eggsausagerice
last chance for cake!
- Apr 21, 2025
- 1,147
i will mostly likely die feeling this way. even if i kill myself this month or next month depending on when/if my sn comes in, my friend will be living it up at his college and working towards his degree. i most likely knew him at the most miserable time in his life and supported him emotionally, but when he moved away my own life ended up falling apart because i had no one else i could rely on to support me. i have other friends, but i've never been able to be as close with them as i am with him, because i just can't be as open with them. i decided to stop talking to him 6 days ago and it's been kind of hard because i always want to go back to him to hear about what he's doing. but i can't keep talking to him if i'm just going to keep feeling anxious and bad about myself because i know he's living a better life that i realistically can't be apart of if he moved away.
people say it's good to keep friends in your life, but they don't talk about situations where you actively want your friend to leave you because they have better people they'd rather be talking to. i had to be the one to leave because i knew it wouldn't be over if i kept waiting for him to tell me he didn't want to be friends with me anymore. i don't care if he still wants to be friends with me. he doesn't need me. i'm negative, don't do anything with my life, and am self destructive and purposeless. i stopped pursuing anything because i stopped having the motivation to, and whenever i do think about trying to do something with my life i just end up fucking it up immediately. it's different with him, because he's a real adult and i don't even know how to take care of myself or make friends. he's everything i'm not. i've felt that way since i met him and that's always made me like him, but then i started to resent how much i wanted to be like him and how i always fell short.
i'm still not sure whether i should tell him if i killed myself or not. would he want to know or would he make it about himself and tell other people about it? would it not surprise him to hear about me killing myself a few weeks after dropping him? i kind of want his mom to know that i died, since he told me that she asks about me, but i don't know if that would just make her sad. he's still a nice guy despite all of the problems i've had with our friendship, like him calling the cops on me, he just wants me to live even though i see no point in it. the friendship made me really happy in the past, but seeing it deteriorate after he's become more distant from me has just made me hate myself for not leaving the friendship when things weren't as bad between us. i know he's always going to have the capacity to move on. he has his whole life ahead of him and a lot of birthdays he can celebrate with the new people in his life. i think that he's probably never needed me, but i needed him. he can always find a new me that isn't worn out and depressed, but no one will ever want me if i don't have the resources and support from my family to recover. if i'm going to kill myself i shouldn't bother people with my constant depression. i don't have any desire to stay close with people anymore. i only feel guilty when people try to be close to me when i know i'd rather they forget about me. after a certain point i know there isn't really a use in me talking to people if i just want to be replaced for someone that can be a better friend to them. i'm not a sustainable or good friend. i'm only still around because i didn't kill myself.
people say it's good to keep friends in your life, but they don't talk about situations where you actively want your friend to leave you because they have better people they'd rather be talking to. i had to be the one to leave because i knew it wouldn't be over if i kept waiting for him to tell me he didn't want to be friends with me anymore. i don't care if he still wants to be friends with me. he doesn't need me. i'm negative, don't do anything with my life, and am self destructive and purposeless. i stopped pursuing anything because i stopped having the motivation to, and whenever i do think about trying to do something with my life i just end up fucking it up immediately. it's different with him, because he's a real adult and i don't even know how to take care of myself or make friends. he's everything i'm not. i've felt that way since i met him and that's always made me like him, but then i started to resent how much i wanted to be like him and how i always fell short.
i'm still not sure whether i should tell him if i killed myself or not. would he want to know or would he make it about himself and tell other people about it? would it not surprise him to hear about me killing myself a few weeks after dropping him? i kind of want his mom to know that i died, since he told me that she asks about me, but i don't know if that would just make her sad. he's still a nice guy despite all of the problems i've had with our friendship, like him calling the cops on me, he just wants me to live even though i see no point in it. the friendship made me really happy in the past, but seeing it deteriorate after he's become more distant from me has just made me hate myself for not leaving the friendship when things weren't as bad between us. i know he's always going to have the capacity to move on. he has his whole life ahead of him and a lot of birthdays he can celebrate with the new people in his life. i think that he's probably never needed me, but i needed him. he can always find a new me that isn't worn out and depressed, but no one will ever want me if i don't have the resources and support from my family to recover. if i'm going to kill myself i shouldn't bother people with my constant depression. i don't have any desire to stay close with people anymore. i only feel guilty when people try to be close to me when i know i'd rather they forget about me. after a certain point i know there isn't really a use in me talking to people if i just want to be replaced for someone that can be a better friend to them. i'm not a sustainable or good friend. i'm only still around because i didn't kill myself.
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