WishfulNeanderthal
Wishing for better times
- Apr 18, 2025
- 102
Heya, I noticed some other people doing a "general vent thread" so i figured i'd do the same.
This thread I will try to fill not only with venting but also positivity.
As a first post to this, it's been almost one or two months since I CTB. I watched Neon Genesis Evangelion (like all of it, the whole TV show, all movies, including Rebuild). And it taught me a lot. It made me realize something that I have been told before: I have not truly been what I can consider "happy" in my life. I have had good moments and sometimes moments where I feel GREAT, but not truly happy.
During these reflections, I realized I have a "distance" between me and feelings like love, joy, heck, even pleasure. This distance makes it so I can't truly feel them, just a fragment of it. During my first and only relationship, I felt love, but I also couldn't experience it fully. Like I could feel it, but I couldn't "feel" it, y'know? Instead, I feel no distance towards negative emotions, I can feel sorrow, hate, guilt, shame, depression, and anxiety. All of it, completely and utterly, to the core, it's like I can touch, hem, and that's what I mean by distance.
This realization made me cry a lot, I haven't been allowed to live, not really. My teenage years were stripped away from me, depressed at 13 (officially, due to memory issues, so I don't know if it was earlier, but considering it takes time to diagnose, probably 11-12). This turned me into a spiteful person, filled with hate, surrounded by people, making a growing mind fester with even more hate.
But eventually..at 19 years of age, i managed to switch something, I dont know what it was (again memory issues due to the inflammatory effects depression has on the brain), maybe it was the fact that i was taking enough psychedelics to make a 1960's hippie drop his jaw, maybe it was the fact that I was going to uni and moving from home, maybe it was a memory i had where i stopped and looked at a flower and said "enough".
But..it didn't last too long, a couple of years, but those years I STILL had that distance, I still couldn't truly feel happy or feel love, even to my parents (I love them a lot, but y'know what I mean). And I truly don't know what exactly can ever solve this, is it a problem with my brain structure or its chemistry? Is it cognitive? I don't know, now, but it's the only thing that's stopping me from truly living. I think it's why I'm tired.
I mean... who wouldn't be? If a person could only feel positive emotions at a distance and feel negative emotions close, of course,se the focus would be pointed towards what's close.
But on a last note: I'm still willing to give it a shot, the reason why I've given myself 1-2 months is because after 2 months I will be forced to move back in with my parents, and then I can't CTB, for however long.
But before that, I am willing to take in new lessons, try new methods, just hoping. Because im scared, oh im scared as fuck for death, but at the same time im also scared of becoming a husk of myself, a man who could only strive to feel a distant memory of joy and has to wallow in his misery like it was a teddybear.
This thread I will try to fill not only with venting but also positivity.
As a first post to this, it's been almost one or two months since I CTB. I watched Neon Genesis Evangelion (like all of it, the whole TV show, all movies, including Rebuild). And it taught me a lot. It made me realize something that I have been told before: I have not truly been what I can consider "happy" in my life. I have had good moments and sometimes moments where I feel GREAT, but not truly happy.
During these reflections, I realized I have a "distance" between me and feelings like love, joy, heck, even pleasure. This distance makes it so I can't truly feel them, just a fragment of it. During my first and only relationship, I felt love, but I also couldn't experience it fully. Like I could feel it, but I couldn't "feel" it, y'know? Instead, I feel no distance towards negative emotions, I can feel sorrow, hate, guilt, shame, depression, and anxiety. All of it, completely and utterly, to the core, it's like I can touch, hem, and that's what I mean by distance.
This realization made me cry a lot, I haven't been allowed to live, not really. My teenage years were stripped away from me, depressed at 13 (officially, due to memory issues, so I don't know if it was earlier, but considering it takes time to diagnose, probably 11-12). This turned me into a spiteful person, filled with hate, surrounded by people, making a growing mind fester with even more hate.
But eventually..at 19 years of age, i managed to switch something, I dont know what it was (again memory issues due to the inflammatory effects depression has on the brain), maybe it was the fact that i was taking enough psychedelics to make a 1960's hippie drop his jaw, maybe it was the fact that I was going to uni and moving from home, maybe it was a memory i had where i stopped and looked at a flower and said "enough".
But..it didn't last too long, a couple of years, but those years I STILL had that distance, I still couldn't truly feel happy or feel love, even to my parents (I love them a lot, but y'know what I mean). And I truly don't know what exactly can ever solve this, is it a problem with my brain structure or its chemistry? Is it cognitive? I don't know, now, but it's the only thing that's stopping me from truly living. I think it's why I'm tired.
I mean... who wouldn't be? If a person could only feel positive emotions at a distance and feel negative emotions close, of course,se the focus would be pointed towards what's close.
But on a last note: I'm still willing to give it a shot, the reason why I've given myself 1-2 months is because after 2 months I will be forced to move back in with my parents, and then I can't CTB, for however long.
But before that, I am willing to take in new lessons, try new methods, just hoping. Because im scared, oh im scared as fuck for death, but at the same time im also scared of becoming a husk of myself, a man who could only strive to feel a distant memory of joy and has to wallow in his misery like it was a teddybear.
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