). I walk a decent amount now, haven't worked out as much due to that but still. Psychiatry hasnt contacted me or updated me regarding me in queue. Im just...stuck, I mean i want to try and work. I want to earn money, contribute to my parents and then eventually move out.

I want to have a life. But i keep feeling like my physical health (i aint dying or anything but i constantly feel weak, and my stamina doesnt approve that much even when attempting to) and my mental health is just holding a blockade infront of me. And even when i push myself forward, i still get the whole "am i doing enough? Am i lazy? Am I too self caring?" thing.

Im just tired of this, the only reason why im alive right now is because 1. Me wanting to try and live for my parents sake and 2. SI. I didnt expect to live past this year back when i was attempting partial hanging this summer.

I also wanted to move home so i could spend more time with my parents, and if the worst case scenario comes, then it would be closer (my previous apartment was hours away from their home) for them to travel, they would have relatives nearby to help them in their recovery. And they also wouldnt have to move my stuff while grieving.

But yeah, im not at the edge yet but i feel myself being pushed closer to it.

 

[WishfulNeanderthal]

I genuinely dont know how people "do life". Like my situation at the moment is that im:
1. Applying to jobs daily.
2. Going to a gov work program 3 days a week (takes about 4 hours of time, but majority of that is traveling)
3. Helping out at home (just general chores, and trying to contribute efforts)
4. Managing mental health WITHOUT the help of psychiatry (since im still on the queue for my regions psychiatry)
5. Managing physical health through training.
6. Manage the mental fact that im 26 and living at my parents. That I haven't been able to get a job for a year even though i've applied to 200 jobs.
7. Even if i do things right, i will STILL feel like im not doing enough, that im lazy, that i need to do more.
And while juggling this, i have to stave off depression and suicidality through varying methods (right now its weed, which yes, its unhealthy but atleast a bit better than alcohol).

And this is excluding future plans (after/if i get a job) of relationship, friends, etc. And not to mention that im not even able to WORK, to move forward in life. Even though i've spent countless hours on building a resume, cover letter (which i customize using chatgpt, because efficiency). I WANT to move forward, I WANT to give things a try, but its like im being stopped from doing so.

I genuinely dont see the point of all of this. Im supposed to struggle and juggle things...just to potentially maybe perhaps feel better? Or the more likely option, i'll have decent days and most likely bad days.

And fuck, even when writing this, i feel like a whining idiot. Like im supposed to feel bad because my life isnt as bad as others, that what i listed is manageable, that im supposed to do more.