9 years ago I experienced my first suicidal depression and at that point I lived alone so I was able to stay in bed all day.. I was of course in excruciating pain to the point, (this might sound hard to believe) that I didn't leave my apart for over a year literally, I hadn't been outside at all, didn't get fresh air in over a year.
Whatever I needed I would just order.
All I did was research on how to ctb but did not find one but another reason why I couldn't do it,even if I had found a method was because my beloved dog was with me and the thought of him being without me, until they found my body devastated me. He was my life, my everything, my best friend and all we had was each other. To me he was not just a dog he was my son. He'd been with me for 11 years at that point and loved me so much. He's passed away now but I feel so much guilt that I put him through that depression with me and couldn't play with him or do anything for him and I often said I don't deserve to have him, but I know that no matter what all he wanted was to be next to me and accepted me, loved me never judged me but still I feel so much guilt but the depression was stronger than me.
So I know even if I had found a method I wouldn't have gone through with it.
Eventually things turned around for me and I got better and I'd tell people that he saved my life…. Now here I am 9 years later and everything came down crashing on me.. This time I have to end my life but number one,I don't know how and number two, I live with my mom and siblings now and don't want them to find me and I don't want them to go through so much pain, I don't think my mom and older sister would survive without me and that kills me but at the same time,this might sound selfish, but my pain is so strong that I sometimes become numb to what they will go through.
I don't know guys, I don't know what to do but I can't go on… I need to somehow come up with something to end the pain.
Whatever I needed I would just order.
All I did was research on how to ctb but did not find one but another reason why I couldn't do it,even if I had found a method was because my beloved dog was with me and the thought of him being without me, until they found my body devastated me. He was my life, my everything, my best friend and all we had was each other. To me he was not just a dog he was my son. He'd been with me for 11 years at that point and loved me so much. He's passed away now but I feel so much guilt that I put him through that depression with me and couldn't play with him or do anything for him and I often said I don't deserve to have him, but I know that no matter what all he wanted was to be next to me and accepted me, loved me never judged me but still I feel so much guilt but the depression was stronger than me.
So I know even if I had found a method I wouldn't have gone through with it.
Eventually things turned around for me and I got better and I'd tell people that he saved my life…. Now here I am 9 years later and everything came down crashing on me.. This time I have to end my life but number one,I don't know how and number two, I live with my mom and siblings now and don't want them to find me and I don't want them to go through so much pain, I don't think my mom and older sister would survive without me and that kills me but at the same time,this might sound selfish, but my pain is so strong that I sometimes become numb to what they will go through.
I don't know guys, I don't know what to do but I can't go on… I need to somehow come up with something to end the pain.
