Story sexual assault or not? (TW)

[mittymittens]

i don't know what's going on anymore. i'm not sure if my former best friend SA'ed me or not.

my best friend at the time was very fond of me, very attached, i had already rejected her before as she wasn't my type, but i guess it didn't stop her.

she told me she didn't have any feelings for me anymore and said she respected that i had huge feelings for another person at the time.

she went over my house last summer when i was home alone. i initially invited her because i was bored and wanted some company and thought we were gonna just play games n stuff

i guess she wanted to cuddle on my couch but i thought it was more of a girl best friend thing and we both saw each other as sisters— well at least i did.

as i cuddled her i began feeling her kiss my face and i remember being confused but i stayed silent and let her continue, i didn't want to push her off because she was horribly depressed and she just got dropped off at my house (she doesn't know to drive) so if i protested she would've started crying or got upset and things would've been awkward with just the two of us.

then i remember her begging to go to my room and i remember then being more hesitant and i said no but she kept insisting, i eventually caved in, "she had a tough week" i said to myself.

we went to my room and she just kissed more of my face and my neck. i didn't know what to do but just breathe quickly and i felt betrayed by my own body as i was beginning to feel aroused but i didn't feel anything towards her.

the most she did was put her hand under my shirt which when she did i got a little scared because i didn't know what was gonna happen next.

i then pretended to sleep to get her to stop but she continued kissing me and stroking my hair, she eventually left and i remember feeling extremely disgusted and mad at myself, so i just took a shower and brushed my teeth to feel clean again.

for months i convinced myself i enjoyed it so i wouldn't be mad or scared of her but now after i cut her off for different reasons, i'm not that sure anymore.

i don't know if this sexual assault or not— i didn't speak up or push her off and my body seemed to enjoy it but my brain felt confused and disgusted.
i don't know and i'm scared to let anyone in my house alone or if i can even trust anyone anymore.

 

[FungusButler]

SA. Sorry this happened to you.

An unfortunately common aftereffect of SA is that the person that was assaulted is often confused about whether or not its "fair" for them to call it/consider it an assault because they feel they didn't "resist" enough while it was happening, or if their body reacted to sexual touch in a sexual way (I.E. male rape survivors struggling to believe they were molested because they got an erection during the assault).

But trying to get out of a situation like that without upsetting your friend does not undo the fact that it's an assault, and your body simply reacting to physical affection the way it is biologically designed to does not mean that the contact you received was somehow acceptable or justified.

Have you told anyone in your life that this happened?

 

[purity]

just for more conformation, you got sexually assaulted. im glad you cut her off regardless of the reasons. she lied to you and proceeded to overstep your boundaries when you said no. no means no. even if she's going through a depressive state, there is zero justification for what she did. im sorry you had to go through this.

 

[SoftWorries]

It was SA. I'm so sorry that happened.

 

[SexyIncél]

Yes. You can skip this, but maybe something helps you explore the confusion — and why jerks (like your former best friend) may act unsympathetic

Consent: She tried seducing you during the assault: moving from non-consent to consent. Never came near enthusiastic consent. Tried getting implied non-verbal consent. Consent can be a complex communication: flirting, enforcing boundaries, probing each other's personal space for reactions... And it can be revoked

Intensity: Other people tend to be concerned about the assault's intensity, which lies on a spectrum. I read your post verbatim to someone. She stammered out that it seeeemed like sexual assault... but felt unconfident, and sympathized with your ambiguous feelings. To understand underlying principles, we mutated facts: suppose she was a guy? What if she touched you differently? What if she used more violence? Etc

Your reason: What are the different reasons we're classifying it with a word? A label can help: communicate to peers/judges; guide us how we're culturally "supposed to" feel. Many people's empathy are triggered by labels, rather than a concern for all your sufferings

Your reaction: Suppose you're a vegan or something. And someone tricked you into eating non-vegan food. You can feel guilty that it tasted nice — but your teeth just tore into an animal's muscles! Your reaction is your own, and people who respect you will care about your underlying problems & suffering. It can change; you can discover new nuances

My personal view:

• Your ambiguous feelings are fully understandable!
• People respond differently, and your response makes tooooootal sense
• She intentionally rode the line, to make it confusing even for you, not to mention others. If you like a bit of revenge, maybe your rejections and uninterest humiliate her
• Your former best friend is probably using least charitable possible interpretation, to dismiss you and hang out with her

 

[mittymittens]

SA. Sorry this happened to you.

An unfortunately common aftereffect of SA is that the person that was assaulted is often confused about whether or not its "fair" for them to call it/consider it an assault because they feel they didn't "resist" enough while it was happening, or if their body reacted to sexual touch in a sexual way (I.E. male rape survivors struggling to believe they were molested because they got an erection during the assault).

But trying to get out of a situation like that without upsetting your friend does not undo the fact that it's an assault, and your body simply reacting to physical affection the way it is biologically designed to does not mean that the contact you received was somehow acceptable or justified.

Have you told anyone in your life that this happened?

i've told my therapist but she sort of dismissed it as it was also my fault because i didn't speak up or didn't look scared so i may have lead her on

Yes. You can skip this, but maybe something helps you explore the confusion — and why jerks (like your former best friend) may act unsympathetic

Consent: She tried seducing you during the assault: moving from non-consent to consent. Never came near enthusiastic consent. Tried getting implied non-verbal consent. Consent can be a complex communication: flirting, enforcing boundaries, probing each other's personal space for reactions... And it can be revoked

Intensity: Other people tend to be concerned about the assault's intensity, which lies on a spectrum. I read your post verbatim to someone. She stammered out that it seeeemed like sexual assault... but felt unconfident, and sympathized with your ambiguous feelings. To understand underlying principles, we mutated facts: suppose she was a guy? What if she touched you differently? What if she used more violence? Etc

Your reason: What are the different reasons we're classifying it with a word? A label can help: communicate to peers/judges; guide us how we're culturally "supposed to" feel. Many people's empathy are triggered by labels, rather than a concern for all your sufferings

Your reaction: Suppose you're a vegan or something. And someone tricked you into eating non-vegan food. You can feel guilty that it tasted nice — but your teeth just tore into an animal's muscles! Your reaction is your own, and people who respect you will care about your underlying problems & suffering. It can change; you can discover new nuances

My personal view:

• Your ambiguous feelings are fully understandable!
• People respond differently, and your response makes tooooootal sense
• She intentionally rode the line, to make it confusing even for you, not to mention others. If you like a bit of revenge, maybe your rejections and uninterest humiliate her
• Your former best friend is probably using least charitable possible interpretation, to dismiss you and hang out with her

the anology with the vegan stuff made me understand better, thank u, i guess i've been tryna dismiss it in my head because this was someone i cared about and trusted

 

[SexyIncél]

i've told my therapist but she sort of dismissed it as it was also my fault because i didn't speak up or didn't look scared so i may have lead her on

Stay classy, therapists... BTW anyone else creeped out by how these unconsciousness-hackers took "the rapist", compressed it — and called themselves the resulting word?