NSFW My friends think I was sexually assaulted. I don't.

[DepressedEgg]

When I was 11 I got into a relationship with my friend, I didn't want to and I'd never been attracted to anyone (still haven't, aroace here) but the guy she left for me said if I didn't make her happy he'd kick the shit out of me and he was 5 years old than me and twice my size. Eventually she tried doing sexual stuff with me and just like dating her my answer was a solid "I don't know" but she kept asking and eventually I just agreed to make her happy. Word got round, jokes at school about her 'raping' me lasted as long as I was at that school.

To this day I still act like a total whore, I flirt with people and I have these really fucked views of sex and relationships and I just wish I could get back that innocence. And I feel so guilty acting like it traumatised me cause I never said no or resisted, I enjoyed it, I don't like feel wronged by it. But everyone I tell, most of whom have been SA'd because that's the type of person I attract, they always sympathise and act like I'm in the same boat when they've got real, actual reasons to be traumatised and I'm just bitching. I've stopped telling people because I can't stand how they'd react, and I never told my parents because I promised them both I'd keep my virginity until I was at least 16 and they'd just do the same thing.

Nobody gets it, they think I'm a victim but I'm just a horrible person who made a stupid choice and then let it haunt me instead of moving on from it.

 

[SexyIncél]

Yeah, it's ridiculous. People's empathy are often triggered by labels like SA, rather than an actual look at your suffering

So I wonder: what holds you back from being the person you wanna be? Do people treat you better when you act this way? Do you feel guilty when you don't return someone's romantic/sexual interest?

 

[terminalending]

Wow this is very interesting. You don't believe you are the victim? I think it's great that we don't have to think of it as something traumatic. I think it's a bit wrong for the people around you to force that idea on you so much. Even if I can understand what they are saying. 11 and 16 seem strange, especially because of the maturity difference. I remember a friend of mine dating a 25 year old man when she was 16. I was very confused when she first told me this, but she seemed happy with it. I met him too and he wasn't that bad. They didn't even have sex, they were just dating, which lasted for a year. Ignoring the age difference, it seemed like a normal, healthy relationship. Her parents were very casual about it too! In a way, I think it might be possible that you are not the victim. It's very complicated. But the fact that it's stuck in your head means you're feeling a little bad about it, right? So, in a way, you were a victim too, weren't you? It wasn't free will for an 11 year old to persuade a 16 year old to do something, it seemed like she was persuading you a lot. It seems like a complicated case. Is it just that you don't like the title "victim" attached to you in that way? They teased you a lot about it too. I hope one day you can feel better about it, it seems hard to handle.

 

[DepressedEgg]

Yeah, it's ridiculous. People's empathy are often triggered by labels like SA, rather than an actual look at your suffering

So I wonder: what holds you back from being the person you wanna be? Do people treat you better when you act this way? Do you feel guilty when you don't return someone's romantic/sexual interest?

No I just enjoy it. I don't know what else I'd do. I'm aroace but I'm sex and romance positive, I like those things I just can't experience them the same as everyone else. And yea, if someone does express interest in me I feel guilty as hell not returning it because what, I'm neutral? If being with me makes someone happy and doesn't cost me anything, I don't see a reason not to. And making people want me makes me feel, well, wanted. Which is pretty fucken rare for me

Wow this is very interesting. You don't believe you are the victim? I think it's great that we don't have to think of it as something traumatic. I think it's a bit wrong for the people around you to force that idea on you so much. Even if I can understand what they are saying. 11 and 16 seem strange, especially because of the maturity difference. I remember a friend of mine dating a 25 year old man when she was 16. I was very confused when she first told me this, but she seemed happy with it. I met him too and he wasn't that bad. They didn't even have sex, they were just dating, which lasted for a year. Ignoring the age difference, it seemed like a normal, healthy relationship. Her parents were very casual about it too! In a way, I think it might be possible that you are not the victim. It's very complicated. But the fact that it's stuck in your head means you're feeling a little bad about it, right? So, in a way, you were a victim too, weren't you? It wasn't free will for an 11 year old to persuade a 16 year old to do something, it seemed like she was persuading you a lot. It seems like a complicated case. Is it just that you don't like the title "victim" attached to you in that way? They teased you a lot about it too. I hope one day you can feel better about it, it seems hard to handle.

Sorry, I've not clarified properly. She wasn't 16, the guy she had been dating was. She was 14 so not a big age gap. But yea I mostly just hate the idea that people who were actually SA'd are giving me pity, I feel like an impostor lying to everyone just because I tell them the truth. I wish people could just understand that my situation isn't comparable. I don't deserve people's sympathies.

 

[cami]

i just want to remind you that an eleven-year-old yielding to pressure is not consent, whether or not you said yes. and she doesn't have to be the abuser for you to be a victim.
it's your choice whether you consider yourself a victim but if you ever change your mind it wouldn't make you less valid.
sending love.

 

[loyalskateboard]

You don't have to identify as a victim, some people even prefer the term survivor. I will say that it was 100% sexual assault. An 11 year old who was pressured and threatened with physical abuse was not consenting. Saying "I don't know" does not mean "yes" and agreeing just to make someone happy after being repeatedly asked is not consenting.



This video might help. I remember seeing it as a high schooler. Actually, around that same age is when I realised what happened to me when I was younger was sexual assault. I felt very weird. I felt like I was overreacting because it could have been so much worse.

Most sexual assault is not the stereotypical stranger in an alley at night. A lot of people feel guilty for experiencing sexual pleasure. You aren't overreacting and you're not just bitching. You aren't a horrible person and you didn't make a stupid choice. It wasn't consensual sex.

 

[DepressedEgg]

As a Brit, I actually have seen the Tea & Consent video plenty. Ironically since even before I started sleeping around. And I appreciate the sentiment. I just really struggle saying what happened to me was SA because it feels like by lumping myself in with people who've genuinely suffered I'm lessening their experiences. And it's dumb, because if it happened to someone I cared about I'd be right there with you. I'm being hypocritical and I know it but saying "I was sexually assaulted" is just one of those things that feels wrong coming out of my mouth. If that makes sense

 

[loyalskateboard]

As a Brit, I actually have seen the Tea & Consent video plenty. Ironically since even before I started sleeping around. And I appreciate the sentiment. I just really struggle saying what happened to me was SA because it feels like by lumping myself in with people who've genuinely suffered I'm lessening their experiences. And it's dumb, because if it happened to someone I cared about I'd be right there with you. I'm being hypocritical and I know it but saying "I was sexually assaulted" is just one of those things that feels wrong coming out of my mouth. If that makes sense

This is very common among people who were sexually assaulted. You know it's bad, you wouldn't accept it happening to someone else, and you wouldn't do it to someone else but it's still hard to admit it happened to you. I was like you, I thought I was lumping myself in with real victims. My psychologist had to explicitly state I was sexually assaulted when I told her what happened. I thought I was overreacting by thinking about it so much.

"It wasn't actual rape" "I don't even remember what his penis looked like, what memories are there to complain about?" "I'm just being dramatic" "I'm thinking about it too much" "I'm not a real victim"

You don't have to change your mindset overnight, but please give yourself compassion. Remember that you would admit it's wrong if it happened to someone else. People who think you're a victim are just 'you' on the other side.

 

[sancsuinet]

Hi! I understand that the disconnect you feel from the idea of being a victim is something you want to hold on to to protect yourself from having to actually feel this hurt, but there is a community out there who will support you, and apparently already are trying to, with this. Its possibly less pity and more trying to connect on shared ground. You aren't just bitching, this is a valid thing to 'complain' about. Coercion is assault. You don't have to put that label to what you experienced if you arent prepared to, but be careful discrediting your own experiences, you can hurt others in the process.

 

[sadscotsman]

I'm definitely late to this but it sounds to me like what you're describing is coercion, which is still a form of SA. I understand the idea of feeling like an imposter among other victims due to their stories being "more severe", I have numerous SA experiences myself but feel that same sorta imposter syndrome when talking about it. If you genuinely don't feel traumatised by it, that's one thing, but you never explicitly said yes and she's in the wrong for that. I hope you can bring yourself to a point of setting boundaries without feeling guilt for your own safety.

 

[DepressedEgg]

I'm definitely late to this but it sounds to me like what you're describing is coercion, which is still a form of SA. I understand the idea of feeling like an imposter among other victims due to their stories being "more severe", I have numerous SA experiences myself but feel that same sorta imposter syndrome when talking about it. If you genuinely don't feel traumatised by it, that's one thing, but you never explicitly said yes and she's in the wrong for that. I hope you can bring yourself to a point of setting boundaries without feeling guilt for your own safety.

Hi, sorry for the late reply. Didn't check the forum for a while (actually felt okay for a bit). But yea I think part of me making the original post was just me being in a bad place and needing some validation about it. I kinda flip-flop between being able to acknowledge that my experience was SA and that I'm fucked up from it (although I never actually feel emotional about it during those periods) and times like now where thinking about it that way brings up a lot of feelings; for example, reading any of the responses here made me feel like crying.

 

[SexyIncél]

But yea I think part of me making the original post was just me being in a bad place and needing some validation about it.

Yeah, many criticize mainstream reactions they get when mentioning SA. For example, some want feelings of power, not victimhood. At least at a given moment. When you mentioned seducing people — "making people want me" — I suspected you were in that camp

That's why I think it's typically best to take an OP's lead, while accepting they may change their minds as we explore it — even a minute later

SA's meaning can be surprisingly messy. Can even include meta things like how society treats people who are SA'd